phantomkitsune
(?)Community Member
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- Posted: Wed, 08 Feb 2012 08:57:38 +0000
Some quick general notes before I get to individual scores and critiques: I may have missed some grammar and spelling errors and be grading more leniently there than I should. A major irritant for me, though, is misused ellipses. They go where you've taken something out. Not where you are trailing off or pausing. This is a thing to know, and use, and allow to thrust your writing forth to new heights of wonder.
I also find coming-out stories a bit overdone: they are a particular subgenre of bildungsroman that, really, a person only ever needs to read one of, because they all express a facet of the same experience.
Plot: 10 I had to look up Harlow. Making me look up anything is awesome.
Plot Development: 9 I didn't get much of a sense of space until the end, so the passage of time didn't register as having much context.
Grammar/Spelling: 9 There's a misused ellipses, which actually ruined an image I really like of pain as a color.
Entertainment: 9 It unfolded slowly and a bit contemplatively, which is a nicely distinctive voice, but not my favorite mode to read in.
Plot: 8 It's a vignette, so very little plot.
Plot Development: 10 But quite masterfully handled comedy of manners in the rejection.
Grammar/Spelling: 8
Entertainment: 10
Plot: 4 There was very little verisimilitude.
Plot Development: 6 A lot of the progression was stilted, but it was logical. Having two disparate characters named 'Annie' and 'Anna' was not the most clear-cut thing you could have done, particularly as you make mistakes in who you are referring to at times: most notable in the instigator of a kiss.
Grammar/Spelling: 0 Noting the spelling and grammar mistakes interrupted me frequently enough that I lost track of where I was several times. It impeded the communication of the story, and thus needs serious work.
Entertainment: 5
Plot: 6
Plot Development: 7 You switch perspectives at the end, which weakens it.
Grammar/Spelling: 6 Most if not all lost points were for comma misuse. That may be something you would like to look into further.
Entertainment: 6 Calling someone's eyes slate colored and then obsidian colored does not provide strong imagery, as they are different colors.
Plot: 10
Plot Development: 9 I really liked the foreshadowing with the boy she's utterly uninterested in, but she seems a little hostile about the spirituality of the camp, which makes her revelation of faith surprising.
Grammar/Spelling: 9 Quite good, but Games Pavilion is plural, not possessive, Heaven is capitalized especially for believers, and you employ a double negative.
Entertainment: 10
Plot: 9
Plot Development: 10 I really liked the framing of the story in emails.
Grammar/Spelling: 10
Entertainment: 7 Referring to transsexuals as a third, separate category and not of the gender they identify as made me really uncomfortable. Distractingly uncomfortable.
Plot: 9
Plot Development: 8 The author's note at the beginning doesn't really add anything, and is the kind of information that can go at the bottom, for after the reader cares. Names are not the basis of verisimilitude, so while it can have personal significance, it does not have significance to the reader - especially before they even begin the story.
Grammar/Spelling: 1 I critiqued this before when you submitted to Wing's contest, and it still has a lot of the same issues of verb tense: you try for consistently present tense, but end up past tense fairly frequently. Proper nouns, like calling a sister 'Sis,' also need to be capitalized.
Entertainment: 7
Plot: 4 Vignette, so very little.
Plot Development: 3 It's a coming out story shaded at in jewelry. I guess points for loved ones who are asses enough to subject you to their aesthetics rather than yours.
Grammar/Spelling: 6 The phrase 'light black' threw me. Light black is called grey. Further descriptors are sometimes employed, but 'light black' is not in any way a useful term.
Entertainment: 6
Plot: 3 Not much of a plot, mostly a resolution to do something and a summary of something that might have been a plot.
Plot Development: 5
Grammar/Spelling: 7
Entertainment: 5 The confession of being on anti-depressants as if it were something shameful was a bit iffy.
I also find coming-out stories a bit overdone: they are a particular subgenre of bildungsroman that, really, a person only ever needs to read one of, because they all express a facet of the same experience.
Rotsab M. Hyolf
37
Plot: 10 I had to look up Harlow. Making me look up anything is awesome.
Plot Development: 9 I didn't get much of a sense of space until the end, so the passage of time didn't register as having much context.
Grammar/Spelling: 9 There's a misused ellipses, which actually ruined an image I really like of pain as a color.
Entertainment: 9 It unfolded slowly and a bit contemplatively, which is a nicely distinctive voice, but not my favorite mode to read in.
Ysavvryl
36
Plot: 8 It's a vignette, so very little plot.
Plot Development: 10 But quite masterfully handled comedy of manners in the rejection.
Grammar/Spelling: 8
Entertainment: 10
UhhhDavidx3
15
Plot: 4 There was very little verisimilitude.
Plot Development: 6 A lot of the progression was stilted, but it was logical. Having two disparate characters named 'Annie' and 'Anna' was not the most clear-cut thing you could have done, particularly as you make mistakes in who you are referring to at times: most notable in the instigator of a kiss.
Grammar/Spelling: 0 Noting the spelling and grammar mistakes interrupted me frequently enough that I lost track of where I was several times. It impeded the communication of the story, and thus needs serious work.
Entertainment: 5
mollyolly5
25
Plot: 6
Plot Development: 7 You switch perspectives at the end, which weakens it.
Grammar/Spelling: 6 Most if not all lost points were for comma misuse. That may be something you would like to look into further.
Entertainment: 6 Calling someone's eyes slate colored and then obsidian colored does not provide strong imagery, as they are different colors.
piggg
38
Plot: 10
Plot Development: 9 I really liked the foreshadowing with the boy she's utterly uninterested in, but she seems a little hostile about the spirituality of the camp, which makes her revelation of faith surprising.
Grammar/Spelling: 9 Quite good, but Games Pavilion is plural, not possessive, Heaven is capitalized especially for believers, and you employ a double negative.
Entertainment: 10
The Passing of Time
36
Plot: 9
Plot Development: 10 I really liked the framing of the story in emails.
Grammar/Spelling: 10
Entertainment: 7 Referring to transsexuals as a third, separate category and not of the gender they identify as made me really uncomfortable. Distractingly uncomfortable.
The Solarised Night
25
Plot: 9
Plot Development: 8 The author's note at the beginning doesn't really add anything, and is the kind of information that can go at the bottom, for after the reader cares. Names are not the basis of verisimilitude, so while it can have personal significance, it does not have significance to the reader - especially before they even begin the story.
Grammar/Spelling: 1 I critiqued this before when you submitted to Wing's contest, and it still has a lot of the same issues of verb tense: you try for consistently present tense, but end up past tense fairly frequently. Proper nouns, like calling a sister 'Sis,' also need to be capitalized.
Entertainment: 7
haikomori
19
Plot: 4 Vignette, so very little.
Plot Development: 3 It's a coming out story shaded at in jewelry. I guess points for loved ones who are asses enough to subject you to their aesthetics rather than yours.
Grammar/Spelling: 6 The phrase 'light black' threw me. Light black is called grey. Further descriptors are sometimes employed, but 'light black' is not in any way a useful term.
Entertainment: 6
cranberry_kiwi
20
Plot: 3 Not much of a plot, mostly a resolution to do something and a summary of something that might have been a plot.
Plot Development: 5
Grammar/Spelling: 7
Entertainment: 5 The confession of being on anti-depressants as if it were something shameful was a bit iffy.