You are brought into existence.
All of the secrets of this sphere,
every calamity, truth, and revelry
are retained within your cognition.
Gaze through the gates of Shoel,
No comma here. It breaks up the flow really oddly to have a comma as well as a line break.
upon sailing through the canal.
‘Tis a keyhole view exceeding satellites;
'tis' is both dross extra syllables and pretentious: it jars to have it here.
Your observation provokes desperation.
Ignite your candle, Illuminate
the darkness that surrounds.
Enlighten them, expose the mysteries,
before divine perspective is extinguished.
Venture into uncharted territory,
This comma again makes flow odd.
with a feverish desire to profess in
cartography, urged to contribute a relique;
The key-stone that bridges the void.
Upon blessing of expression,
did the hinges of the pithos noir break.
Jars don't generally have hinges. This imagery could be greatly clarified.
Your screams expose remnants of debris,
-Decaying of humanity, none of the bounty.
There will always be that luminous residue,
tempting your knowledge starved soul.
From those thousand, petals of white,
you may only regain two.
A life time will be dedicated
to rediscovering that, which you
No comma in this line: sends the grammar of the whole thing strange.
so eager to speak, so clumsily lost the words.
You need to have an adpositional word in here somewhere for this part to make sense.
No pilgrimage will ever compensate this loss.
Existence is an ignorant, intellectual
Ramadan with the promise of salvation
at the pilgrims’ last mile – or at the very least,
a consolation prize of divine empathy.
Death will not be so kind; He laughs
at the pleas of a dampened, robbed core.
He knows that there is no comfort,
that all is primitive compared to infancy.
Regardless, three seasons were ruthlessly spent,
determined to egress from mother’s core;
You've used core twice: it loses impact the second time, and the last stanza needs to be memorable. Consider more concrete word choice.
Yet until your winter’s last frost, you struggle
to return to the destination from whence you came.
Destination is also an odd word choice, which might be deliberate but doesn't seem so in light of looser word choice elsewhere. One doesn't generally come from a destination.
The structure seems artificial, as if the lines were broken only for appearance, as there's no rhyme scheme, form, or metrical rhythm that I can detect.