This is my entry for Round 4.
Isis
If ever you feel pain
too sharp to ignore or bear,
just push it behind
your cavalier façade
and pretend you never cared.
If I were to ever have a daughter, I’d want to name her Isis. Despite my Catholic upbringing—
and in spite of the fact that the name is grossly unconventional—I find the honorific beautiful and refreshing. The idea, regardless of its fictitious nature, that a woman can be so powerful and dignified yet so caring and sensitive to others needs seems from an entirely other world. It’s not because I think women are by nature weak or undignified but that I myself waver horribly in any philosophy I prescribe as my own and I lack courage.
Egyptian ideology and mythology may at some times be frightening and bizarre, but at the same time, the stories told can be captivatingly magical and sweet. I would like to meet a woman like Isis, one so well-grounded and all-around perfect—a woman so wholly devoted to anything familial and everything beyond. Perhaps it’s because I love so completely something shattered to pieces, and I lack the perfection to save and repair it.
I suppose that’s why it’s easier to laugh. In the face of pain, I smile. It’s a sick, idiosyncratic thing, an uncontrollable bout of laughter for the sole purpose of displacing my agony with a distorted and disgusting humor. The humor isn’t there, so I fabricate it using the forthcoming energy from my swelling anguish. When they yell, I laugh. When they make accusations, I smirk. When they leave, when they finally abandon me, not a single tear escapes the prison of my painstakingly painted eyes. To pretend not to care is to not care at all, and it’s a lesson I’d forgotten for a long while, but it’s a blessing I’ve come to remember.
Years and years of labor fueled by ‘love,’ thrown out so unceremoniously and venomously that one might think it was rotting and festering waste. Years I spent spilling tears down my pre-nubile cheeks while I sacrificed the only thing I had learned to care about, though she still left. There was no reluctance in her stare, only a glare so heated one might think it was directed at a vile and conscienceless criminal. In response, I surrounded my heart with an obsidian strength to guard against her ruthless mallet. The black color overpowered the red, and in turn, instead of crying and falling apart, I laughed at her. I laughed at her, because she was laughable. I’d rather alienate her with my apathy than endear myself to her with my lamentations.
She heartlessly tried to rip me open, but my complacency cuts deeper than any knife.
I want to be Isis and hold this family together, but the ice in my heart will protect me far better than she ever did when she was here.