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AGWL IV - GGW IIX - Round 4

Poll Pimps = TEH SEX 0 0.0% [ 0 ]
Anything Goes 0 0.0% [ 0 ]
Due July 28 1 100.0% [ 4 ]
Wootles! 0 0.0% [ 0 ]
Woot panda! 0 0.0% [ 0 ]
Total Votes:[ 4 ]
phantomkitsune's avatar

Dangerous Enabler

The Solarised Night


You are brought into existence.
All of the secrets of this sphere,
every calamity, truth, and revelry
are retained within your cognition.

Gaze through the gates of Shoel, No comma here. It breaks up the flow really oddly to have a comma as well as a line break.
upon sailing through the canal.
‘Tis a keyhole view exceeding satellites; 'tis' is both dross extra syllables and pretentious: it jars to have it here.
Your observation provokes desperation.

Ignite your candle, Illuminate
the darkness that surrounds.
Enlighten them, expose the mysteries,
before divine perspective is extinguished.

Venture into uncharted territory, This comma again makes flow odd.
with a feverish desire to profess in
cartography, urged to contribute a relique;
The key-stone that bridges the void.

Upon blessing of expression,
did the hinges of the pithos noir break. Jars don't generally have hinges. This imagery could be greatly clarified.
Your screams expose remnants of debris,
-Decaying of humanity, none of the bounty.

There will always be that luminous residue,
tempting your knowledge starved soul.
From those thousand, petals of white,
you may only regain two.

A life time will be dedicated
to rediscovering that, which you No comma in this line: sends the grammar of the whole thing strange.
so eager to speak, so clumsily lost the words. You need to have an adpositional word in here somewhere for this part to make sense.
No pilgrimage will ever compensate this loss.

Existence is an ignorant, intellectual
Ramadan with the promise of salvation
at the pilgrims’ last mile – or at the very least,
a consolation prize of divine empathy.

Death will not be so kind; He laughs
at the pleas of a dampened, robbed core.
He knows that there is no comfort,
that all is primitive compared to infancy.

Regardless, three seasons were ruthlessly spent,
determined to egress from mother’s core; You've used core twice: it loses impact the second time, and the last stanza needs to be memorable. Consider more concrete word choice.
Yet until your winter’s last frost, you struggle
to return to the destination from whence you came. Destination is also an odd word choice, which might be deliberate but doesn't seem so in light of looser word choice elsewhere. One doesn't generally come from a destination.

The structure seems artificial, as if the lines were broken only for appearance, as there's no rhyme scheme, form, or metrical rhythm that I can detect.
Slow day today, eh?
phantomkitsune's avatar

Dangerous Enabler

Yeah, very. Was so busy at work, though. Pretty sure my brain has melted.
phantomkitsune's avatar

Dangerous Enabler

Yes!

And these two girls took $4000 bikes on a five hour test ride. It was ridiculous.
The Solarised Night's avatar

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phantomkitsune
[]

Hey PK, how are you?
Edit User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.Dorry to confuse you PK. A lot of jars I am used to seeing have hinges to seal them airtight.

Pithos Noir = Pandora's Box. It's all jibberish anyway sweatdrop
Not to seem ungrateful because I am really glad that you went over that for me, but isn't free verse about not having a set meter or rhyming scheme? Please correct me if I am wrong because I really thought that that was the way to do it which is why it doesn't flow the same way as I normally try to write.
I don't understand what adpositional means.
The Solarised Night's avatar

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phantomkitsune
]

To put it bluntly: My piece was s**t. S'all good a personal soliloquy/pondering/reflection is probably best to stay that - personal. The use of the word 'you' started to sound too direct anyway.
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User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show. OMG that one has an ugly dog on it xd
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Well since no one is here to talk to me I am going to talk to myself. My day consisted of this:

"Gurl! Oi you! GURL! RANGA CHICK! oi you! *reads my jersy* Freaky! Oi you! lady!"
"Is there a purpose to your terrorism?"
"Wahs ya name?"
"Irrelevant"
"Datsa stupid name"
-eye roll-
"Oi you! Why you wearin' sunnies?"
"Because I am epileptic"
"Wazzat mean?"
"It means that I am photosensitive"
"Huh Wha?"
"Fluroescent lights can trigger seizures"
"What's that?"
"Leave me alone"
"Is that when you go all spazzy"
"I answered your question now go away"
"Do you always wear dem?"
"No, piss off"
"What about when you sleep? What about in the bath? can you look at the sun?"
"I have exams next week, ones that you would have no hope of ever passing so SHUT THE ******** UP AND LET ME STUDY!!!"
Free verse may be free, but placing line breaks in wise locations is still needed to establish good flow.
Hi everybody!!

I FINALLY finished my Tikatok entry for the Summer of Imagination (I personally think it should be 'imaginative'...that's just me) Writing. It would be the shiz if I won... Too bad there are those people entering... Damn them.
Good luck with it Selbe.
Fank you, Wing. I appreciate your encouragement. My back hurts from drawing all the stupid illustrations. I also had to limit the content so it was 'appropriate' for the contest. If it had been up to me... Well, anyway, I like the finished product well enough. I wish I would've had the opportunity to give the story more depth.
Sometimes you can only work with the time you have.

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