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Ethereal Lady's avatar

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NewPerspective93
I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it mrgreen


Melody's Dirty Secret


Bravo! A wonderfully depressing piece. I enjoyed it very much. I like the characters and feel very bad for poor Melody. My only critique would be that emotionally it doesn't seem quite plausible. We never know what a character is capable of until pushed, but I felt she was portrayed very sweet and docile until all of a sudden she had the capacity for hiding a knife and conning a man into letting his guard down directly after her love died (was dying). A little tweak of some sort to that would make it a bit more believable. The rest I think stood perfectly on its own. I enjoyed her character and I think you did an excellent job. Thank you.

For a wonderful read I gift: 45K. Thank you!
Ethereal Lady's avatar

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Yutora
Word Count: 2,075.

Le Chat Noir


Brilliant! I love this piece! It's poetic and emotional and beautiful! The imagry is georgous and the emotion is real and true. I don't have enough good things to say about it. A perfect work. Thank you!

I gift 75K for your wonderful story.
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Ethereal Lady

Brilliant! I love this piece! It's poetic and emotional and beautiful! The imagry is georgous and the emotion is real and true. I don't have enough good things to say about it. A perfect work. Thank you!

I gift 75K for your wonderful story.



Oh my! I have the biggest smile on my face right now. Thank you very much! I'm pleased to no end, so very glad that you enjoyed reading~
Ethereal Lady
NewPerspective93
I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it mrgreen


Melody's Dirty Secret


Bravo! A wonderfully depressing piece. I enjoyed it very much. I like the characters and feel very bad for poor Melody. My only critique would be that emotionally it doesn't seem quite plausible. We never know what a character is capable of until pushed, but I felt she was portrayed very sweet and docile until all of a sudden she had the capacity for hiding a knife and conning a man into letting his guard down directly after her love died (was dying). A little tweak of some sort to that would make it a bit more believable. The rest I think stood perfectly on its own. I enjoyed her character and I think you did an excellent job. Thank you.

For a wonderful read I gift: 45K. Thank you!


Thank you for the advice. I look forward to you updating your next avi biggrin I think I did the whole trade thing right. I've never done one before so yea. lol sweatdrop
Sodapop2826's avatar

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Ethereal Lady
Sodapop2826
^^ here you go! This time I checked my grammer!! (:
Sweet Revenge


My, this was rather vicious and bloody. Not a bad combo. However, I'm going to give some constructive criticism. It was very difficult to read due to grammar, word choice, and formatting issues. Don't think I'm picking on you, but I would like to see you get better with each story you do. My first piece of advice is simple. Read it out loud. If it doesn't read the way you talk, it isn't going to sound right to your reader either. Next, your action is very, very choppy. You do a lot of "she said, she did." There are too many short action sentences all together, there is no flow to what is happening, and no explanation for what was happening.

Example: "She jumped on him." There is a time and place for short sentence structure in action sequences, but it needs to carry more information. You need to get your character from point A to point B first. Try something like this instead. "She saw him try to run, but with three short steps she jumped on top of him, tackling him to the floor." This moved her from the door to the person and conveyed enough information for the reader to picture exactly what she did. It's all about the mental image.

Obviously you can't put this much detail into every aspect of the story, or it would take pages to revise this one story. You will need to pick and choose what is the most important and concentrate there.

I hope that helped a little. That is my goal. Just to be helpful.

Overall it was a very sad and surprising piece. Plot was a little "convenient" involving the exact loved ones of our main characters, but it was an interesting point. I grant 7K for the read. Thank you, and I hope to see you next avi!! biggrin

Man, I'm starting to hate my grammer. I have a hard time with grammer but I do try my best.

Is there a such thing with too much detail? I'm afarid if I concentarte in deatil that I won't get anywhere in my story.
Yutora's avatar

Gracious Stalker

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Sodapop2826


Try asking someone to proof read your stuff? (:
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Yutora
Ethereal Lady

Brilliant! I love this piece! It's poetic and emotional and beautiful! The imagry is georgous and the emotion is real and true. I don't have enough good things to say about it. A perfect work. Thank you!

I gift 75K for your wonderful story.



Oh my! I have the biggest smile on my face right now. Thank you very much! I'm pleased to no end, so very glad that you enjoyed reading~

Enjoyed it very much! I will be rereading it again shortly biggrin
Ethereal Lady's avatar

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NewPerspective93
Ethereal Lady
NewPerspective93
I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it mrgreen


Melody's Dirty Secret


Bravo! A wonderfully depressing piece. I enjoyed it very much. I like the characters and feel very bad for poor Melody. My only critique would be that emotionally it doesn't seem quite plausible. We never know what a character is capable of until pushed, but I felt she was portrayed very sweet and docile until all of a sudden she had the capacity for hiding a knife and conning a man into letting his guard down directly after her love died (was dying). A little tweak of some sort to that would make it a bit more believable. The rest I think stood perfectly on its own. I enjoyed her character and I think you did an excellent job. Thank you.

For a wonderful read I gift: 45K. Thank you!


Thank you for the advice. I look forward to you updating your next avi biggrin I think I did the whole trade thing right. I've never done one before so yea. lol sweatdrop

Wonderful! I'm glad you didn't take any offense to what I said. smile I will look forward to your next story. Yes, the trade went through fine. I know, it's kind of a confusing system.
Ethereal Lady's avatar

Golden Treasure

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Sodapop2826
Ethereal Lady
Sodapop2826
^^ here you go! This time I checked my grammer!! (:
Sweet Revenge


My, this was rather vicious and bloody. Not a bad combo. However, I'm going to give some constructive criticism. It was very difficult to read due to grammar, word choice, and formatting issues. Don't think I'm picking on you, but I would like to see you get better with each story you do. My first piece of advice is simple. Read it out loud. If it doesn't read the way you talk, it isn't going to sound right to your reader either. Next, your action is very, very choppy. You do a lot of "she said, she did." There are too many short action sentences all together, there is no flow to what is happening, and no explanation for what was happening.

Example: "She jumped on him." There is a time and place for short sentence structure in action sequences, but it needs to carry more information. You need to get your character from point A to point B first. Try something like this instead. "She saw him try to run, but with three short steps she jumped on top of him, tackling him to the floor." This moved her from the door to the person and conveyed enough information for the reader to picture exactly what she did. It's all about the mental image.

Obviously you can't put this much detail into every aspect of the story, or it would take pages to revise this one story. You will need to pick and choose what is the most important and concentrate there.

I hope that helped a little. That is my goal. Just to be helpful.

Overall it was a very sad and surprising piece. Plot was a little "convenient" involving the exact loved ones of our main characters, but it was an interesting point. I grant 7K for the read. Thank you, and I hope to see you next avi!! biggrin

Man, I'm starting to hate my grammer. I have a hard time with grammer but I do try my best.

Is there a such thing with too much detail? I'm afarid if I concentarte in deatil that I won't get anywhere in my story.


I know it can be very difficult some times. It's most just practice though. And reading. Reading a lot of good material will help you see where your own grammar differs. Yes, there definitely is such a thing as too much detail. You have a good plot, and you know where you want that plot to go, but that makes you run through it too fast. Again, timing is mostly a practice issue. All I can say is to try to picture the scene in your mind, watching the steps the characters take. And again, of course, read and really look at the sentence structure of different types of works. It really does help to study a work that you love to read.

Don't get discouraged! smile I hope to see you next avi!
Ethereal Lady
NewPerspective93
Ethereal Lady
NewPerspective93
I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it mrgreen


Melody's Dirty Secret


Bravo! A wonderfully depressing piece. I enjoyed it very much. I like the characters and feel very bad for poor Melody. My only critique would be that emotionally it doesn't seem quite plausible. We never know what a character is capable of until pushed, but I felt she was portrayed very sweet and docile until all of a sudden she had the capacity for hiding a knife and conning a man into letting his guard down directly after her love died (was dying). A little tweak of some sort to that would make it a bit more believable. The rest I think stood perfectly on its own. I enjoyed her character and I think you did an excellent job. Thank you.

For a wonderful read I gift: 45K. Thank you!


Thank you for the advice. I look forward to you updating your next avi biggrin I think I did the whole trade thing right. I've never done one before so yea. lol sweatdrop

Wonderful! I'm glad you didn't take any offense to what I said. smile I will look forward to your next story. Yes, the trade went through fine. I know, it's kind of a confusing system.

I generally have a good attitude when it comes to constructive critisism. blaugh
Yutora's avatar

Gracious Stalker

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Ethereal Lady

Enjoyed it very much! I will be rereading it again shortly biggrin


I hope your next avatar inspires me as much as this one (:
tehqueenmer's avatar

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I'll try, but I admit I'm only 13 so my writing skills really aren't the best!
tehqueenmer's avatar

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The Deadly Rose

---

The woman had a mysterious aura to her, with her luscious, cascading, glorious black curls, gorgeous, petite body, and dark green eyes that could pierce even the most talented warrior. The man watched her day and night, continuously, until finally, he placed one red rose below her door. The woman walked home, her high heels clicking from a long night of work and she stopped, seeing the rose. "Simply beautiful," she said, picking it up with her long, manicured nails.

"Valentine, I couldn't stay away." He said, scooping up the woman in his strong, muscular arms. The woman smirked, kissing his cheek. "Your beauty is too mesmerizing, your intelligence is too astonishing, your wit is remarkable..." He slowed, gently setting the woman down. "You have something about you, that just makes everyone want to be you." The man whispered.

"I know, Michael, I love you." She said, pulling him into an embrace. The man suddenly fell to the ground, not breathing. "But you goddamn should've picked a flower that you weren't allergic to." Valentine sighed, kissing his cheek and pulling him inside her apartment building.

<3
SantaniasGirl's avatar

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Sorry I haven't entered yet. I've been really busy. ^^" Really sorry. I'll try to have mine posted ASAP.
Ethereal Lady's avatar

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tehqueenmer
The Deadly Rose


eek HAHAHHAHAHAHHAA!! rofl

That was funny! All the silly build up and then he falls over from the flower. Since she knew he was allergic, they were obviously already a couple, and he was just being sappy. I love it! So cute. I do hope he gets better soon. hehee. xp

For the little funny: I gift 7K. Thanks!

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