You Read Mine, I Shall Read Yours [A Group Critique Thread]

[Blood Of a Demonic Angel]

hey can anyone critique my writing
http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/gallery/?uid=9143170

[Carrion Queen]

Read your clock tower entry. Thoughts:

The concept is very interesting and original

Try to avoid repitition in your words. People stop reading if they feel you aren't giving them any new information.

Cut down a little on the discriptions. If it doesn't contribute to the story cut it out.

All in all it was pretty good. Better than most of the stuff I've seen in the writting arena


Help with mine? Chapter 1
http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=100039549

[beckithewatermage]

Thank you. I am usually quite sparse in my description, but I tried to use it to effect in this chapter, one to get a sense of the world Al hails from, and also to spark small parts of his character. I don't know if that is rather evident though.

[slapthefatcat2]

Okay. Mine's called "The Perfect Day." It's an unfinished realistic fiction romance for straight guys.

[beckithewatermage]

Link, perhaps?

[marvin_man_get_busy5]

i'll critique. do the same for me please =]

[Kyrene1079]

here's my link. Please read it. I'll be glad to read anyone else's who reads mine. (wow, that sentance made so much more sense in my head redface )

http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=100389285

[Kyrene1079]

Electric Abacus

Read your clock tower entry. Thoughts:

The concept is very interesting and original

Try to avoid repitition in your words. People stop reading if they feel you aren't giving them any new information.

Cut down a little on the discriptions. If it doesn't contribute to the story cut it out.

All in all it was pretty good. Better than most of the stuff I've seen in the writting arena


Help with mine? Chapter 1
]http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=100039549

nice concept. I really like how there's a stark difference between the scentific reports and the main character's personal journal. Good so far, but it seems a bit short for a first chapter. Maybe the begining could be a prologue and then from there on it could just be organized by journal entry dates and such.
If you could, keep me posted as u add updates. I'm guessing something goes terribly wrong with this drug...?

[hiddlestoned]

Hi! I'm in need of some constructive critisism and some feedback? I'll read people's creations and spread the word if I like it if you'll do the same. ^o^

R a i n d r o p s on R o s e s

The Thing About C h a o s

Thank you~!

[Kyrene1079]

Dark-Heart-Vampire

Hi! I'm in need of some constructive critisism and some feedback? I'll read people's creations and spread the word if I like it if you'll do the same. ^o^

R a i n d r o p s on R o s e s

The Thing About C h a o s

Thank you~!

your poetry is quite inspiring. Some of the pharsing seems off and it's all very cryptic, but somehow that makes it better. Odd and confusing, but yet still pleasing.

bravo

[Carrion Queen]

Kyrene1079

nice concept. I really like how there's a stark difference between the scentific reports and the main character's personal journal. Good so far, but it seems a bit short for a first chapter. Maybe the begining could be a prologue and then from there on it could just be organized by journal entry dates and such.
If you could, keep me posted as u add updates. I'm guessing something goes terribly wrong with this drug...?

Thanks! Someone else suggeted I organize the entries by observation logs and journal entries so that's what I did. At one point I'm going to have to deviate from those but not untill the end. Read you story and commented.


I've got up to chapter 4, tried to keep them shorter so people didn't complain about length

chapter 2
http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=100186939

chapter 3
http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=100394559

Chapter 4
http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=100394623

And yeah, something goes wrong. Things pretty much go haywire

[murmur411]

http://www.youtube.com/user/GlobalSideChannel

[CDizzle17]

pretty good heres mine: http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=100488555

[Kyrene1079]

coreman16

pretty good heres mine: ]http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=100488555

confused I'm not quite sure what to say... I don't like the intro and the conclusion, it's much to narator for me. If you have specific information you need the reader to know, just put bits and peices of it throughout the story, don't just state it all at the begining. It was too easy to trick Satan. To make it interesting, you must come up with a better loophole. I liked how Satan was beautiful though, nice touch. Your writing style itself needs some work. I'm not quite sure what it was missing, but it just seemed a bit... lacking. confused sorry if that doesn't help. If you have any specific questions just pm me.