You Read Mine, I Shall Read Yours [A Group Critique Thread]

[beckithewatermage]

I have just submitted my first entry to the writing arena, mainly for the purpose of some good critiques to what I have so far written. As it is my first submission, I therefore do not know how 'busy' with activity it is to some extent - I suspect it is not as often viewed and commented upon as something like the avatar or art arenas.

So therefore I am going to work on the general assumption of 'you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours', or 'you read my story, I'll read yours', to put it bluntly.

Not only will this allow for publicity of our entries, but also a chance to openly critique others works as they post their links in this thread. I have no idea how this shall go, but hopefully (fingers crossed), we can create a little community of people actively commenting, and helping eachother to grow better with their writing.

Now the important bit. Here is the link to my first chapter: http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=100144773

And now the important question: will you read my work, and will I, in turn, read yours?

[Auric Halcyon]

This is a great idea. I think it will work as well as the AMV swaps on amv.org do- not so good if you want quality but otherwise FTW!

MM, well here's the first chapter of a story I'd like critiqued, so I'm happy to swap!

http://sweetdeily.livejournal.com/26973.html#cutid1

I'll do yours tonight. ^.^

[Auric Halcyon]

*dies from the epic failings of gaia and FP* >.<;;; THIS is why mediaminer.org kicks all other sites asses. argghhhh, here's the review that FP ate and gaia couldn't handle:

" he had had enough. “
He'd had <---- It sounds less like a typo.

"And if he was really unlucky... lecture on running away"
she stood/ her standing. Watch your tense. It jumps a lot all over this piece.

"They weren’t very keen gardeners...weeds ...but that was beside the point."
Little heavy on the sentences, breaking it down would be nice. Also some of these bits would be good for a whole sentence 'at the bottom of the garden' instead of 'at the bottom' as I had to re-read it in order to realize what you were referring to.

"Which he was, quintessentially."
lol! beautiful usage.

"His instinct told him to cross the road, .......... harbour railings across from him."
held the same... easier to understand.

Overall: Aside from a few grammar errors this is very easy to read and kind of intriguing, I'm curious as to where you're taking it, I see 'fantasy' on the fictionpress filing, so I'm imagining an inuyasha moment or a modern vampire thing. either way, I'm piqued. The wizard in the bottom of the tower was sort of a cliche, and I wasn't expecting something so... simple from this story, but I'd probably keep reading it just to see where it goes.
I like how you play on his lack of fore thought it works very well, and his introvertive nature is very strong and well portrayed. He seems like a character I can sympathize with, which makes the story easier to read.
Things to work on: sentence structure, grammar.
Things you dun good on: character, setting, emotion, overall feel

[beckithewatermage]

I know my tenses jump. But then I often want to put past events in the present or refer back to them, or think them up and think them of importance to what is being said so slam them in together. Thus the jumbled mess of things. But I guess it makes sense from the standpoint I want to make (or I may be making up excuses).

And I know I may ramble on about certain insignificances. But, I am trying to be economical and use them to better purpose (with any luck).

And no Inuyasha thing, nor any vampires *shudder*, and the old man - well, Wilfred isn't a wizard. Well, he does play to that stereotype. He's a bit of a prankster in my eyes.

But I am glad you like it. At the moment it is more about me putting this idea onto paper, the fine tuning comes later. And I am glad you liked little Al. I'm rather fond of him as a character, he has a mundane charm and naivety about him. ^^

I shall read your story in due course.

[beckithewatermage]

Quote:

My first thought is - we are thrown straight into the action. We are not told how she got there, how this man is her rival and about this impending 'civil war'. Also, how she knew about the tiles. I am assuming most of those points you are going to elaborate on later, but others I guess you could incorporate into the text.

'But getting the crown out had taken a level of creative thought that Lyra was often labelled as incapable.'
I think you mean 'had often labelled'.

'...the side of the small, dusty trial.'
Self explanatory.

'She moved down the little used track to her draco'
I am guessing you could put a small clause in her rather briefly just the mean time due to the fact this is obviously a fictional (and probably draconian) race. Although described for Ri'ka, if remains a little too vague I think at the first mention of the beastie.

'The day that Ri’ka met destiny started off boring and dull.... he was in no uncertain terms, bored.'
Reuse in such a short space of words - perhaps substitute one?

'Behind the pair a group of guards came racing, six astride the black warhorses that Jaiol’s military preferred.'
I think there needs to be another comma to break up the six (or 'six of them') from the rest of the sentence, save it become a little ambiguous. Upon first reading I had to remind myself there wre not six of them to one horse.

A lot of the use of Ri'ka's name from 'Ri’ka had a moment of surprise', to 'Ri’ka found himself'.

'The momentum of the blow had sent Ri’ka spinning in his seat and completely dislodged the rider.'
'And had completely dislodged'?

All of what is happening with the collision if you wished to could be string together like consequences for effect. 'This happened, and then in turned this happened. Consequently this caused...' etc.

The girl fought with a cold, passionless expression on her face. Her blue eyes a furious expression of something caught between anger and some other emotion that Ri’ka could not identify.

'The girl fought with a cold...... Ri’ka could not identify.'
These two sentences could be merged else a small clause added to the second to help coherency.

'Dumped in a cell for as long as the captain of the guards, a Sir Orayn by the name, felt it would take Ri’ka to learn his lesson.'
Yet again, a bit of a broken sentence due to the one before it. If you changed it to 'stared through the bars', it should become more easy to understand, I think.

All in all, it is good, if but vague. If carried on, I should think a little explanation of prior action and some vague anaphoric references need to be outlined a little either as a next chapter, or placed in this chapter itself. It does however, make an interesting read.

Posting it just in case livejournal did not like me - I do not use it.

[Auric Halcyon]

ahh, lol- I was sitting in bed last night when it occurred to me that I hadn't put the novel in any kind of context whatsoever. This is the third novel of an ongoing series- the dracos are explained in the first novel as dragonic reptiles the size of horses (the difference being there are dragons in the world that are in no way pack-animals,) And the thief having the run-in is explained in the third chapter. ^^; (but it's good that you pointed out that it was an irritance, means perhaps I should have explained it earlier) ^^; but it is also extremely 'typical' of her character, something explained in the second novel. Ri'ka is a new character, only appearing in this particular bit, hence why he gets the refresher on looks and appearance of Lyra and the draco (if only because dracos are rare on that particular continent and people reminded me that they sometimes forgot that Lyra was supposed to be attractive. >.<;;;; ) sorry, it was sort of late at night when I saw your post and telling you it was part of a bigger series should have been the first thing in my brain (but still, these things should stand on their own, not require me to explain- so there's something here I should address). ^^;

Lol, yes I have goddawful grammar, especially on my NANO works. ^^; thank you for slogging through it. ^.^

[beckithewatermage]

It's all right. I guess it was a bit more difficult for you because most of it was explained in the other novels. ^^

Feel free to come back if you want any more critiques.

[ADULTS]

http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=100296949

Please be as harsh as possible. In return, I'll look at anything.

[Auric Halcyon]

beckithewatermage

It's all right. I guess it was a bit more difficult for you because most of it was explained in the other novels. ^^

Feel free to come back if you want any more critiques.

mm, still a novel should be able to stand on its own most of the time, without relying on pre-established information from a previous book.

[beckithewatermage]

I'm just going through yours now Ubou, and if you want to critique something, the link to my story is on the first page, and I just added the third chapter to fictionpress:

The first paragraph seems to have much overuse of 'room', although it is hard to think what other words can be used as an alternative. The same with 'voices' in the same paragraph being used within such a short space of each other.

'An eternity of school it was. A routine it was.' Perhaps rephrase and conglomerate these two sentences? It seems a bit Yoda-ish to me.

Second paragraph, repetition of 'you know?'. If it were me I would remove one of them, because otherwise it seems a bit like a bombardment despite probably the conversational feel you want to bring up there.

'A carousel' - too fragmented to stay on its own I think, and needs a bit of elaboration to fit in. You could incorporate it to the beginning of the previous sentence as a metaphor instead, which may work better.

'I’ve had something of a sleeping disorder' - I have.

'The thing is, is that I can’t go to sleep early.' Removal of second 'is'.

'I only wished' - I wish.

'Each sensation accentuating the other' - accentuated

'Sun streamed from his windows, a beautiful alarm clock' - how did we get from the window to the alarm clock?

'Good morning, they said in near-unison' - 'good morning' should be in speech.

'He said bye to his parents' - goodbye I think may work better.

I'd break between consciousness and boy with asterisks or just something to distinguish.

'The sun’s a bit further up now, and wow, never noticed how big this school really is! I almost forgot just how sprawling the grounds were, and how tall some of the structures really were.' - seems a bit clichéd that he only just remembers for the reader.

'..so I perceived them to be one voice, okay?' - I don't think the 'okay?' is really necessary at the end here.

'as the land changed from brick to concrete and asphalt.' - Ground?

'awhile, my feet scraping against the ground the entire while.' - 'While' in such a short space seems odd. 'The entire time'?

'like it was alive, see?' - Seems a bit pestering again.

'There was just something so ethereal about the whole deal' - nice rhyming.

'It was like seeing into another world, it was' - a bit Yoda-ish again.

'I mean, the elevator had been traveling for awhile, down.' - No real need for the 'down' at the end.

'All the vivid colors in this place were ridiculous, screwing with my sense of perception they were' - Yoda-ish again, although a bit Devonian, too.

All in all, it is good, if but a bit confusing and vague. It seems a bit too conversational to the reader that it verges on the point of pestering. However, I think the idea you have behind it is good, but just needs a bit more elaboration to guide the reader through.

I shall place this in your arena entry too just in case if you do not come back here.

[FierceBeckaBaka]

GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! i would love to read your writing! heres mine... please be brutal, i always am...
http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/non-fiction/vote/?entry_id=100309097

[W00tification]

I wasnt sure anyone else did this! But now I am happy. Here is my gallery :3 I will be happy to read anyones. : D


http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/gallery/?uid=16022740

[beckithewatermage]

FierceBeckaBaka

GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! i would love to read your writing! heres mine... please be brutal, i always am...
http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/non-fiction/vote/?entry_id=100309097

It is good, a very well written piece, however, my only criticism is that it really only applies to you. Reading it, I think you have to be you the writer to truly understand and get a feel for it. Therefore, I think you need to include the reader and take the reader with you, and guide them through with yourself back then, so they have an idea of the experience.

[FierceBeckaBaka]

beckithewatermage

FierceBeckaBaka

GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! i would love to read your writing! heres mine... please be brutal, i always am...
http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/non-fiction/vote/?entry_id=100309097

It is good, a very well written piece, however, my only criticism is that it really only applies to you. Reading it, I think you have to be you the writer to truly understand and get a feel for it. Therefore, I think you need to include the reader and take the reader with you, and guide them through with yourself back then, so they have an idea of the experience.

i understand where you're coming from... and i like that. but i wrote as my professor asked me to write... its my journey, not the reader's. but this is helpful, and maybe i can try to incorporate the audience in the next draft...

[beckithewatermage]

FierceBeckaBaka

i understand where you're coming from... and i like that. but i wrote as my professor asked me to write... its my journey, not the reader's. but this is helpful, and maybe i can try to incorporate the audience in the next draft...

I would guess if I were you, that I would look if I could at other journal extracts (perhaps published), and see how they include or emotionally involve the reader without them being too intrusive in events. But it really depends upon your Professor's wishes, I guess.