What makes this peice of writing so bad?

[Pannonica]

In my opinion, this piece lacks sense and lingustic beauty, but you're definately getting there. It feels quite dense and the parallells you're making are slightly crudely described, I'd consider to develope these. Since you're going for some deep-s**t thing (I suppose), you should use a language of a more complex nature, forcing the reader to interpret the text on a more sophisticated level. Other than that, the adjectives in your text is all together too scarce.

But surely, with some work, this could be a truly good work.

[Celestial Bride]

Fictions eays for me give me a topic about what a normal girl or GUY does and i can turn that into anything at all PLEASE read my piece FIFTEEN AND A VAMPIRE ALL OF THM AND TELL ME HOW YOU THINK IT IS you can tell which ones the first and which ones not i forgot to put a chapter 4 at the end of one so the title looks like the first one so neutral PRETTY PLASE READ IT

[4Shame]

A Madness Shared by Two

Appleaide

I went to look at the post but it was deleted. If you didn't delete it yourself then I'm guessing it was just plain inappropriate. sweatdrop

Oh! I thought this thread was dead...

Here is a copy of it.


There comes a time where you become so tired. So tired that you end up passed out in the streets wearing a rented tuxedo. So tired that you end up buying that ugly tie, because it's the only one that matches the bridesmaid dresses. So tired, that you settle for her.

Then you fall asleep. I spent twenty years sleeping. Sleeping beside her. Sleeping with her. Sleeping though the fact she didn't take birth control, and falling asleep as she slept with other men. Yet, I continued to cradle our son. I guess it's because I got so tired of waiting for you. Waiting for you to throw away that cheap ring he gave you. Waiting for you to answer your door, as I stood outside in the rain, as cars splashed waves of water all over my coat. It'd even waited for you outside the chapel, as I poured myself drinks of vodka. The day I stood in front of the church, and forced myself to recite lies they call vows, I spent pretending the girl in front of me was you. I guess by then I'd fallin asleep.

This morning an alarm woke me up and I got in my car, drove until the sun kissed ground, and then threw myself at your door step. It doesn't matter that my hair has flecks of gray, and you’re too old to have kids. I'm going to wait for you, until I'm tired, or I wake up in the bed beside you.

Oh wow! I really enjoyed that. However, I'm kind of confused emotionally because the beginning is so depressing but the end is sort of heart warming though still a bit sad because you don't ever know if the person gets the girl. But, if I were to rate it using the star scale, I'd give this at least a 4.

[jiseung]

TBH, the content of your story is good. I mean the plot is something I'd like to try as well, though it might need some work on story progression and coherence. I got how the story is supposed to go, but I guess it's troublesome for the disoriented, can't relate, and those who have no sense of direction, they probably wouldn't get how point A in the story ended up in point B all of a sudden in the next sentence.

A back story is good, or some visualization of what happened could rid the confusion. Try to put yourself in the character's POV and see how you'd want your feelings to get across to "her" (of course you'd want to be clear and concise to get the message across, right?). You could also try to reread the piece from a reader's POV and see if you'd understand the piece without knowing what you already do know as the writer of the piece itself, and if it's pleasant to read. (You could read this out loud too, if it sounds awkward, then there's something wrong. If it's pretty flowy, then you're getting there!)

Hope this helped!

[anzaleen_warrior_queen]

i liked it. the last paragraph was a little confusing for me for a second but all in all its a great piece of work. i find myself writing stuff like this every now and then as well. good luck writing more pieces of emotional beauty like this one here.

[Minxi_Maudlin]

I'd say that you need a good proofread, simple errors may seem small to you, but for a new set of eyes on your story it can be kind of annoying. And you need to clarify what you're actually trying to say--flesh it out some more. There's a pretty good theme here though, so just keep working on it! biggrin

[DearPrinceTuesday]

It doesn't flow very well, and its subject matter is sort of clichéd, but for flash fiction it isn't too bad.

[A Madness Shared by Two]

I can't believe this is still going. The piece of fiction is about 9 months old now, giving away practically nothing about my writing ability. gonk