What makes this peice of writing so bad?

[A Madness Shared by Two]

I put this piece of flash fiction, (actually in hope of getting praise... guilty pleasure...teehhee)
but instead, I noticed a lot of people giving it a bad score. I really do not understand what is so bad about it, really. I thought it was one of my better pieces.

Link--> http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=102389791#title

[Appleaide]

I went to look at the post but it was deleted. If you didn't delete it yourself then I'm guessing it was just plain inappropriate. sweatdrop

[A Madness Shared by Two]

Appleaide

I went to look at the post but it was deleted. If you didn't delete it yourself then I'm guessing it was just plain inappropriate. sweatdrop

Oh! I thought this thread was dead...

Here is a copy of it.


There comes a time where you become so tired. So tired that you end up passed out in the streets wearing a rented tuxedo. So tired that you end up buying that ugly tie, because it's the only one that matches the bridesmaid dresses. So tired, that you settle for her.

Then you fall asleep. I spent twenty years sleeping. Sleeping beside her. Sleeping with her. Sleeping though the fact she didn't take birth control, and falling asleep as she slept with other men. Yet, I continued to cradle our son. I guess it's because I got so tired of waiting for you. Waiting for you to throw away that cheap ring he gave you. Waiting for you to answer your door, as I stood outside in the rain, as cars splashed waves of water all over my coat. It'd even waited for you outside the chapel, as I poured myself drinks of vodka. The day I stood in front of the church, and forced myself to recite lies they call vows, I spent pretending the girl in front of me was you. I guess by then I'd fallin asleep.

This morning an alarm woke me up and I got in my car, drove until the sun kissed ground, and then threw myself at your door step. It doesn't matter that my hair has flecks of gray, and you’re too old to have kids. I'm going to wait for you, until I'm tired, or I wake up in the bed beside you.

[Appleaide]

A Madness Shared by Two

Appleaide

I went to look at the post but it was deleted. If you didn't delete it yourself then I'm guessing it was just plain inappropriate. sweatdrop

Oh! I thought this thread was dead...

Here is a copy of it.


There comes a time where you become so tired. So tired that you end up passed out in the streets wearing a rented tuxedo. So tired that you end up buying that ugly tie, because it's the only one that matches the bridesmaid dresses. So tired, that you settle for her.

Then you fall asleep. I spent twenty years sleeping. Sleeping beside her. Sleeping with her. Sleeping though the fact she didn't take birth control, and falling asleep as she slept with other men. Yet, I continued to cradle our son. I guess it's because I got so tired of waiting for you. Waiting for you to throw away that cheap ring he gave you. Waiting for you to answer your door, as I stood outside in the rain, as cars splashed waves of water all over my coat. It'd even waited for you outside the chapel, as I poured myself drinks of vodka. The day I stood in front of the church, and forced myself to recite lies they call vows, I spent pretending the girl in front of me was you. I guess by then I'd fallin asleep.

This morning an alarm woke me up and I got in my car, drove until the sun kissed ground, and then threw myself at your door step. It doesn't matter that my hair has flecks of gray, and you’re too old to have kids. I'm going to wait for you, until I'm tired, or I wake up in the bed beside you.

Couple errors here and there but nothing to hoot about. I like it because of the last paragraph when it says "an alarm woke me up" because it shows growth of the narrator. 3nodding People who read it probably just didn't understand your writing style, methinks. I really like it.

[A Madness Shared by Two]

Appleaide

A Madness Shared by Two

Appleaide

I went to look at the post but it was deleted. If you didn't delete it yourself then I'm guessing it was just plain inappropriate. sweatdrop

Oh! I thought this thread was dead...

Here is a copy of it.


There comes a time where you become so tired. So tired that you end up passed out in the streets wearing a rented tuxedo. So tired that you end up buying that ugly tie, because it's the only one that matches the bridesmaid dresses. So tired, that you settle for her.

Then you fall asleep. I spent twenty years sleeping. Sleeping beside her. Sleeping with her. Sleeping though the fact she didn't take birth control, and falling asleep as she slept with other men. Yet, I continued to cradle our son. I guess it's because I got so tired of waiting for you. Waiting for you to throw away that cheap ring he gave you. Waiting for you to answer your door, as I stood outside in the rain, as cars splashed waves of water all over my coat. It'd even waited for you outside the chapel, as I poured myself drinks of vodka. The day I stood in front of the church, and forced myself to recite lies they call vows, I spent pretending the girl in front of me was you. I guess by then I'd fallin asleep.

This morning an alarm woke me up and I got in my car, drove until the sun kissed ground, and then threw myself at your door step. It doesn't matter that my hair has flecks of gray, and you’re too old to have kids. I'm going to wait for you, until I'm tired, or I wake up in the bed beside you.

Couple errors here and there but nothing to hoot about. I like it because of the last paragraph when it says "an alarm woke me up" because it shows growth of the narrator. 3nodding People who read it probably just didn't understand your writing style, methinks. I really like it.

Thank you <3

[Paa_Ninii]

A Madness Shared by Two

Appleaide

I went to look at the post but it was deleted. If you didn't delete it yourself then I'm guessing it was just plain inappropriate. sweatdrop

Oh! I thought this thread was dead...

Here is a copy of it.


There comes a time where you become so tired. So tired that you end up passed out in the streets wearing a rented tuxedo. So tired that you end up buying that ugly tie, because it's the only one that matches the bridesmaid dresses. So tired, that you settle for her.

Then you fall asleep. I spent twenty years sleeping. Sleeping beside her. Sleeping with her. Sleeping though the fact she didn't take birth control, and falling asleep as she slept with other men. Yet, I continued to cradle our son. I guess it's because I got so tired of waiting for you. Waiting for you to throw away that cheap ring he gave you. Waiting for you to answer your door, as I stood outside in the rain, as cars splashed waves of water all over my coat. It'd even waited for you outside the chapel, as I poured myself drinks of vodka. The day I stood in front of the church, and forced myself to recite lies they call vows, I spent pretending the girl in front of me was you. I guess by then I'd fallin asleep.

This morning an alarm woke me up and I got in my car, drove until the sun kissed ground, and then threw myself at your door step. It doesn't matter that my hair has flecks of gray, and you’re too old to have kids. I'm going to wait for you, until I'm tired, or I wake up in the bed beside you.

i like your story just the last little paragraph kinda confuses me and yu maybe shud make a little more drematic exit.it was predictable.
and bigger words that draws the reader in.
otherwise i enjoyd it.




Please read my story Deep Dark Truth(:

[ShySnowWhiteAnon]

A Madness Shared by Two

Appleaide

I went to look at the post but it was deleted. If you didn't delete it yourself then I'm guessing it was just plain inappropriate. sweatdrop

Oh! I thought this thread was dead...

Here is a copy of it.


There comes a time where you become so tired. So tired that you end up passed out in the streets wearing a rented tuxedo. So tired that you end up buying that ugly tie, because it's the only one that matches the bridesmaid dresses. So tired, that you settle for her.

Then you fall asleep. I spent twenty years sleeping. Sleeping beside her. Sleeping with her. Sleeping though the fact she didn't take birth control, and falling asleep as she slept with other men. Yet, I continued to cradle our son. I guess it's because I got so tired of waiting for you. Waiting for you to throw away that cheap ring he gave you. Waiting for you to answer your door, as I stood outside in the rain, as cars splashed waves of water all over my coat. It'd even waited for you outside the chapel, as I poured myself drinks of vodka. The day I stood in front of the church, and forced myself to recite lies they call vows, I spent pretending the girl in front of me was you. I guess by then I'd fallin asleep.

This morning an alarm woke me up and I got in my car, drove until the sun kissed ground, and then threw myself at your door step. It doesn't matter that my hair has flecks of gray, and you’re too old to have kids. I'm going to wait for you, until I'm tired, or I wake up in the bed beside you.

I understand the writing but your style isn't something I'd normally read. I like things with a bit more detail but then again I realise that isn't what flash fictions meant to have so its probably just not for me. There's nothing particularly wrong with it but it could look nicer if you spread it out by breaking up some of the paragraphs.

x

[Illustions_dance]

I like it and it almost sounds really good but a few things threw me off from complatly enjoying it.
The flow isnt right to me.I find the events to be mixed up and in sum parts confusing.

It starts off as hes tired and settles for some woman. was it before the wedding or after the wedding he passes out in the street?

In sleep he choses to be oblivouse to his wifes activitys. I dont think mentioning "cradling his son" is needed because its sudden and Im not sure the child it is his wifes or the other womans.
instead of saying "i guess its because i had gotten so tired of waiting for you" maybe you could say I had gotten so tired of waitting.." and so on and i think the word tired is overused
Its a nice piece of work 3nodding but could use some tweeking dont give up on it and let me know if any of my "Help" was of any use to you

There comes a time where you become so tired. So tired that you end up passed out in the streets wearing a rented tuxedo. So tired that you end up buying that ugly tie, because it's the only one that matches the bridesmaid dresses. So tired, that you settle for her.

Then you fall asleep. I spent twenty years sleeping. Sleeping beside her. Sleeping with her. Sleeping though the fact she didn't take birth control, and falling asleep as she slept with other men. Yet, I continued to cradle our son. I guess it's because I got so tired of waiting for you. Waiting for you to throw away that cheap ring he gave you. Waiting for you to answer your door, as I stood outside in the rain, as cars splashed waves of water all over my coat. It'd even waited for you outside the chapel, as I poured myself drinks of vodka. The day I stood in front of the church, and forced myself to recite lies they call vows, I spent pretending the girl in front of me was you. I guess by then I'd fallin asleep.This morning an alarm woke me up and I got in my car, drove until the sun kissed ground, and then threw myself at your door step. It doesn't matter that my hair has flecks of gray, and you’re too old to have kids. I'm going to wait for you, until I'm tired, or I wake up in the bed beside you.

[Ecchi A Sketch]

It's not "bad".
It's unpopular.

Your style of writing, while unique, probably is too much for most casual readers. The story itself is also very personalized, and while I enjoyed it, it's relatively hard to relate to. As long as you continue to write with that style, there will always be people who think it's "bad", simply because of the poetic license you use. Write the story in a more traditional way, and I guarantee you it will be more popular, but who cares about popularity. It's fine by me as far as literarature is concerned.

[pwassonne]

The first and second person together confuse me. It'd probably take me two or three readings to understand what this is all about. This does not mean that your writing is bad, only that it may be too complicated for all the 13-year-olds out there. Some people don't realize that the best pieces are those that can't be understood fully at first reading.

[hawtShowerz]

Yes, not many young boys and girls would immediately understand it just because of the style. I instantly caught on because I will do things like this....I do not know if you're the type, but this is the kind of thing that I would have suddenly pulled out a notepad and written up before I forgot it. What I see is a brief but excellent expression of emotion to a certain degree, but if you did want it to augment/improve it you'd follow the advice of the others in the thread. I'm indifferent, this is the kind of thing that fills my journals.

[MusicsPeace]

i agree your work is very good people just dont apprieciate the time and effort it takes to make a poem and plus they only rate it one what they wanna read so if the voters arn`t familiar with this type of writting they would mark it low but i dont think it`s bad at all i very good like other said very very unique indeed =) i enjoyed it had to make u think biggrin

[Aoto-Gonzales]

Sometimes repetition works.

Sometimes it's just annoying.

[Saxgrrrl]

This piece was thought provoking and heartbreaking and i almost didnt want to keep reading because it was so sad and then there was that little glimmer of desperate hope in that last paragraph that just made me say YUCK. sorry, i didnt like that sudden change from do nothing to finally taking action.
do you mind reading and critiquing my piece?
http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=102449828#title
just go there

[Holly_Hepburn]

My only critique is that the pronouns get a smidge confusing towards the end.