What do you think?

[Yoshelle]

This is the first chapter of a story i've started writhing. Please tell me what you think.
Here's some info for this chapter: Hisako(Sako) Rae Koren is the main character who lives with her best friend Tamayo(Mayo) Tally Uriah, Yui Fay Ivonne is another of Hisako's friends.

Chapter One: A New Peace

The gentle wind pushed the ashes across the graveyard. The gray fog began to lift off the ground casting an eerie shadow above the cobblestone headstones. Only one figure in the fog did not belong to the stones. Hisako pulled a strand of her silver-blue hair out of her mouth as the wind tickled her cherry cheeks. Sadness filled the air as she knelt down to pick up the dying flowers off of her mother’s grave. Rubbing her hands across the damp ground, she fingered the clumps of black dirt and allowed tears to form in her eyes. Her planet, Planet of Angels, had been recently attacked by the Demons of their neighboring planet. Her sorrow slowly turned into anger as she thought of how they had killed both of her parents and left her town in shambles. Many fled in time to escape the attack but few, like her parents, had not. Hisako stood back up and let her eyes wonder her surroundings. Homes still smoldered underneath the heavy haze; trees were bare and stood as sticks across the desolate land. She turned around to face the sunrise. Lavender and pink streaks spotted the navy sky and brought a little color to her newly darkened world. Her shadow began to move as another person’s light approached the gravesite. Hisako could barely make out Yui’s outline as she moved closer to her.
‘Hisako, what are you doing out here. It’s very dangerous you know. They may still be around.” Yui’s whisper broke the silence Hisako had gotten used to.
“I wanted to put flowers on the graves, but they are all dead.” Hisako’s voice was low and held a sad tone.
“I’m sorry Sako, but we must go back to Haven City till everything is cleaned. You know that.”
Yui placed her hand on Hisako’s slumped shoulders as the headed out the ruins. Her eyes fell on the burnt sign that used to welcome the visitors to her hometown of Living Water. Sighing, she continued to the refuge.

Tamayo set the small plate in front of Hisako. “You need to eat; you haven’t since you came here.”
“I can’t.” Hisako slid her chair back from the Darkwood dining room table. “Thank you, Mrs. Uriah, but I just can’t eat right now. It does look good though.” Mr. and Mrs. Uriah gave her a nod of approval to leave and continued eating.
Tamayo waited until she heard Hisako’s bedroom door close before she spoke. “How can you allow her to leave and not eat? Look at her. She looks sick. You need to make her eat.”
“We don’t need to push her, Mayo; she’s been through a lot the past few weeks. She will eat when she feels like it.” Mrs. Uriah spoke sternly.
“Dad, please don’t tell me you agree with mom.”
“I do. Sorry, Mayo.”
“Then why did we take her in if we are not gunna feed her?”
“We are feeding her. She’s just not eating. Finish up. It’s your night to do the dishes.”
Tamayo rose from her place and headed over to the kitchen. “Mom, can Yui come over tomorrow. We haven’t hung out in a while.”
“Of course.” Mrs. Uriah left her daughter in the kitchen.

Hisako silently closed her beige bedroom door and plopped down on her bed. Its red and white bedding nicely complimented the Redwood frame, while the sunlight from the now high sun glimmered off of the violet and lime green walls. She closed her eyes, and the image of her mom and dad sat on her eyelids. The shifting sunlight quickly dissipated the picture in the white glare. Her stomach growled loudly. It’s not that I can’t eat. It’s that I won’t. She told herself. Mrs. Uriah is a great cook and all, but it reminds me too much of momma. She let out a sigh and strolled to the small light brown window.
The pink and green petals of the Redwood trees slowly floated through the air. The yellow grass danced along with his invisible partner as the lavender and light pink clouds marked the sky. The faint melody of the orange and brown birds could be heard as they raced to Love Lake. After prying the window open, Hisako slipped out onto the warm grey tiled roof. The faint sent of cherries and cranberries drifted passed her nostrils. She soaked in the loveliness of the nature. Never had such beauty filled her inner being before. Holding out her hands, she caught several falling petals. They were so soft and beautiful, yet it was only a few days till they would become black dirt.
“How is it that they are so lovely right before it’s going to die?” She asked aloud.
“It’s because they know they are going to die.” Tamayo’s voice was soft and low as the climbed to Hisako. Sitting next to her friend, Mayo continued to speak. “In my opinion, they are shining their best because they know that it is their last time to shine. And, cause of that, we have the beautiful petals to look at when we are at the saddest point of the day.”Hisako kept her eyes on the green petal in her hand.
Silence fell upon them for quite some time before Hisako spoke.
“It’s just not fair though. They die for our enjoyment.” Tamayo picked up a light pink petal that had fallen on her lap.
“I know. But it is just the way it is. O yah. I brought you a snack if you want it.”
“Thanks.” Hisako grasped the sandwich from Tamayo’s hand.
“So why is it that you won’t eat my mom’s food?”
“She cooks just like my mom. But you know they are in a better place now.” She gazed up into to sky as the thought of the magnificence of the new glory her parents had received in Heaven. “Mayo?”
“Yah?”
“Do you think I should just leave what happened to rest? I mean, it is causing me a lot of worry.”
“That’s for you to decide, Sako. All I got to say is enjoy life while we still have it.”
“Your right.” Hisako closed her eyes and allowed herself to weep for the first time. Peace finally overwhelmed her whole being.

[Knselby]

Amazing! I would love it if you would send me the story at my writing email, [e-mail] and check out my google+ stream. biggrin 3nodding xd

[Yoshelle]

Thanks!!

[Kairi Nightingale]

You have good imagery. I like your style, it's nice. smile

'Wondered' should be 'wandered', though. There's a difference although they are very easy to mix up sometimes. sweatdrop I know I've done it.

The character names sounded a little weird compared to the place names, but after really looking at their full names, I guess it's fine. My only problem I guess is that Yui has a Japanese first name but European last and middle names. Hisako and Tamayo's first names sound a bit more Eastern rather than European like their last and middle names suggest as well. I find it a little weird but like I said, it's probably fine. Just my opinion.

I think the ending was a little weird too but I can't really say why....

I guess because Hisako suddenly changed. Like she was obviously depressed about her parents deaths and was thinking about the flowers dying and everything.... but then she just decided to try to put it behind her? But then it says she cried for the first time while peace began to finally overwhelm her? I don't know enough about the process of grief to really know if this was an understandable reaction or not but it just seemed odd to me.

The rest of it was pretty good. Really got me curious about the situation of the planets and what had actually happened. It's an interesting idea. Hope you continue this. smile

[Yoshelle]

thanks for your opinion and correcting me. lol. i mixed the name to make it seem like a place of unification for all people.I kinda thought bout it like that since I am a Native American with a Mexican last name even though i dont have any Mexican in me. lol. But the story is kinda weird but hey lotsa weird things happen every day. lol.

[Yoshelle]

In chapter two, there is one main character, Arisu Jay Nariel, a nineteen year old girl who was just chosen to join the Demonic Anti-Angel Program(DAAP). Two other characters Ichiro Jett McKenna and Nylee Payton Griffin are only minor here. Ichiro is the twenty year old DAAP leader; and Nylee is his only helper.Princess Agatha is not noted until the very end.Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 2: The Stone

Arisu gripped her bike’s handles even harder. Today was not her lucky day-if there is anything lucky for a demon that is. Already late for her first meeting in the DAAP (Demonic Anti-Angel Program), she sped up. The grey fog was still rising from the cooling ground, and the road moaned from the heat of the wheels. Her surroundings blended together with the thickening mist. Rows of maroon trees crackled and snapped in the wind; brown grass hung on with what little strength it had left from the scorching heat hours before. The faint sound of a distant train and the caws of ravens sent chills down her back.
“Why do we have to meet way out here?” She asked aloud. “It doesn’t matter. I’m lucky enough to get on the team.” Focusing with all her might, she continued down the dark, winding road.
An old, worn down five-story home stood tall at the end of the path. The remaining pieces of blue paint shone in the moonlight. This is the meeting place? Arisu gulped. An old Red Oak and an Ash tree stood bare in the middle of a clearing. The silence casted an uneasiness upon her. After parking her motorcycle, she continued up the cobblestone walkway to the large black front door. She knocked and waited, but no one answered. The door let out a loud screech as she let herself in.
“Hello!” She hollered. Her footsteps seemed to echo as she walked on inside. Feeling along the wall, she searched for a light switch and quickly found it, but no light came on.
“The lights do not work.” A deep voice came from the darkness. “You must be Arisu.”
“Yes.” The man she recognized from her interview shone in the light of a small candle. “You are Mr. Ichiro McKenna. Correct?”
“Yes, I am. Now please follow me. Do not get lost or we may never find you in this dark place.” Arisu slowly followed him down some flights of stairs until they ended up staring at a door.
“Next time please come to the back.” He opened the door and light flowed in. The room was plain. White walls were bare except for a projector slide. A large Ashwood table stood in the middle. A young woman holding a large yellow folder stared angrily into her soul.
“There you are. You’re a half-hour late.”
“Arisu, this is Nylee. She’s the only other member in the DAAP.”
“I’m sorry I’m late. I kinda got lost.” Arisu could only blush and hang her head in humiliation. “I’ll do better next time. I promise!”
“Fine. Now let’s get to business.” Ichiro sat down and opened a folder. “We have come together today for one particular reason. The whole reason we are in dispute with the Angels.” The war. Why were they at war with the Angels now? It’s been hundreds of years of peace and just two weeks ago they had started a war.
“Have any of you two heard of the Legend of the Desdemona Stone? I’m sure you have. Well, it actually is not a legend but reality.”
“So you mean there’s a stone with the legendary princess in it. I always thought it was a story to keep kids from not playing with magic.” Arisu gulped. Just the thought of the story being real scared her.
“There’s a big difference between the story and what really happened though. Anyways she was lost in the last war with the Angels. Now, with new machines, we are able to detect her special power, and can you guess where we found her?”
“I take on the Planet of Angels?” Arisu could only hope she was right.
“You were paying attention.” Nylee’s comment put a light smile on Arisu’s face. “That was not meant to be a compliment.”
“Yes. That’s where she is, but the Angels refuse that they took her.”
“So we’re attacking.” Nylee covered her mouth with ther hand in thought. “Why is she so important?”
“Cause if she awakens in the Angelic Realm, she could tear them from limb to limb. Remember, around the time she was alive the Demons hated the Angels, but not only that, she is the strongest Demon that has ever existed.”
“So, by taking her, we will save the Angels in the long run.” Arisu stated.
“Yes. Arisu, take this. It will tell you everything you need to know about your assignment.”
“Thanks.”
“Are we dismissed here?” Nylee stood, stretching her legs and arms.
“Yes.”

Arisu stared blankly at the file in her hands. What could her first mission be? She sat alone in her room. The howl of the wind was clearly heard from the slightly opened window next to her; wind ruffled her green curtains.
“I’ll read it after a long bath.” She pulled back her shoulder length red hair and turned around to head out of her room. So what is my mission? She turned back to her small metal desk. ”Fine I’ll go ahead and read it.” She opened the folder and began to read the story that lay in front of her.
“Wow! So that’s what really happened!” Arisu could hardly believe how distorted the story had gotten over the years. “So what is my mission?” She searched the papers and finally found the one she was looking for. “What! I’m gunna be a spy! OMG! What am I gunna do now? I really think I’m gunna go take my bath now.”
Arisu just stood there letting the hot water warm her cold body. What am I to do now? How am I of all people gunna be a spy? How am I suppose to act like an Angel? Guess I better get to the library after this. She sighed as she shut off the water. “So where are you Princess Agatha?”

[Kairi Nightingale]

Yoshelle

thanks for your opinion and correcting me. lol. i mixed the name to make it seem like a place of unification for all people.I kinda thought bout it like that since I am a Native American with a Mexican last name even though i dont have any Mexican in me. lol. But the story is kinda weird but hey lotsa weird things happen every day. lol.

Not a problem. And I just thought it was a little odd, that's all. lol Nothing wrong with it. I mean, hey, it could happen, just like what you said with your name. wink

(I haven't read the second chapter yet but I will later when I have more time, okay? Just from the first couple sentences it looks interesting, though. smile )

Edit: As an added note, you should put one line of space between all your paragraphs, including dialogue. Makes it much easier to read, especially since we don't have the luxury of indenting on here.

[Yoshelle]

thanks for the tip