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Kairi Nightingale
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- Posted: Sat, 10 Nov 2012 00:45:03 +0000
This needs a lot of work. But before I go off on a critique, I'd like to make sure that you know that I really am only trying to help. Discouraging you from writing is the last thing I want to do to anyone. However, this IS a forum for critiquing writing, and so I'm trusting you to handle what I have to say as an adult. Repeat: I'm not insulting you. I do not in any way want to insult or discourage you. I'm just want to help. If you don't want critique, then I highly recommend not posting your work up.
First, I've no idea what an Eid is. I think that's something you should try explaining at the beginning. (Forgive me, but I had a hard time reading it because of all the grammar errors so I only read the first paragraph.)
Your opening paragraph wasn't much of a hook. Some person sits at the table and ate breakfast. Then talks to their mom. Then mentions three other people who I don't know along with this Eid thing, which I still have no idea what it is.
Upon googling it, I came up with maybe a festival and a couple sayings in it but nothing on just the word Eid itself. I'll tell you right now, people aren't going to go out of their way to google stuff just to understand your story. Readers are lazy and they want to be entertained. The don't like spending their valuable time to research stuff about your story just to understand what's happening when they can simply read something else to be entertained instead.
Slow down and edit. You typed this on your phone; trust me when I say I know how annoying it is to format and write things on there. But if that's the case, please save it for later and then edit it when you can get to a computer. It's proper forum etiquette on here to edit your work at least once before posting it on forums. Having a bunch of spelling and grammar (spelling and grammar are different) errors also makes it harder to read and enjoy your story. As a writer, you should want to make the story as entertaining as possible and good grammar can not only improve the reading experience, but make your story better too!
Here are a few spelling and grammar things you should try working on:
- Commas. You're missing them in a lot of places, and where you do have them it's wrong. There are plenty of resources online you could look to on how to use them properly.
- Capitals. This may be attributed to using a phone, but you're missing them in some places and putting them in others. Again, check online for proper use in capitals if you're not sure.
-Sentences and periods. A lot of run-on sentences here. I mean, A LOT of them. Try to cut them shorter and read them out loud to yourself. If you find yourself rambling, cut it short.
-Homonyms. These are words that sound the same but hold different meanings. This includes their, they're, and there; where, wear, were, we're; to, too, two; and so forth. They can be tricky to get right. Try looking up words in the dictionary if you're not sure if you're using the right one or not. I can already tell at a glance that you have more than a few mixed up.
Your formatting is all wrong. Paragraph breaks should happen at a change of topic or at a change of speaker in thought or dialogue.
Example of change in topic:
I woke up and looked around. (Action about waking up.)
My room was pretty plain, but cozy. There was a bookshelf in the corner filled with comic books. Another shelf was over by a small wooden computer desk, filled with a bunch of old stuffed animals from when I was little. (Description of a room.)
Example of a change in speaker: (Using your own work with corrections.)
I asked my mom, "Mom, why are Asho and Nurto and Yasmain dressed up like they're about to go somewhere special?"
She told me, "It's Eid(?), silly." (I put a question mark by Eid cause I still don't know what it is so I'm not sure if it's correct to capitalize it.)
"Oh, s**t! Really?"
To further drive my point home, this is what your first paragraph should really look like:
This was made with spelling and grammar corrections. Please try to compare it to the original for a little overview of things you should work on.
"Then" is a really bad word to use in writing as it's repetitive and boring. Try to get rid of all of them in here and replace it with stronger transitions as needed.
Why all the cursing? It seems unnecessary and very immature for the characters. It doesn't give me the impression that they are good, close friends if all they do is curse each other out in such a brusque manner. Sure, people may do this in real life but a story should hold more appealing aspects compared to real life, otherwise people wouldn't read them. In this case, the cursing does not develop their characters at all and detracts more than adds from the story. Save it for when it really means something, like if it shows how angry they can get or if it shows how crude they can get with their jokes. Right now it just shows how disrespectful they can be to their supposed friends.
Don't use the word 'like' to indicate speech, as it really doesn't. In dialogue, someone can say stuff like that when quoting someone, but for the actual narrative, it's kind of annoying and, again, immature.
There's a lot of telling here. You say Anima and the main character are friends but don't show how close they are. You say it's Eid without really explaining or showing any of it. You also use the word 'stuff' to describe the character getting ready which has no imagery at all. Setting and description is an important part of storytelling. I don't know what time period, or even what world this is because there's nothing in the first paragraph that indicates where the characters are. Too much description is bad, but you should really add some to create some imagery of the cast and world.
What kind of clothes were the three people mentioned in the first paragraph wearing that the main character thought they were going somewhere special? In fact, when did the main character even see them to indicate something was going on? All it says is the she woke up, went downstairs, ate breakfast, and all of the sudden she magically knows what those characters were wearing today without mentioning her seeing them anywhere in the story. That's called a plot hole. Definitely want to fix that.
Why does the main character have to go to someone else for money? She doesn't have any of her own? Why didn't she ask her mom for some spending money? Why does she have to go bother someone else about getting money?
So far, your first paragraph leads me to believe that your character is pretty rude for cursing in front of her mother and insulting her supposed friends, and also pretty petty to go asking for money from some else instead of at least asking her mother for it first. There's no setting, and I've no idea what the plot is so far. There's something call Eid going on but I have no idea what that entails. And-
Omg, do I see a 'lol' in there? =.=
You're story needs a lot of work. It has potential, as I've never heard of Eid and I am always open to learning about something new. But right now, there's no plot, no conflict, and I don't particularly like any of the characters. I'm sorry.
I'm trying to be honest with you because I really want to see you improve. You don't have to do everything I say. Heck, you don't even have to do ANYTHING I say. As long as you think about some of the things I mentioned, I'll be happy. It's your story after all, so in the end it's up to you how you write it. But if you want others to enjoy it, always try to improve and keep an open mind. Try researching about writing; there are plenty of sources online with great tips on how to improve. Good luck!
First, I've no idea what an Eid is. I think that's something you should try explaining at the beginning. (Forgive me, but I had a hard time reading it because of all the grammar errors so I only read the first paragraph.)
Your opening paragraph wasn't much of a hook. Some person sits at the table and ate breakfast. Then talks to their mom. Then mentions three other people who I don't know along with this Eid thing, which I still have no idea what it is.
Upon googling it, I came up with maybe a festival and a couple sayings in it but nothing on just the word Eid itself. I'll tell you right now, people aren't going to go out of their way to google stuff just to understand your story. Readers are lazy and they want to be entertained. The don't like spending their valuable time to research stuff about your story just to understand what's happening when they can simply read something else to be entertained instead.
Slow down and edit. You typed this on your phone; trust me when I say I know how annoying it is to format and write things on there. But if that's the case, please save it for later and then edit it when you can get to a computer. It's proper forum etiquette on here to edit your work at least once before posting it on forums. Having a bunch of spelling and grammar (spelling and grammar are different) errors also makes it harder to read and enjoy your story. As a writer, you should want to make the story as entertaining as possible and good grammar can not only improve the reading experience, but make your story better too!
Here are a few spelling and grammar things you should try working on:
- Commas. You're missing them in a lot of places, and where you do have them it's wrong. There are plenty of resources online you could look to on how to use them properly.
- Capitals. This may be attributed to using a phone, but you're missing them in some places and putting them in others. Again, check online for proper use in capitals if you're not sure.
-Sentences and periods. A lot of run-on sentences here. I mean, A LOT of them. Try to cut them shorter and read them out loud to yourself. If you find yourself rambling, cut it short.
-Homonyms. These are words that sound the same but hold different meanings. This includes their, they're, and there; where, wear, were, we're; to, too, two; and so forth. They can be tricky to get right. Try looking up words in the dictionary if you're not sure if you're using the right one or not. I can already tell at a glance that you have more than a few mixed up.
Your formatting is all wrong. Paragraph breaks should happen at a change of topic or at a change of speaker in thought or dialogue.
Example of change in topic:
I woke up and looked around. (Action about waking up.)
My room was pretty plain, but cozy. There was a bookshelf in the corner filled with comic books. Another shelf was over by a small wooden computer desk, filled with a bunch of old stuffed animals from when I was little. (Description of a room.)
Example of a change in speaker: (Using your own work with corrections.)
I asked my mom, "Mom, why are Asho and Nurto and Yasmain dressed up like they're about to go somewhere special?"
She told me, "It's Eid(?), silly." (I put a question mark by Eid cause I still don't know what it is so I'm not sure if it's correct to capitalize it.)
"Oh, s**t! Really?"
To further drive my point home, this is what your first paragraph should really look like:
Quote:
I woke up went to the bathroom brush my teeth took a shower then i went down stairs.
I ate breakfast then I asked my mom, "Mom why are Asho, and Nurto, and Yasmain dressed up like there about go somewhere special?''
Then she told me, "It's Eid, silly."
"Ohhh, s**t! Really?!" I said to my mom, then I ran back up stairs.
I put on something really cute and did my makeup and stuff.
Then I heard my friend, Amina, yelling through my window and saying, "Ismahan! Ismahan!"
I'm like, "OMG! Amina, it's Eid!"
She's like, "Duhh, dumbass!"
Then I said, "Ohh, you knew."
She said "Yeah, you b***h!"
Then we got done with her little conversion,then i came outside, and then me and amina went to Asia's house to call her so we could go ask people for money because it was Eid.
I ate breakfast then I asked my mom, "Mom why are Asho, and Nurto, and Yasmain dressed up like there about go somewhere special?''
Then she told me, "It's Eid, silly."
"Ohhh, s**t! Really?!" I said to my mom, then I ran back up stairs.
I put on something really cute and did my makeup and stuff.
Then I heard my friend, Amina, yelling through my window and saying, "Ismahan! Ismahan!"
I'm like, "OMG! Amina, it's Eid!"
She's like, "Duhh, dumbass!"
Then I said, "Ohh, you knew."
She said "Yeah, you b***h!"
Then we got done with her little conversion,then i came outside, and then me and amina went to Asia's house to call her so we could go ask people for money because it was Eid.
This was made with spelling and grammar corrections. Please try to compare it to the original for a little overview of things you should work on.
"Then" is a really bad word to use in writing as it's repetitive and boring. Try to get rid of all of them in here and replace it with stronger transitions as needed.
Why all the cursing? It seems unnecessary and very immature for the characters. It doesn't give me the impression that they are good, close friends if all they do is curse each other out in such a brusque manner. Sure, people may do this in real life but a story should hold more appealing aspects compared to real life, otherwise people wouldn't read them. In this case, the cursing does not develop their characters at all and detracts more than adds from the story. Save it for when it really means something, like if it shows how angry they can get or if it shows how crude they can get with their jokes. Right now it just shows how disrespectful they can be to their supposed friends.
Don't use the word 'like' to indicate speech, as it really doesn't. In dialogue, someone can say stuff like that when quoting someone, but for the actual narrative, it's kind of annoying and, again, immature.
There's a lot of telling here. You say Anima and the main character are friends but don't show how close they are. You say it's Eid without really explaining or showing any of it. You also use the word 'stuff' to describe the character getting ready which has no imagery at all. Setting and description is an important part of storytelling. I don't know what time period, or even what world this is because there's nothing in the first paragraph that indicates where the characters are. Too much description is bad, but you should really add some to create some imagery of the cast and world.
What kind of clothes were the three people mentioned in the first paragraph wearing that the main character thought they were going somewhere special? In fact, when did the main character even see them to indicate something was going on? All it says is the she woke up, went downstairs, ate breakfast, and all of the sudden she magically knows what those characters were wearing today without mentioning her seeing them anywhere in the story. That's called a plot hole. Definitely want to fix that.
Why does the main character have to go to someone else for money? She doesn't have any of her own? Why didn't she ask her mom for some spending money? Why does she have to go bother someone else about getting money?
So far, your first paragraph leads me to believe that your character is pretty rude for cursing in front of her mother and insulting her supposed friends, and also pretty petty to go asking for money from some else instead of at least asking her mother for it first. There's no setting, and I've no idea what the plot is so far. There's something call Eid going on but I have no idea what that entails. And-
Omg, do I see a 'lol' in there? =.=
You're story needs a lot of work. It has potential, as I've never heard of Eid and I am always open to learning about something new. But right now, there's no plot, no conflict, and I don't particularly like any of the characters. I'm sorry.
I'm trying to be honest with you because I really want to see you improve. You don't have to do everything I say. Heck, you don't even have to do ANYTHING I say. As long as you think about some of the things I mentioned, I'll be happy. It's your story after all, so in the end it's up to you how you write it. But if you want others to enjoy it, always try to improve and keep an open mind. Try researching about writing; there are plenty of sources online with great tips on how to improve. Good luck!