Tell me what you think of this?

[Elegant Asylum]

I've only put up one page, to see if you like it. should I put up the others to help you understand the story better? Voting page

[Kairi Nightingale]

I would suggest making a short summary on your first post so that we have an idea of what kind of story it is before reading it. For example, while my interests aren't that limited I generally like fantasy and sci-fi stories so if I end up reading and critiquing something else, I may not have the best feed back and I want to be as of much help as possible.

I read it anyway, since I already decided to post something and it'd be unfair if I told you to put up a summary and then decide not to read it. : P

So far, Ambroise is made to have a traumatic past but it's unclear how long ago his parents died and how old he is now. His parents died of some sort of fever but you didn't elaborate on how bad the suffering was for them and what made it traumatic for Ambroise to watch so I'm having a little bit of a hard time sympathizing with him because of the lack of details. He's obviously still bothered by the loss if his parents but why? What are the nightmares like? They have to be bad if he wants to avoid them so badly but again, lack of details.

The horse has me curious. Why can't he stand riding other horses? What makes that horse special? Also, it seems to jump. One second he's saddling his horse and the next he's looking around the pub with no mention of him actually riding there. What happened to Roman? And I just realized I have no clue where he was before going to the stables. Was he out in the street? Inside a building? What stables was he using?

Some things, I feel need to be elaborated a little on. HOWEVER, I understand that it's only the first page. Maybe if I read more, some of my question would be answered. But so far, I don't really connect with this guy, who uses his affair with a woman (who presumably uses him in return) as a release from his bad past.

With that said, the writing itself is good. I like the style and the pacing. And I would be willing to read more if you posted more up.

[Elegant Asylum]

Kairi Nightingale

Thank you for your opinion, though I wrote this for someone who had given me the details for the story, so there are things I didn't really elaborate on; such as the parents deaths. gonk His age comes along with the story, as do the others. I'll post the story information on the first page. I've also added more pages, so feel free to read. (~o.o)~

[Kairi Nightingale]

Well, if your writing someone else's story for them then that'll just make things harder on you. Why don't they write their own story and you edit for them? I would think that would be easier and you can point out where they need to develop the story more.

I just read the second page but.... I'm sorry to say it seemed rather pointless. You really shouldn't change POV's unless it has some significance to either character or story development. As it stands, Barth is an unimportant character and unless his family plays a big role later on, him mentioning them is pointless. It doesn't show anything about Violette, either. It's just reiterating things from her POV for no reason and prevented the continuation of the story. I would just cut to the next page.

Also, another thing is bothering me. Violette was waiting for Ambroise but didn't Ambroise go to see her at the spur of the moment? How would she know he was coming?

The third part was better. It explained that he lived in town and he worked at an observatory which was unexpected. How would Leon know that he was with Violette? Again, it was spur of the moment. Unless he saw her every night and everyone somehow knows about it, which is something I think should have been mentioned earlier. Even then, how would Leon know? What's a priest doing in an observatory? Wait, did he get to the observatory yet? You need to make where the characters are talking a little more obvious. I can't tell if he arrived at the observatory, or if he just met his priest-friend in the street on the way there.

I hope I'm not going overboard with my comments here. I'm just trying to point out a few things that you may want to develop more to make the flow better. If I had no interest in the story or if I saw no potential, I wouldn't be taking the time to read it and I hope you understand that I'm only trying to help.