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Mandybun's avatar

Friendly Bunny

The Search

What started a long while ago on deviantArt, then got re-written and has now found it's way onto Gaia.
To tell the truth I was gonna write a story about a few of my favorite characters that I created but without a decent idea I ended up submitting a story I'm working on.
I think it's pretty ok, and I'm always up for improvement so go ahead: Tell me the honest truth of what you think.
Okay, this rambles a lot and gives me, the reader, information that I don't really care about. Rambling is bad, especially when coupled with the inconsistent pacing -- when not giving me pointless information, you skip over things as though they don't matter (setting up camp, eating, etc.) when you could have used that time to explore your characters and give us a reason to care about them. As it stands now, if they die, I'll either gloss right over it, or chuckle if I find their death somehow amusing.

You wrote:
The hot sun overhead, two weeks since we had last seen a town, two days since we'd last eaten. Kristen, a former prince, was complaining and I was ready to snap. Max, a very skilled thief, ran up ahead. "I found a forest, There's bound to be food and water in it." He said happily, Kristen ran after him and I followed the two.


There are some big and some minor problems with this, the first paragraph. You start with a fragment, for one. It should not read the way you have it; it should be something more like this:

Quote:
The hot sun burned overhead as we trudged through the hills. It had been two weeks since we had last seen a town, and we hadn't eaten in what had to be two days already.


Kristen is also female, therefore she is a former princess. Then you have a pacing problem. Max runs up a few feet, presumably, and suddenly "finds" a forest? Well, the others should have seen it before if he "found" it so quickly. Then there's the question of the terrain they're in right now. I guessed hills earlier because those could lead into a forest and still somehow prevent the trio from seeing the treeline. You also have the problem with leaving dialog in a paragraph with everything else. That's incorrect. Here are your third and fourth paragraphs:

You wrote:
As Max and I were walking through the forest, it was quiet. Hoping not to get lost among the identical looking trees, I was concentrating on the ground watching where our feet left prints. "Hey Jeffrey..do you think our quest is a loss?" Max asked. I wasn't really paying attention. "Umm Jeffrey?" he said my name once again. This time I looked at him. "What was the question again?" I asked. "Never mind." Max sighed.

Through the trees was a clearing with a pond, some berry bushes and an apple tree. Hastily we grabbed as much food as we could carry and hurried back to camp, and were greeted with a less then happy face. Max threw an apple at kristen who caught it. She took a bite and glared at Max. "Whoa, calm down Princess, we found food didn't we?" The thief asked jokingly. "Don't you ever..EVER call me "Princess" again!" Kristen said as she attempted to hit Max who ducked out of the way. He stuck out his tongue childishly. Once again I was the one taking the job as referee. "Quit fighting or I'll throw the food into the pond." trying to sound like I ment what I said.


Here is what that should look like, properly formatted -- comments in brackets will be extra advice or necessary edits:

Quote:
As Max and I were walking through the forest, it was quiet. Hoping not to get lost among the identical looking trees, I was concentrating on the ground watching where our feet left prints. "
Hey [comma] Jeffrey..do you think our quest is a loss?" Max asked. I wasn't really paying attention.

"Umm [comma] Jeffrey?" he said my name once again. [You don't need to tell me it was your name; that was already obvious the first time]

This time I looked at him. "What was the question again?" I asked. ["I asked is unnecessary; I already know you asked it.]

"Never mind." Max sighed.

Through the trees was a clearing with a pond, some berry bushes and an apple tree. Hastily [comma] we grabbed as much food as we could carry and hurried back to camp, and were greeted with a less then [than] happy face. [run-on -- don't use "and" so much; start a new sentence. "We were greeted by Kristen's less-than-happy face."] Max threw an apple at Kristen [comma] who caught it. She took a bite and glared at Max.

"Whoa, calm down Princess, we found food didn't we?" The thief asked jokingly.

"Don't you ever.. [improper use of ellipses -- they don't belong here, a comma does; and ellipses are also three periods, not two] EVER [please don't use caps] call me "Princess" again!" Kristen said [she clearly yelled, actually] as she attempted to hit Max [comma] who ducked out of the way.

He stuck out his tongue childishly. Once again I was the one taking the job as referee.

"Quit fighting or I'll throw the food into the pond. [comma, not period] " [I yelled at them,] trying to sound like I ment [meant] what I said.


There are other problems, such as practically no detail whatsoever, and Kristen being a very stereotypical princess character. And that's just the first five paragraphs or so.
Mandybun's avatar

Friendly Bunny

Thank you very very much for your advice and I'll work on improving this story the best I can.
I'll take your helpful "hints" and work with them. ^^

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