Welcome to Gaia! ::

_Weirdo_0.o's avatar

Sparkly Smoker

8,750 Points
  • Risky Lifestyle 100
  • Hygienic 200
  • Money Never Sleeps 200
Hai everyone.
Can you please judge my fiction entry? Any room for improvement?
Thank you heart
Greggy the Monkey
_Weirdo_0.o's avatar

Sparkly Smoker

8,750 Points
  • Risky Lifestyle 100
  • Hygienic 200
  • Money Never Sleeps 200
not sure i'm allowed to bump my topic here...
oh well, #yolo!
xD
You're not supposed to bump unless you're topic goes off the first page. This is an extremely slow forum, so it's safe to say it won't happen for a while.

Quote:
Greggy jumbled [scrambled] across the jungle floor, searching for food. He was a very friendly monkey; [He usually] cleaned his kin's fur [when he was hungry]. However, he wasn't in the mood for buggies from his beloved friends. He wanted real fruit; real bananas. After the metal monsters with white, fleshy hearts began tearing down his home, delicious foods have been harder to find. The alpha male of his clan had an alliance with another pack who lived closer to the side of the jungle that hasn't been abolished. Him, his alpha female, and their son always had fresh fruit. Greggy wondered how the people with more privileges than him, or any of his family or friends, could possibly keep it to themselves when their brethren were dying on the jungle floor.


Okay, so I made some minor corrections in red and suggestions in brackets; I hope you don't mind.

There are a few things that you should probably consider working on:

- Jumbled means mixed up and doesn't fit the sentence you used it. I think scrambled is closer to what you were looking for but it's up to you on how you want to change it.

- I crossed out "He was a friendly monkey" because it seemed out of place and too much telling. You should try showing how the character acts rather than just telling the reader he is friendly.

- You kept switching tense in the story. It started out in past tense so I fixed it to all be past, but you should be careful about being consistent. Otherwise it could ruin the flow.

Show, don't tell. The only thing you showed us was him crossing the jungle floor and it's unclear what your real focus was. Show us what he's doing, and tell us only the minimum details you need for us to understand what's going on. Think about what you want to focus on. Do you want to focus on him getting something to eat? Or showing the world? Or how he acts with his friends? Or how the privileged are so much better off than the dying poor? You don't have to do only one; you could do all of them. But if all of these are important, then you need to show us.

You could do a lot of things to show us these things which would be a lot more interesting than just stating them as facts. Maybe while looking for food, Greggy comes across a privileged family dining on an array of delicious fruits when he had just passed a dozen or so starving monkeys on the way.

Want to show the destruction caused by the beings with fleshy hearts? Describe the area more. How was it affected? What does the jungle look like? How has it changed since the odd creatures came? Have they tried doing anything about it yet? Why?

Want the reader to know how friendly Greggy is? Make him do nice things. Maybe when he finely finds food, he decides to give it to a starving kid monkey instead of eating it himself. Maybe he comes across one of his friends, or maybe a stranger, and helps him out somehow.

Honest, this looks like it could a very interesting and unique story. But you have to expand on the interesting parts. This works as a premise or a summary, but it's hard to keep my interest when you're telling me everything.

Very original idea; I really hope you consider fleshing it out and writing it in full. Good luck with your writing!
_Weirdo_0.o's avatar

Sparkly Smoker

8,750 Points
  • Risky Lifestyle 100
  • Hygienic 200
  • Money Never Sleeps 200
Kairi Nightingale
You're not supposed to bump unless you're topic goes off the first page. This is an extremely slow forum, so it's safe to say it won't happen for a while.

Quote:
Greggy jumbled [scrambled] across the jungle floor, searching for food. He was a very friendly monkey; [He usually] cleaned his kin's fur [when he was hungry]. However, he wasn't in the mood for buggies from his beloved friends. He wanted real fruit; real bananas. After the metal monsters with white, fleshy hearts began tearing down his home, delicious foods have been harder to find. The alpha male of his clan had an alliance with another pack who lived closer to the side of the jungle that hasn't been abolished. Him, his alpha female, and their son always had fresh fruit. Greggy wondered how the people with more privileges than him, or any of his family or friends, could possibly keep it to themselves when their brethren were dying on the jungle floor.


Okay, so I made some minor corrections in red and suggestions in brackets; I hope you don't mind.

There are a few things that you should probably consider working on:

- Jumbled means mixed up and doesn't fit the sentence you used it. I think scrambled is closer to what you were looking for but it's up to you on how you want to change it.

- I crossed out "He was a friendly monkey" because it seemed out of place and too much telling. You should try showing how the character acts rather than just telling the reader he is friendly.

- You kept switching tense in the story. It started out in past tense so I fixed it to all be past, but you should be careful about being consistent. Otherwise it could ruin the flow.

Show, don't tell. The only thing you showed us was him crossing the jungle floor and it's unclear what your real focus was. Show us what he's doing, and tell us only the minimum details you need for us to understand what's going on. Think about what you want to focus on. Do you want to focus on him getting something to eat? Or showing the world? Or how he acts with his friends? Or how the privileged are so much better off than the dying poor? You don't have to do only one; you could do all of them. But if all of these are important, then you need to show us.

You could do a lot of things to show us these things which would be a lot more interesting than just stating them as facts. Maybe while looking for food, Greggy comes across a privileged family dining on an array of delicious fruits when he had just passed a dozen or so starving monkeys on the way.

Want to show the destruction caused by the beings with fleshy hearts? Describe the area more. How was it affected? What does the jungle look like? How has it changed since the odd creatures came? Have they tried doing anything about it yet? Why?

Want the reader to know how friendly Greggy is? Make him do nice things. Maybe when he finely finds food, he decides to give it to a starving kid monkey instead of eating it himself. Maybe he comes across one of his friends, or maybe a stranger, and helps him out somehow.

Honest, this looks like it could a very interesting and unique story. But you have to expand on the interesting parts. This works as a premise or a summary, but it's hard to keep my interest when you're telling me everything.

Very original idea; I really hope you consider fleshing it out and writing it in full. Good luck with your writing!


WOW, THANKS A LOT! heart
Did you get the meaning of the story though? Like, the whole semi-dystopian aspect?
I'll never bump here again haha I have patience problems sweatdrop
_Weirdo_0.o


WOW, THANKS A LOT! heart
Did you get the meaning of the story though? Like, the whole semi-dystopian aspect?
I'll never bump here again haha I have patience problems sweatdrop


You're welcome. ^.^

lol it's alright, a lot of people don't know about the bumping rule when they first come in.

Yeah, the premise was pretty clear. But it could have been clearer on the affects of the environment. The affects of environment and society plays a big part of a story like this. A little description here and there would do a world of good. But make sure to spread out the information and not overdo it too much. That's a common mistake. But it's a first draft, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. wink
_Weirdo_0.o's avatar

Sparkly Smoker

8,750 Points
  • Risky Lifestyle 100
  • Hygienic 200
  • Money Never Sleeps 200
Kairi Nightingale
_Weirdo_0.o


WOW, THANKS A LOT! heart
Did you get the meaning of the story though? Like, the whole semi-dystopian aspect?
I'll never bump here again haha I have patience problems sweatdrop


You're welcome. ^.^

lol it's alright, a lot of people don't know about the bumping rule when they first come in.

Yeah, the premise was pretty clear. But it could have been clearer on the affects of the environment. The affects of environment and society plays a big part of a story like this. A little description here and there would do a world of good. But make sure to spread out the information and not overdo it too much. That's a common mistake. But it's a first draft, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. wink


Yayayay! Hahaa, thanks a lot, again! xD
I think I will flesh it out more... I'm just worried if the message isn't too obvious, then people will not get it.
_Weirdo_0.o


Yayayay! Hahaa, thanks a lot, again! xD
I think I will flesh it out more... I'm just worried if the message isn't too obvious, then people will not get it.


Nah, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Readers are smart. Don't write about nothing, but don't try to force information or concepts down people's throats. Find a nice middle ground.

But, like I said, it should be fine. And hey, if it doesn't come out right the first time, you can always edit later right? biggrin

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get Items
Get Gaia Cash
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games