Script for Theatre class feedback please...?

[Perfect-Carl0s]

I really don't want to fail so can you guys please give me some feedback...? It's supposed to be a musical by the way that's going to be performed in front of my school.

(Curtains are closed until Speaker comes out from the audience and goes onto the stage. Speaker is ageless.)

Speaker: Am I supposed to be here? This is Lyric Theatre...right? Oh okay! Welcome to this play, If you don't know what it is I understand that you've been forced or even dragged here. This play is called "Red, White and Huh" the characters are states in our amazing country of America. it's written by Tiffany Brown and is performed by _, _, _, _ and many others. The some music in this play was written by Tiffany and some were made her favorite bands that are listed in your booklet. The setting of this play is in this year right before winter begins. Today is December 3rd and right before an important meeting with most states.

(Curtains open and the stage only has a large table and a few chairs. Nobody is on stage)

Speaker: (Nervously) What the!? I'm sorry guys, I guess they're late-

New York (fem/age 19): (from audience) O.M.G I just broke a nail! Ugh I hate it here! Just sayin' if you find a fake nail it belongs to me! (stomps onto stage)

Massachusetts (man/23): (also from audience) Oh shut up! (Follows New York onto stage)

New Jersey (man/21): Did anyone bring some booze? (follows)

New Hampshire (boy/10): what's booze!? (holds onto NJ)

Maine (fem/17): Uh! Only grown ups drink it! (also follows)

Vermont (man/1 cool : (sniffles) I need a gun... (goes onto stage)

Mass: Oh, I totally forgot about it...

Vermont: But I want to die today, I can't stand life anymore!

New York: Oh stop it! I'm in a crisus right now! I payed good money for these precious nails!

New Jersey: Let's go partying!

New Hampshire: Yeah!

Mass: No, we need to wait for-

New Jersey: wait for who!?

(Other states walk onto stage, most of them are looking around curious while some are talking to each other)

Washington (fem/25-30): I came to tell good news!

Florida (boy/15): ... (notices Mass) Oh great, that jackass is here...

Hawaii (fem/22): Who...? (they both act like they are talking)

Mississippi (girl/10): (skips around) Oh, where is my New Hampshire!~

Maryland (fem/30-50): Oh my, every body has grown so much!

Mass: (stands up onto desk) Everyone! Is everyone here!?

Maine: [To Mass] Um...Um...I wouldn't do that...

Mass: (doesn't hear) Ello! Mates!? Is Maine here!?

Maine: I'm right next to you!

Mass: New York?

New York: Yeah?

Mass: Vermont?

Vermont: (cries) y-yes I'm here...

Mass: New Hampshire and New Jersey?

Both NH and NJ: YEAH!

Mass: (counts to himself) Okay everyone is here besides...Alaska...

Alaska (fem/23): (off stage) Ooohhh!~~ Massy!~

Mass: Oh ******** me...

Alaska: (enters the stage from up-left) Massy! I missed you so much! I missed my fince

Mass: WHAT!? I will never marry you!

Alaska: But you proposed!~

Mass: I don't love you! Give up, you freak!

Alaska: Oh stop pushing me away!~ I know you want to marry me!

Mass: No I don't! (they act like they are bickering)

Virgin Islands (girl/14): (runs onto stage) Oh guys I'm soooo sorry I'm late! the boat had a delay! (everybody besides Florida is annoyed to see her)

Florida: (notices her, nervously says) O-O-Oh H-H-Hiii V-Virgin Islands...

VI: Hiya Florida! Don't you remember? I want you to call me Isabella! Haha Silly!

Florida: O-O-Okay! Um...Isabella c-can I tell you s-s-something...?

VI: Sure! What's up?

Florida: u-uh... If you were a potato, y-y-you'd be a g-good potato

VI: (clueless) wha?

Florida: (lights go off and only one light is on Florida) Oh great, now she's looking at me like I have three heads, I'm gonna be single forever...Stupid Florida...Stupid, Stupid! (lights go comepletely off, when they come back on everybody but Maine and Mass are on)

Mass: (to himself) what a worthless meeting. Nobody was paying attention...

Maine: I thought it was important and nice to see everyone...again...

Mass: haha, right? So Maine...are we ... you know okay with each other?

Maine: Huh? Oh yea! Yeah...

Mass: You sure?

Maine: ...Can I tell you something that's been on my mind for a while...?

Mass: Sure. Anything.

Maine: (lights go off and a light appears on her as she sings smile

I only have myself to blame
But do you think we can start again
How could I live without you (mmhm)

Mass: (lights go back on) Hello? Maine...? You alive?

Maine: Oh yeah! Um...Goodnight! (she rushes off stage)

[Kairi Nightingale]

A lot of the sentences were awkward at the beginning, like they were missing words. Try reading the whole thing out loud to yourself. You'll see what I mean.

I think you meant "fiance" not "fince".

What does it mean by the speaker being 'ageless'?

Honestly, the whole thing was kind of pointless. A bunch of states were introduced, then they left. There was no main plot, no interest, no reason why they were there.... Nothing. There were a couple small conflicts (florida liking Isabella but she doesn't notice, Alaska pushing Mass to get married) around but nothing came of them. It was confusing and irrelevant. I mean, what was the point?

As for it being a musical... there was only, what, three lines of singing? And it looks like you just stuffed them in at the end. Again, what was the point of the singing? A musical is suppose to be way more... well musical than that. And it should have some meaning to it.

Now I think I should mention that I'm not actually too familiar with theater and scripts...(I also am not sure what exactly the assignment is) but what you could do is make up a song about the states introducing themselves along with some of the relationships between them, and then make a little story out of it. They should be singing all, or at least most of the time. Watching a few plays or musicals could help you get some ideas and a feel for what's expected.

Good luck!