UC Poika
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- Posted: Thu, 26 Feb 2009 09:33:03 +0000
Miss Shirahime
Well, first of all, if this is going to be a long term thing would you please clean it up? I'm a bit OCD when it comes to that, and really, you don't have to bump. We'll notice you okay?
To Mr. Crazy,
I read your least rated one, one thing I would have to say I noticed was the fact that you see well there was just too much of that stuff called filler, maybe if you improved your syntax a little?
As much as you use too much filler, sometimes your voice isn't as interesting as you tell it to be, the sentence with "common robin" would've been transformed into a red-breasted robin shrilled a warning call to a nearby blackbird; this familiar saga performed since the birth of these two creatures... and so on and so on.
Differentiated Dialects Divides Dialogue. Maybe make the grandmothers voice different from everyone else?
Same thing with starry sky.
Ending also a little flat.
Don't mistake me, the more I comment on someone's piece the better it is. You did well!
To Mr. Crazy,
I read your least rated one, one thing I would have to say I noticed was the fact that you see well there was just too much of that stuff called filler, maybe if you improved your syntax a little?
As much as you use too much filler, sometimes your voice isn't as interesting as you tell it to be, the sentence with "common robin" would've been transformed into a red-breasted robin shrilled a warning call to a nearby blackbird; this familiar saga performed since the birth of these two creatures... and so on and so on.
Differentiated Dialects Divides Dialogue. Maybe make the grandmothers voice different from everyone else?
Same thing with starry sky.
Ending also a little flat.
Don't mistake me, the more I comment on someone's piece the better it is. You did well!
I take it you don't like poetry either then, let alone the poetic style... Thanks for comment.
