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ADULTS's avatar

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http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=100296949

Leaving a link in order to warn anyone who wants to read that the story is quite long, so PLEASE don't bother reading something that's the equivalent of 14 pages if you don't have the time.

And no idiotic 'critiques'. I need real advice to shape up my style. Be as harsh as you can goddamn be, please.
Auric Halcyon's avatar

Inquisitive Strawberry

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Your grammar takes a while before it settles down into a more natural rhythm in this, its very jerky and sudden with a lot of sentences that remind me of trying to puff-out an essay- they're repetitive and don't need to be, I can see you were trying for an effect, but it's just kind of irritating, not swish or cool. Your sentences also come off as overly flowery in some places, so they're hard to swallow and make me wince from the level of cliche used. The bit with the subconscious seems vaguely malicious around the last few lines, but I'm having trouble seeing if it serves any purpose whatsoever. The whole thing repeats too much, too often. Also, the 'repeating the same routine all the time is so horrible, boy it sucks' shows up so many times I want to strangle the character for being such a spoiled brat. Aside from how horrible his life is that he has his own car, parents to cook breakfast for him, and very little other concerns apart from school- I can't sympathize with him at all (he really does come off as being some spoiled brat). The fuzziness of the people around him would be better if you just mentioned it in passing rather than dwelling on it so much- I know it's probably supposed to be foreshadowing that this is all really a dream but its so insistent I was expecting him to have a fit or something that his head was going to explode, or aliens, or reality warp- point is, you emphasized it WAYYY too much. The speech with his friends was entirely too robotic, perhaps try reading it out loud in monotone and you'll see what I mean. It comes out forced and 'convenient'.

What I did like; the sunlight. you did very nice description on everything with the sunlight, the warmth and the reactions were very well written and well delivered, it was very smooth and very sneakily placed in the piece. Well done. You also did well on his personality and keeping it consistant, he was annoying, but he didn't suddenly grow a second head midway through. The girl to me seemed to be something of an object really, whether this was intentional or not, I don't know.

For a gaian story however, I give this 5/5. For a piece to submit or work on seriously 6/10. Gaia is not the standard to aim for- but you have obvious potential, your just still somewhat rough around the edges.
ADULTS's avatar

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Your grammar takes a while before it settles down into a more natural rhythm in this, its very jerky and sudden with a lot of sentences that remind me of trying to puff-out an essay


Yes, I did intend for somewhat of a jerky-feeling for the entire thing, in order to enhance the unreality of it. But jeeze, it was REALLY difficult for me to pull off, ending up with some of it sounding REALLY bad.

so they're hard to swallow and make me wince from the level of cliche used.


I would LOVE for you to point these places out, for this was what I actually noticed the most, and wanted to eliminate. I seriously hate purple prose, and I was afraid I got a bit carried away in some bits.

The whole thing repeats too much, too often

I was attempting to go for a trope in his internal monologue and in his dialogue, and so I needed to repeat many of his mannerisms/phrases. What exactly repeated that was hugely noticeable?

Also, the 'repeating the same routine all the time is so horrible, boy it sucks' shows up so many times I want to strangle the character for being such a spoiled brat. Aside from how horrible his life is that he has his own car, parents to cook breakfast for him, and very little other concerns apart from school- I can't sympathize with him at all (he really does come off as being some spoiled brat).

Yes, the 'brat' character was me basically trying to get the kid to seem like an idiot teenager who couldn't tell what real suffering was. I could understand the reader not being able to connect. (even though my entire purpose was to get the reader to affiliate. Total failure..)

point is, you emphasized it WAYYY too much

I actually did realize this after reading it once over. thank god you pointed that out, i would never have noticed.

The speech with his friends was entirely too robotic


This was a bit intentional. Mostly me trying to get the reader uncomfortable with what was supposed to be real life.

The girl to me seemed to be something of an object really, whether this was intentional or not, I don't know.


This was intentional, yes.

---

But THANK YOU so much! heart

There were TONS of things you pointed out I'd never noticed before, and so-


-time to keep working. scream

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