Is this good?? :3

[Xx-Alisaurous-xX]

Tell me honsestly, this is from my story when I was staying up really late and having a loopy mind, do you think this is good? emotion_kirakira



"I'm tired," I said.
"I'm not. I've been sleeping all day."
I sighed, "You're gonna become unfit and flabby. Go outside and run a mile."
"Why don't you run a mile?"
"Because I played in the snow today. I'm all worked out and tired. Just go walk somewhere... and then run... and then jog... and then get me some coffee."
"Get your own coffee."
"It's the boyfriend's duty to not be lazy and get the girlfriend coffee and to jog when he starts getting squishy."
"I'm not squishy!" Leo protested.
I poked his stomach and snickered. "You need to jog."
Leo looked down at himself and moaned. "But I want to be lazy!!"
"Your sister will laugh at you, and I will too. Don't become a bubble-man!"
"I'm not fat!"
I smiled, "I never said you were fat. I said you need to run. Go. Get up. Let me be the lazy one. And get me some coffee."
"No."
"Leeooooooo! Don't become a flabby pancake! Go run down the stairs and back up! And then I'll lay on the floor and crab-walk to you."
"But I don't want to!"
"You suck! You don't know anything!"
"BLEH!"
"LEO! Get out of the amazing bed! Carry me somewhere! Go get strong!"
"NO!"
"I AM A CHERISHED GIFT TO THE WORLD!"
"NO YOU ARE HATED!"
" I LOVE THE SMELL AND THE APPEARANCE OF FLOWERS!"
" I LOOK AFTER SEVERAL PEOPLE AND I AM REGARDED AS A MOTHERLY FIGURE BY MANY!!" Leo yelled.
"A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I'M MEAN. I JUST THINK I'M REAL; I DON'T PRETEND TO BE HAPPY WHEN I'M NOT!! AH!"
"I'M SILVER, BECAUSE I SHINE LIKE A STAR!!"
"IT'S A SILVER UNICORN!"
"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!"
" I AM HONEST AND HONORABLE!!" I yelled.
"THAT'S SUCH A LIE!"
"I KNOW! I DIDN'T REALIZE UNTIL AFTER I SCREAMED IT OUT!"
"I AM WISE!"
"NO YOU'RE STUPID AND FLABBY! GO GET ME SOME COFFEE!"
"YOU DON'T EVER LIKE COFFEE!"
I blinked. "I know... I meant MAGIC PEACE TEA!"
"Peace Tea isn't magic!"
"GO RUN!"
"I'M NOT FLABBY!"
I jumped out of the bed and yanked on Leo's arm. "GO AND RUN! I DON'T WANT A FAT BOYFRIEND!"
" I wouldn't mind losing some weight."
"SHUT UP! YOU'RE SUPER SKINNY AND AWESOME AND MUSCULAR! GO RUN DOWN THE STAIRS!"
" Eh. Who cares. They taste good afterward." Leo said randomly.
I blinked. "You went too far. You make no sense."
Leo snickered. "Ha! You stopped yelling."
"HAHAHHAHA!" I freaking yelled freaking loud.



ty

[Quincester]

It was like reading in bubbles. It seems to be all over the place though.

[Xx-Alisaurous-xX]

Quincester

It was like reading in bubbles. It seems to be all over the place though.

My friend Corbyn and I were using random things from these tests online. It was a moment of random in my book biggrin

[rinretto]

Xx-Alisaurous-xX

Hm.. try to avoid using words like 'freaking' as a dialogue tag.
Too many capitals can be expressing to much. Same with exclamation points.
I understand that they're having a good time, but express that outside of what they're saying.
You can explain how their feeling or what they're doing by giving the reader more of a description.

And, also. If they're laughing, avoid putting 'hahahaha', just write that they are laughing.

[SnowWhiteKittie]

exclaim exclaim exclaim exclaim exclaim exclaim exclaim amazing exclaim exclaim exclaim exclaim exclaim exclaim !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Death2_marr]

lol thats hilarious! rofl

[Xx-Alisaurous-xX]

Death2_marr

lol thats hilarious! rofl

emotion_kirakira Really? Imma gonna send the whole thing to a publisher when I get it done. It's A LOT better when you read the whole thing emotion_awesome

[Kairi Nightingale]

Xx-Alisaurous-xX

Death2_marr

lol thats hilarious! rofl

emotion_kirakira Really? Imma gonna send the whole thing to a publisher when I get it done. It's A LOT better when you read the whole thing emotion_awesome

It's funny! But...uh.... please don't take offense but it would be kind of pointless to put it in an actual book. Doesn't tell us anything or contribute to anything except that the characters are random. And I'm sure something that important to their characterization would already be shown countless times in the book without this part in.

Just my opinion. ^.^

[Xx-Alisaurous-xX]

Kairi Nightingale

Xx-Alisaurous-xX

Death2_marr

lol thats hilarious! rofl

emotion_kirakira Really? Imma gonna send the whole thing to a publisher when I get it done. It's A LOT better when you read the whole thing emotion_awesome

It's funny! But...uh.... please don't take offense but it would be kind of pointless to put it in an actual book. Doesn't tell us anything or contribute to anything except that the characters are random. And I'm sure something that important to their characterization would already be shown countless times in the book without this part in.

Just my opinion. ^.^

Ohhhh yaaa I forgot about this thread....

anyway, that was a long time ago when I wrote that. I realize now that the whole book was stupid and just like this piece. So I scraped it, went off to write new stories, and I just recently got back to it. Trust me, the new writing will flow smoother, have less capitals, and actually make sense.

Thanks for the feedback though!

[Kairi Nightingale]

Xx-Alisaurous-xX

Kairi Nightingale

Xx-Alisaurous-xX

Death2_marr

lol thats hilarious! rofl

emotion_kirakira Really? Imma gonna send the whole thing to a publisher when I get it done. It's A LOT better when you read the whole thing emotion_awesome

It's funny! But...uh.... please don't take offense but it would be kind of pointless to put it in an actual book. Doesn't tell us anything or contribute to anything except that the characters are random. And I'm sure something that important to their characterization would already be shown countless times in the book without this part in.

Just my opinion. ^.^

Ohhhh yaaa I forgot about this thread....

anyway, that was a long time ago when I wrote that. I realize now that the whole book was stupid and just like this piece. So I scraped it, went off to write new stories, and I just recently got back to it. Trust me, the new writing will flow smoother, have less capitals, and actually make sense.

Thanks for the feedback though!

Oh! lol Sorry, I was just browsing threads and didn't check the date before posting. sweatdrop Man, this really is a slow forum, isn't it? lol

Okay, well, good luck on your new project(s)!