How's my story?

[Vampyre_Masquerade]

Can anyone critique my story? I just want to know how others see it. biggrin I'd be glad to recieve any constructive criticism. smile

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A cup of paint

It was during a particularly cold day on a September afternoon when I met Jude. He was sitting on the old battered bench beside me, his golden hair messy and tousled everywhere. There was no sound except the falling of the leaves and the running wind. His big, bright brown eyes looked happy as he smiled at the cup as coffee he was holding. The smell of autumn air mixed with its aroma.
"Do you like coffee?" the fifteen year old boy asked me, and that's when I noticed him. I started at the stranger before me.
"A-are you...asking me?" I asked him. He wasn't looking at me so I could never have been sure.
"I know you rather want to drink hot chocolate." he replied, not answering my initial question. He then looked at me or rather the empty space between us.
"Well - I do like coffee." she answered him. His face then started to crumple and he began to cry.
"I'm sorry - I'm sorry I couldn't find any! It's already late and there was only this coffee shop. And I bought coffee instead of chocolate I'm sorry." he sobbed.
Completely confused but wanting to help this boy I tried to comfort him. "It's alright...don't worry, I'll still drink the coffee."
"No you can't drink this! Don't drink!" he shouted as he stood up and threw the cup on the floor and began stomping and kicking it. He continued shouting for almost a full minute and I was beginning to feel scared. I picked up my phone to dial the police station but a voice stopped me from doing it. A car stopped a few meters away from them.
"Jude! Stop it!" the woman shouted. She had the same golden blond hair as the boy. Jude went ballistic.
"Don't drink it! Don't drink it!" he continued shouting. The woman went to Jude and brought him down with all her strength, pinning his arms with her knees. She too was crying.
"Jude stop it! She's not here anymore! She's not coming back!" Jude kept on shouting and crying.
"She's dead Jude!" the woman screamed louder so Jude could hear her. Too confused to speak I just sat there frozen. Jude stopped moving and started crying.
"It's not you're fault Jude." she continued softly. "You didn't know about it. You didn't do it. Don't blame yourself." Jude continued to cry.
"I- I didn't know..." Jude repeated as he calmed down and cried. The woman stood up.
"Let's go home now." Jude stood up with her. The woman hugged him. "Stop coming back here." She told Jude.
Right then and there things became clear to me and every time I smell coffee I remember Jude. I remember how he gave a cup of paint which he thought was coffee to Rose. Accidentally killing his friend and my sister.

[Vampyre_Masquerade]

anyone?

[Kairi Nightingale]

This is a really, really slow part of the writers forum so you'll have to be very patient with responses.
It's also a general rule not to bump unless your thread falls off the first page. ^.^

The story was written well, but I had a few problems with the plot. It's kind of hard to believe that the main character never met Jude when he was her sister's best friend AND the one who accidentally killed her. Also, I would think, if not Jude, then Rose would have realized the difference between paint and coffee. Both have a very strong and recognizable smell and the difference in temperature would be notable as well, unless the paint was heated. Of course, that would just make the smell stronger and even more noticeable. I find it hard to believe that someone would not only be oblivious to the fact that it was paint, but actually swallow enough to kill themselves. Wouldn't she had taken a careful sip first? If not, wouldn't she had spit it out as soon as she realized it wasn't coffee? If she did swallow a little, even then, as long as an ambulance reached her in time, I believe they could have saved her from the poisoning. (Of course, I'm no medical expert so that'd be something you'd have to research.) But those things kind of bugged me in the end. Aside from that, you had a good idea going.

[Vampyre_Masquerade]

Kairi Nightingale

This is a really, really slow part of the writers forum so you'll have to be very patient with responses.
It's also a general rule not to bump unless your thread falls off the first page. ^.^

The story was written well, but I had a few problems with the plot. It's kind of hard to believe that the main character never met Jude when he was her sister's best friend AND the one who accidentally killed her. Also, I would think, if not Jude, then Rose would have realized the difference between paint and coffee. Both have a very strong and recognizable smell and the difference in temperature would be notable as well, unless the paint was heated. Of course, that would just make the smell stronger and even more noticeable. I find it hard to believe that someone would not only be oblivious to the fact that it was paint, but actually swallow enough to kill themselves. Wouldn't she had taken a careful sip first? If not, wouldn't she had spit it out as soon as she realized it wasn't coffee? If she did swallow a little, even then, as long as an ambulance reached her in time, I believe they could have saved her from the poisoning. (Of course, I'm no medical expert so that'd be something you'd have to research.) But those things kind of bugged me in the end. Aside from that, you had a good idea going.

Thank you for your comments. 3nodding

Your observations made sense and I can actually say that I might have lacked some (maybe a lot of) details in my story. I do think that it would have been better if I didn't write it as a short story since there is much to explain. I thought of it as Jude and Rose being mentally ill and escaping the asylum. So they ride a bus. At the bus station Jude goes away to buy something to drink but instead sees the cup of paint thinking it was coffee. (for explainable reasons and lack of imagination, it appeared there) He then goes back to Rose and gives her the cup. Rose rejects it since she doesn't like the taste which saddens Jude. So Rose drinks all of it to appease Jude and then after sometime she dies. The next day her sister hears the report from the police and then she goes back to the place where her sister died.

[Kairi Nightingale]

Vampyre_Masquerade

Kairi Nightingale

This is a really, really slow part of the writers forum so you'll have to be very patient with responses.
It's also a general rule not to bump unless your thread falls off the first page. ^.^

The story was written well, but I had a few problems with the plot. It's kind of hard to believe that the main character never met Jude when he was her sister's best friend AND the one who accidentally killed her. Also, I would think, if not Jude, then Rose would have realized the difference between paint and coffee. Both have a very strong and recognizable smell and the difference in temperature would be notable as well, unless the paint was heated. Of course, that would just make the smell stronger and even more noticeable. I find it hard to believe that someone would not only be oblivious to the fact that it was paint, but actually swallow enough to kill themselves. Wouldn't she had taken a careful sip first? If not, wouldn't she had spit it out as soon as she realized it wasn't coffee? If she did swallow a little, even then, as long as an ambulance reached her in time, I believe they could have saved her from the poisoning. (Of course, I'm no medical expert so that'd be something you'd have to research.) But those things kind of bugged me in the end. Aside from that, you had a good idea going.

Thank you for your comments. 3nodding

Your observations made sense and I can actually say that I might have lacked some (maybe a lot of) details in my story. I do think that it would have been better if I didn't write it as a short story since there is much to explain. I thought of it as Jude and Rose being mentally ill and escaping the asylum. So they ride a bus. At the bus station Jude goes away to buy something to drink but instead sees the cup of paint thinking it was coffee. (for explainable reasons and lack of imagination, it appeared there) He then goes back to Rose and gives her the cup. Rose rejects it since she doesn't like the taste which saddens Jude. So Rose drinks all of it to appease Jude and then after sometime she dies. The next day her sister hears the report from the police and then she goes back to the place where her sister died.

Oh, I see. That could work then. All you would really have to do is give a little more info on Rose, I think. Maybe if you add some mental thought from her sister about how she remembered her as she sat in the place, then that might be enough. Just an idea, of course. It's up to you. :3

[Vampyre_Masquerade]

Kairi Nightingale

Vampyre_Masquerade

Kairi Nightingale

This is a really, really slow part of the writers forum so you'll have to be very patient with responses.
It's also a general rule not to bump unless your thread falls off the first page. ^.^

The story was written well, but I had a few problems with the plot. It's kind of hard to believe that the main character never met Jude when he was her sister's best friend AND the one who accidentally killed her. Also, I would think, if not Jude, then Rose would have realized the difference between paint and coffee. Both have a very strong and recognizable smell and the difference in temperature would be notable as well, unless the paint was heated. Of course, that would just make the smell stronger and even more noticeable. I find it hard to believe that someone would not only be oblivious to the fact that it was paint, but actually swallow enough to kill themselves. Wouldn't she had taken a careful sip first? If not, wouldn't she had spit it out as soon as she realized it wasn't coffee? If she did swallow a little, even then, as long as an ambulance reached her in time, I believe they could have saved her from the poisoning. (Of course, I'm no medical expert so that'd be something you'd have to research.) But those things kind of bugged me in the end. Aside from that, you had a good idea going.

Thank you for your comments. 3nodding

Your observations made sense and I can actually say that I might have lacked some (maybe a lot of) details in my story. I do think that it would have been better if I didn't write it as a short story since there is much to explain. I thought of it as Jude and Rose being mentally ill and escaping the asylum. So they ride a bus. At the bus station Jude goes away to buy something to drink but instead sees the cup of paint thinking it was coffee. (for explainable reasons and lack of imagination, it appeared there) He then goes back to Rose and gives her the cup. Rose rejects it since she doesn't like the taste which saddens Jude. So Rose drinks all of it to appease Jude and then after sometime she dies. The next day her sister hears the report from the police and then she goes back to the place where her sister died.

Oh, I see. That could work then. All you would really have to do is give a little more info on Rose, I think. Maybe if you add some mental thought from her sister about how she remembered her as she sat in the place, then that might be enough. Just an idea, of course. It's up to you. :3

Thanks for the suggestion! I guess that make my story more understandable. 3nodding I never thought of it while I was writing. sweatdrop

[Kairi Nightingale]

Vampyre_Masquerade

Kairi Nightingale

Vampyre_Masquerade

Kairi Nightingale

This is a really, really slow part of the writers forum so you'll have to be very patient with responses.
It's also a general rule not to bump unless your thread falls off the first page. ^.^

The story was written well, but I had a few problems with the plot. It's kind of hard to believe that the main character never met Jude when he was her sister's best friend AND the one who accidentally killed her. Also, I would think, if not Jude, then Rose would have realized the difference between paint and coffee. Both have a very strong and recognizable smell and the difference in temperature would be notable as well, unless the paint was heated. Of course, that would just make the smell stronger and even more noticeable. I find it hard to believe that someone would not only be oblivious to the fact that it was paint, but actually swallow enough to kill themselves. Wouldn't she had taken a careful sip first? If not, wouldn't she had spit it out as soon as she realized it wasn't coffee? If she did swallow a little, even then, as long as an ambulance reached her in time, I believe they could have saved her from the poisoning. (Of course, I'm no medical expert so that'd be something you'd have to research.) But those things kind of bugged me in the end. Aside from that, you had a good idea going.

Thank you for your comments. 3nodding

Your observations made sense and I can actually say that I might have lacked some (maybe a lot of) details in my story. I do think that it would have been better if I didn't write it as a short story since there is much to explain. I thought of it as Jude and Rose being mentally ill and escaping the asylum. So they ride a bus. At the bus station Jude goes away to buy something to drink but instead sees the cup of paint thinking it was coffee. (for explainable reasons and lack of imagination, it appeared there) He then goes back to Rose and gives her the cup. Rose rejects it since she doesn't like the taste which saddens Jude. So Rose drinks all of it to appease Jude and then after sometime she dies. The next day her sister hears the report from the police and then she goes back to the place where her sister died.

Oh, I see. That could work then. All you would really have to do is give a little more info on Rose, I think. Maybe if you add some mental thought from her sister about how she remembered her as she sat in the place, then that might be enough. Just an idea, of course. It's up to you. :3

Thanks for the suggestion! I guess that make my story more understandable. 3nodding I never thought of it while I was writing. sweatdrop

lol I guess that's why it's always good to get an outside opinion, huh? I do that a lot, too. :3