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Register to reply| Hell no... sucks more than a vacuum... |    |
16.7% | [ 3 ] |
| Yes it does write more b!tch wel enslave you | |
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| I didnt read it i dont care screw you! | |
33.3% | [ 6 ] |
| Me likee shiny..:) | |
22.2% | [ 4 ] |
| Hungry hungry hippo me want more. | |
16.7% | [ 3 ] |
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O.O no one has read it since i posted it sad
and i kinda want opinions to see if the formula works >.< EDIT:I moved it all to deviantart and added some more things o.o http://jarjarbins.deviantart.com/art/Humanity-146847775 |
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It's not very good. You've got this weird rambling thing going on the whole time. That really makes it hard to read. Honestly, I think you would have done better with a poem.
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the idea it self sounds good but reading it just gets tedious at some points. the way you describe things is good but if you could just cut back on that and actually get to the nitty-gritty of the just plan action it would do you a world of good. more short blantant sentences would help with the affect that i think your trying to create. and i think that's all i got, i'm not sure any of it made sense but do what you can with it.
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amelia-chan1 the idea it self sounds good but reading it just gets tedious at some points. the way you describe things is good but if you could just cut back on that and actually get to the nitty-gritty of the just plan action it would do you a world of good. more short blantant sentences would help with the affect that i think your trying to create. and i think that's all i got, i'm not sure any of it made sense but do what you can with it. Think i kinda got the idea O.o But thanks smile |
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THERES NO STORY!!!!!!!!!!
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greenrulzz THERES NO STORY!!!!!!!!!! Um, there is a link to it. |
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Very creative. Very mysterious. One problem I see in your writing, you use "......" a lot. When you write a story, you want to avoid using "......" a lot. If you wanted to use "......" for pause situations, replace it with word description. Like: Hesitantly, or slowly. Over all, I like the situation of the story, dispite what anyone else says. I like this kind of stuff. I would encourage you to keep writing, but keep what I mentioned in mind if it helps. Let me know if it did help.
Happy writing! =) |
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a little wordy. abusing a vocabulary can be a bad thing.
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I liked it but it was kinda sketchy!There were clear thoughts and feelings, rising action, conflict, and falling action.The title fit the story well! smile
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