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With the criteria I was given, did I do a good job?

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Faryn Von Ovine's avatar

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I would like to have your critiques and input on this. It wasn't an easy to write but it sure was a lot of fun.

It was actually a test by someone who wanted to see if I could write and wanted to roleplay. He gave this set-up:

**Female sales clerk and specialist at a Salon and Spa.
**The boyfriend, who cheated on her, walks in and doesn't recognize her.
**She tricks him by saying he won a free makeover.
**Make him feminine looking with no masculinity left.
**Must be Second-person narrative.

What made it difficult for me was that I have never written in a second-person narrative before for anything other than letters and notes. Writing a story in that style is a new concept for me, but I feel I did a great job.

Secondly, I have never been to a salon and spa before and had no idea what they did so I had to do quite a bit of research. Uniforms, massages, specialties, etc. I think I did pretty well in that area too.

But, please, give me some feedback and critiques if you have any. It would be much appreciated.

emotion_awesome
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My name is Adeline Moore, but am more commonly known as ‘Addie.’ I am twenty-seven years old, live in Mobridge, South Dakota, and work at the Escape on Main salon and spa. It’s a rather new job for me; was hired shortly after you cheated on me with that black hole with legs who I used to think was my best friend. That was almost eight months ago. Then after you left, I decided to start over; I have a new look and a new perspective on life. But you didn’t know…

As I was working behind the front desk at the salon, taking calls and scheduling appointments, not a single thought in my mind had ever suspected that I would see you again. I thought I had gotten over it, moved on, was better off without you. I was right two-out-of-three. The moment you walked in, I recognized you immediately and I felt my heart stop in my chest. It only took a second for me to realize that you didn’t recognize me in return. It then occurred to me that I had given myself a whole new makeover after the breakup and I looked like a completely different person.

Back when you and I were dating, I used to have straight auburn hair that went down to the middle of my back. I had (and still technically have) dark green eyes and was a bit on the chunky side. But, only weeks after you cheated and moved in with her, I cut off almost all of my hair up to my chin, dyed it a beautiful gold-blonde, and curled it so it had a seemingly natural wave. I now wear blue contact lenses instead of the clunky, black glasses, and wear light make-up. I also made a point of losing weight and working out, resulting in the slender, curvy body which was nicely accentuated by my work uniform.

I wear a white, button-down tunic that had a fitted waist, a small stand-up collar, and little bows on my ¾ sleeves. My skirt, form-fitting and white, stopped right above the knees with a zipper in the back, showing off my stunning long legs. My white 1800s’-styled, 6-inch heel added to my appearance as well with a lace up the front. The only thing about me that could have given me away was my name tag reading ‘Adeline’. Thankfully, you were too stupid.

As you walked up to the desk, a bright smile spread over my glossy, pink lips as I said, “Welcome to Escape on Main. What can I do for you today, M… Sir?” I caught myself as I began to say your name. I didn’t want you to know it was me. That’s when it occurred to me: I could finally get my revenge on you. Humiliate you for what you did to me.

I glanced down at the little black schedule book lying open in front of me on the desk before exclaiming, “It says here that you are our 1,000th customer! Congratulations! You have one a full-day, top-quality make-over on the house. My name is Addie and I will be taking care of you today.”

I winced when my name slipped out of habit. I could feel my nerves growing hot when I saw the expression of puzzlement on your face. To remedy my potential mistake, I quickly stepped out from behind the counter and placed my hand on your shoulder and guided you back to the spa treatment room. “Come with me, please.

“Today, I am going to make you into a whole new person. You will catch the eye of women everywhere, turn heads,” I continued to explain as I schemed up a delectable plan that would destroy you forever. The transformation of a lifetime.

I led you to a very comfortable chair in a separate room, locking the door behind us quietly enough so you wouldn’t hear it click. All the necessary products and tools were already in the room, ready to be used. I had your strip of everything except your boxers, setting your clothing and miscellaneous items on the far counter, then I sat you down in the chair and lie back in a lounging position.

“First, I am going to get you set up so that I can do waxing, manicure, pedicure, and massage,” I said as I grabbed a bottle of the salon’s best exfoliating cream and began to put it onto your face and under your chin, leaning your head back then placing a cucumber slice on each eye. “The waxing may be uncomfortable at first but I will just need you to stay relaxed. I will let you know when to take a deep breath, alright?”

I could see your body quickly relax, a long, drawn-out sigh exhaling from your chest as it slowly fell. A devious grin replaced the mock-smile as I looked about the room for what I was should use first. I rinsed off my hands of the exfoliating cream and found myself heating up the wax, listening to the soft mood music in the background. Once I was satisfied, I went back over to you and began to pour the wax over your legs. I saw you tense up from the heat. “Relax, Sir… Take slow, deep breaths and it will be over soon.”

I placed one of the strips down on the wax and counted for you in a soothing tone. Once I saw you relax the best you could, I ripped of paper as fast as I could; only leaving a hairless patch of skin on your leg. “See? It wasn’t so bad,” I cooed with a grin. I noted that your hands gripped the arms of the chair tightly so I gently patted one of them and you relaxed once more. This was repeated over a dozen more time just on the legs. By the time 45 minutes was up, I had managed to wax your entire body except for the area beneath your boxers, including your eyebrows and any facial hair.

I then had you lie on your stomach on a massage table. I started out with a back cleansing treatment by massaging your back then used an exfoliating scrub and deep pore cleansing. Once finished with that, I began to work out the muscles all along your body with a honey body scrub seaweed cream. I knew this would make your skin silky and soft like that of a woman’s, working it deep into your body. She could smell the honey, almonds, and buttermilk aroma coming from his body. I noticed that you were falling on the table from the luxurious massage so I woke you enough to move you back to the chair where you could fall asleep once more as I moved onto the next stage of my plan, but not before I washed off the facial cream and replaced the cucumber.

As soon as I was confident you had fully gone to sleep, I brought out the manicure and pedicure set. French tips, I thought. French tips and nail art will do the trick. Then I will give you a whole new hairstyle and make-up…

I found a stool and set it up beside your chair as you slept and began to work away at your hands and feet, styling them into French tips with a beautiful, red flower design on each one then applying a cover that would make the design and polish durable and lasting. I looked over my handiwork one more time then moved on to my next task so that they could dry. I carefully removed the cucumbers and threw them away, bringing over a make-up kit.

I must not wake him so I will do light make-up and add fake eyelashes, I decided. I applied a light layer of foundation over your face, long-lasting pale lipstick, and eye-popping, eyeliner to your eyes. I then took special care to not wake you as I glued the fake eyelashes to your eyelids.

“Time to the fun part,” I said in a mischievous purr. I moved behind you and washed and rinsed your hair. I then mixed up a light colored dye before painting it into your dark hair and wrapping it in foil to sit for a while. It took a long time do cover your entire head with the dye and foil and even longer to dry as you slumbered. After several times of checking and much impatience to put the finishing touches to her scheme, your hair was finally dry enough to work with.

“Snip, snip,” I chuckled as I opened and closed a pair of scissors then assaulted your now bleach blonde hair, trimming it down, and styling it into a cute bob-cut. I then gelled it close to your head to the way women in the fifties had done it.

Taking a step back, my work was finally through. The end result was better than I could have ever expected. If it weren’t for the boxers and lack of breasts, I might have mistaken you for just any other woman that came into Escape to Main. A satisfied smirk curled from cheek to cheek as I cleaned up everything and put it back to the way it was before. I had to do one more thing before I felt like I truly had justice.

I wrote on a small card, folded it in half, and placed it on your chest gently. I then placed a small kiss on your forehead, leaving a small, glossy kiss-print, and turned away, leaving you asleep on the chair. Justice was served.

“You shouldn’t have cheated…”
Hi! I don't usually read second person, as I find it very odd and almost intolerable when I can't relate to the "you" in the story, but yours caught my eye and I decided to read it. Note: I will be writing notes as I read it, so you can see what I'm thinking right as I'm going through the story.

First, I just like to point out that it is harder to read something when it's centered like this. I know it makes it look prettier but while it's okay for role plays, I highly suggest just using normal alignment when it's a short story.

Pai-Pai the Awesome
My name is Adeline Moore, but am more commonly known as ‘Addie.’ I am twenty-seven years old, live in Mobridge, South Dakota, and work at the Escape on Main salon and spa. It’s a rather new job for me; was hired shortly after you cheated on me with that black hole with legs who I used to think was my best friend. That was almost eight months ago. Then after you left, I decided to start over; I have a new look and a new perspective on life. But you didn’t know…


The first two lines sound like a info dump. I know in role plays, this is a standard way of introducing a character, but you should never start off with "My name is... My age is.... I work at...." in a story. It's not a very good hook and you can easily work in the name and details of the characters in the story. For a short piece like this, sometimes you don't even need to say the name of the character.

I would also get rid of the ellipse (...) at the end there. They can easily be over-used, and seeing as they are meant to show pauses or when the character is 'trailing off', they don't really make sense unless it's in dialogue. That's just from my experience, though. I recently read a book that overused them and it got old very fast.

Quote:
As I was working behind the front desk at the salon, taking calls and scheduling appointments, not a single thought in my mind had ever suspected that I would see you again. I thought I had gotten over it, moved on, was better off without you. I was right two-out-of-three. The moment you walked in, I recognized you immediately and I felt my heart stop in my chest. It only took a second for me to realize that you didn’t recognize me in return. It then occurred to me that I had given myself a whole new makeover after the breakup and I looked like a completely different person.


Bold: You mentioned in the last paragraph that she had looked different. I feel like you may have repeated this too soon. On the other hand, I really like this paragraph. In fact, I think you should use this one to start it off since it mentions all the important stuff right off the bat (the break up, the makeover, the job at the salon), while having the story move forward (ex walking in and not recognizing her). That's purely my opinion, though.

Quote:
Back when you and I were dating, I used to have straight auburn hair that went down to the middle of my back. I had (and still technically have) dark green eyes and was a bit on the chunky side. But, only weeks after you cheated and moved in with her, I cut off almost all of my hair up to my chin, dyed it a beautiful gold-blonde, and curled it so it had a seemingly natural wave. I now wear blue contact lenses instead of the clunky, black glasses, and wear light make-up. I also made a point of losing weight and working out, resulting in the slender, curvy body which was nicely accentuated by my work uniform.


I don't think the parenthesis are needed since you explain the use of contact lenses later. Also, you began almost all of your sentences with "I" (A very common problem when writing in first person... well first-second person... you get it.) Try to switch it up a little bit. Get creative with the sentences, but be careful not to overdo it. You can even combine some of them.

Ex: Instead of the clunky, black glasses that had once shielded my murky green eyes, I now wore a pair of beautiful blue contact lenses. Where once I was chunky and out of shape, now I was all slender and curves nicely accentuated by my (I feel like I need a descriptive word here) work uniform.

Well, something like that, anyway. xD You get the idea.

It's kind of tricky at first, and it's usually something I fix after the first draft but it gets easier with practice. But, like I said, don't overdo it. You don't want to end up with almost incoherent or ridiculous-sounding sentences just because you were trying to avoid the word "I".

Quote:
I wear a white, button-down tunic that had a fitted waist, a small stand-up collar, and little bows on my ¾ sleeves. My skirt, form-fitting and white, stopped right above the knees with a zipper in the back, showing off my stunning long legs. My white 1800s’-styled, 6-inch heel added to my appearance as well with a lace up the front. The only thing about me that could have given me away was my name tag reading ‘Adeline’. Thankfully, you were too stupid.


I was wondering about the name tag! lol Love that last line. Really drove it home.

I don't think the exact size of the sleeves is needed. That's a little overdoing it. "Short" or "Long" would suffice. Readers don't usually care about the exact size, or style for that matter, of the clothes or items as it gets tedious to read. We just need a basic idea of what it looks like. People who have gone to a spa will know what your talking about. People who haven't can fill in the blanks with their imagination (which is never a bad thing!).

Quote:
As you walked up to the desk, a bright smile spread over my glossy, pink lips as I said, “Welcome to Escape on Main. What can I do for you today, M… Sir?” I caught myself as I began to say your name. I didn’t want you to know it was me. That’s when it occurred to me: I could finally get my revenge on you. Humiliate you for what you did to me.


Ohh, here we go! (Nice suspense)

Quote:
I glanced down at the little black schedule book lying open in front of me on the desk before exclaiming, “It says here that you are our 1,000th customer! Congratulations! You have won a full-day, top-quality make-over on the house. My name is Addie and I will be taking care of you today.”


First spelling mistake I've caught so far. You're doing a good job.

Quote:
I winced when my name slipped out of habit. I could feel my nerves growing hot when I saw the expression of puzzlement on your face. To remedy my potential mistake, I quickly stepped out from behind the counter and placed my hand on your shoulder and guided you back to the spa treatment room. “Come with me, please.


I love how you give an idea about the ex without actually having him doing anything. I like it as it doesn't force me to be a person I'm not, like some of the other ones. I feel much more akin to Addie. (If that makes sense?) Eh, I'm not explaining this very well, sorry, but it's awesome.

Quote:
“Today, I am going to make you into a whole new person. You will catch the eye of women everywhere, turn heads,” I continued to explain as I schemed up a delectable plan that would destroy you forever. The transformation of a lifetime.


I found it kind of odd how you ended that sentence in the dialogue. Perhaps consider rewording it?

You're really building it up as to what she's going to do to this poor guy. I hope you live up to the expectations. ^.^

Quote:
I led you to a very comfortable chair in a separate room, locking the door behind us quietly enough so you wouldn’t hear it click. All the necessary products and tools were already in the room, ready to be used. I had you strip of everything except your boxers, setting your clothing and miscellaneous items on the far counter, then I sat you down in the chair and lie back in a lounging position.


Bold: I feel like this could have been worded better. It's kind of awkward.


Quote:
“First, I am going to get you set up so that I can do waxing, manicure, pedicure, and massage,” I said as I grabbed a bottle of the salon’s best exfoliating cream and began to put it onto your face and under your chin, leaning your head back then placing a cucumber slice on each eye. “The waxing may be uncomfortable at first but I will just need you to stay relaxed. I will let you know when to take a deep breath, alright?”


Didn't know that guys went for that stuff... huh.

(I'm not very feminine for a girl so I really don't know a lot about these things, whether it's pertaining to girls or boys. xD sweatdrop )

Quote:
I could see your body quickly relax, a long, drawn-out sigh exhaling from your chest as it slowly fell. A devious grin replaced my mock-smile as I looked about the room for what I was should use first. I rinsed off my hands of the exfoliating cream and found myself heating up the wax, listening to the soft mood music in the background. Once I was satisfied, I went back over to you and began to pour the wax over your legs. I saw you tense up from the heat. “Relax, Sir… Take slow, deep breaths and it will be over soon.”


Quote:
I placed one of the strips down on the wax and counted for you in a soothing tone. Once I saw you relax the best you could, I ripped of paper as fast as I could; only leaving a hairless patch of skin on your leg. “See? It wasn’t so bad,” I cooed with a grin. I noted that your hands gripped the arms of the chair tightly so I gently patted one of them and you relaxed once more. This was repeated over a dozen more times just on the legs. By the time 45 minutes was up, I had managed to wax your entire body except for the area beneath your boxers, including your eyebrows and any facial hair.


Bold1: You used "could" twice in once sentence. Consider rewording.

Bold2: This sentence seems a little bit of a run on for me... well, I just think it could have been worded better. I would either list the places you waxed or just stick with the whole body except under the boxers and scratch out the ending part. It'd be up to you, though.

Quote:
I then had you lie on your stomach on a massage table. I started out with a back cleansing treatment by massaging your back then used an exfoliating scrub and deep pore cleansing. Once finished with that, I began to work out the muscles all along your body with a honey body scrub seaweed cream. I knew this would make your skin silky and soft like that of a woman’s, working it deep into your body. I could smell the honey, almonds, and buttermilk aroma coming from his body. I noticed that you were falling on the table from the luxurious massage so I woke you enough to move you back to the chair where you could fall asleep once more as I moved onto the next stage of my plan, but not before I washed off the facial cream and replaced the cucumber.


"then" is another word that is really easy to overuse. It can get annoyingly repetitive after only a couple uses so try not to use it unless you absolutely have to.

You also got a bit repetitive with "I" again and you could probably reword some of the sentences to make it run shorter or, at least, smoother. I know it can be difficult when describing a process like this. Try reading it out loud to yourself to check how it sounds. This really helps me with correcting my sentence structure, so I highly recommend it.

Quote:
As soon as I was confident you had fully gone to sleep, I brought out the manicure and pedicure set. French tips, I thought. French tips and nail art will do the trick. Then I will give you a whole new hairstyle and make-up…


If you're going to do it anyway, best not to spoil the surprise by telling the reader what you're going to do before you do it. What I mean is, you told us that she was going to give him a new hairstyle and make up but you should really wait to show us that when she's actually doing it.

Quote:
I found a stool and set it up beside your chair as you slept and began to work away at your hands and feet, styling them into French tips with a beautiful, red flower design on each one then applying a cover that would make the design and polish durable and lasting. I looked over my handiwork one more time then moved on to my next task so that they could dry. I carefully removed the cucumbers and threw them away, bringing over a make-up kit.


Hm, I notice that you've been kind of changing between past and present tense in some of your sentences. I haven't fixed any of that since you should be the one to decide how to fix it, but it's there and I highly suggest you do it. It's okay if she's thinking in past-tense when it comes to how things used to be, but when she's doing the actions you should stick to either present or past. Consistency is important with things like that.

Quote:
I must not wake him so I will do light make-up and add fake eyelashes, I decided. I applied a light layer of foundation over your face, long-lasting pale lipstick, and eye-popping, eyeliner to your eyes. I then took special care to not wake you as I glued the fake eyelashes to your eyelids.


Wow, she's good if she didn't wake him with that... or he's just a heavy sleeper.

Quote:
“Time for the fun part,” I said in a mischievous purr. I moved behind you and washed and rinsed your hair. I then mixed up a light colored dye before painting it into your dark hair and wrapping it in foil to sit for a while. It took a long time to cover your entire head with the dye and foil and even longer to dry as you slumbered. After several times of checking and much impatience to put the finishing touches to my scheme, your hair was finally dry enough to work with.


Bold: I really think you should change it to "checking several times" as it seems kind of awkward written like the way you did. Come to think of it, In face, the whole sentences seems to kind of derail a bit. You should really consider revising it.

Quote:
“Snip, snip,” I chuckled as I opened and closed a pair of scissors then assaulted your now bleach blonde hair, trimming it down, and styling it into a cute bob-cut. I then gelled it close to your head to the way women in the fifties had done it.


lol, I like how you did this paragraph. The first sentence and dialogue was good.

Quote:
Taking a step back, my work was finally through. The end result was better than I could have ever expected. If it weren’t for the boxers and lack of breasts, I might have mistaken you for just any other woman that came into Escape to Main. A satisfied smirk curled from cheek to cheek as I cleaned up everything and put it back to the way it was before. I had to do one more thing before I felt like I truly had justice.

I wrote on a small card, folded it in half, and placed it on your chest gently. I then placed a small kiss on your forehead, leaving a small, glossy kiss-print, and turned away, leaving you asleep on the chair. Justice was served.

“You shouldn’t have cheated…”


I really loved the second to last line. I felt that the last line after it had killed it a bit, though. I understand because of the note, but still. I think maybe you could have made it a little better. Like, "Love, Adeline Moore" or something sarcastic like that; something short and clever, with an underlining meaning, but that would make it obvious to the boyfriend. Maybe you can even try looking up a quote similar to the situation. "A woman scorned is.." something... I think there was a quote like that somewhere but I forget. I may try looking it up when I have a chance.

You also used the word "Justice" only a couple sentences before the "Justice was served" line which kind of dimmed down the effect. I would suggest replacing it with

For a second person piece, I thought you did a great job! I like how you didn't give an actual part to the character playing the "You" so that I didn't feel forced into a side that I didn't want. Addie felt very relatable as I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't have at least thought about doing the same thing in her position. I found it very amusing.

At a couple places, you did tend to get a little repetitive. Especially with the word "Then" and beginning sentences with "I", but those are easily fixed. Some of the sentences were a little bit awkward but it's understandable. I highly suggest reading your work out loud to yourself when editing if you don't already. It really helps catch all kinds of little mistakes.

And, I think that's it! Great job! I have no doubt that you made it in the role play you spoke off. I don't usually read stuff like this, as I much prefer third or first person fantasy, but this was a nice change of pace. Keep writing and good luck on your future projects!
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Kairi Nightingale



Thank you so much for all of your input. I loved to read your feedback.

For the most part, I designed Addie so that everyone could relate to her and add their own name to the ex if they wanted, no matter who they might be. While writing this, I almost felt as if I was getting my own revenge on the jerks who had cheated on me in the past, if you know what I mean.

I know I did a lot of back and forth with past vs. present unintentionally. It's not easy to stay on task with that since I have never written second-person narrative before. Also, I wasn't entirely sure how to not put 'I' in there as many times as I had. Second-person is honestly the hardest narrative style I have ever done.

I was almost trying to make it seem like she was telling a story to him; retelling a fond memory.

At the very end when she had written the note, it was almost supposed to be anonymous. Almost as if it were to speak for itself who it was from. Even if he was 'too stupid'.

But, again, thank you so much!
Pai-Pai the Awesome
Kairi Nightingale



Thank you so much for all of your input. I loved to read your feedback.

For the most part, I designed Addie so that everyone could relate to her and add their own name to the ex if they wanted, no matter who they might be. While writing this, I almost felt as if I was getting my own revenge on the jerks who had cheated on me in the past, if you know what I mean.

I know I did a lot of back and forth with past vs. present unintentionally. It's not easy to stay on task with that since I have never written second-person narrative before. Also, I wasn't entirely sure how to not put 'I' in there as many times as I had. Second-person is honestly the hardest narrative style I have ever done.

I was almost trying to make it seem like she was telling a story to him; retelling a fond memory.

At the very end when she had written the note, it was almost supposed to be anonymous. Almost as if it were to speak for itself who it was from. Even if he was 'too stupid'.

But, again, thank you so much!


You're welcome! ^.^

I thought you did a great job for your first try. ^.^ Keep at it!

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