"A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery." -- James Joyce
You're trying too hard to be poetic. There are simply too many run-on and backward sentences that make what's actually happening hard to follow. Also, the imaginary traveler was a bit too much. Simply describing the creature as it was without the imaginary person would be more than good enough, especially considering that all us readers are ordinary humans. You don't need the traveler to emphasize what we see and tell us what to wonder. The narrator's job is to tell us what's there, and the reader's job is to wonder what it is and try to make sense of it. Do not do our job for us! Trust me, it's why we read it in the first place. wink
All in all it has potential. Keep it up.
(Side note: Don't chat-speak us to death on the writer's forum! Especially when you're asking for help with your story. It scares most the veteran writers away and annoys the heck out of the other people who are too curious to stop themselves from clicking the thread. Also makes it difficult to believe that you were the one to write the piece of work when it's written decently. Beyond that, chat-speak is bloody hard for me to read... I could barely make out what you were saying. sweatdrop You don't have to use perfect grammar but at least spell the words out correctly. Please and thank you. smile )
Edit: Also, adding a description to the entry might help get more readers. Just an idea.