Critisize my Writing!

[televannah]

I appreciate truthful, judgemental opinions.

Christmas Morning

The little rabbits frolicked about the green field, and sung joyful little Christmas Carol’s.

“RONALD BILLIUS WEASLEY! WAKE UP! IT’S CHRISTMAS!”

Ron flew off his bed and landed directly on his bum. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. He quickly pulled the blankets over him.

“Ginny! GET OUT!” he shouted at her.

“Okay, I’ll go wake up Harry!” shouted Hermione’s lovely voice.

Ron smiled under the covers. Hermione had a nice voice. She had a nice face too. And nice skin, he supposed.

‘Snap out of it Ron,’ he told himself.

He stood up and began to dress. He threw on some blue jeans, a gray long-sleeved shirt, and a knitted sweater with the letter ‘R’ sewed in on the front. Ron dreaded this sweater, but he was required to wear it on Christmas. He put on some socks and old sneakers, and walked down 4 flights of spiraling stairs until he reached the kitchen. Immediately, scents of Mrs. Weasley’s delicious cinnamon bread filled the air. Mrs. Weasley finished frying some bacon, and turned around to see Ron.

“Goodmorning, Pumpkin! And Happy Christmas!” she smiled down at his sweater, happy to see him wearing it.

“Happy Christmas, Mum,” Ron replied, giving a little smile.

He walked into the dining hall and looked around at the happy faces chatting around the table. The Lovegoods sat on one end, as well as Bill Weasley, Charlie Weasley, and Fleur Delacore. Fred and George sat next to Hermione, Harry, Ginny, Neville, and Hagrid. Mad-Eye Moody sat next to Tonks, Lupin, Kingsley, and all the other members of the Order of the Phoenix. Mr. Weasley sat at the other end of the table, and was joined by Mrs. Weasley and her cinnamon bread. There was food covering every inch of the cherry wood surface: turkey, cookies, cake, pie, eggs, bacon, sausage, and fruits! A little Santa Clause ornament zoomed around the room on a sled with his reindeer, and came an inch before Ron’s nose. Ron smiled when he saw Hermione laughing with Ginny. She was so beautiful. There was an open chair next to Hermione, and Ron joined them.

“Happy Christmas, Hermione,” Ron said, smiling at her.

“Happy Christmas, Ron,” she replied.

Her hair was different. She had straightened it with her wand. She had a bit of blush and lipstick on, and it suited her quite well. Hermione cut Ron some turkey and plopped it on his plate. She was sure to put 2 cookies on his plate, instead of one. Ron laughed,

“Thanks, Hermione.”

And that's all I wrote so far, so judge me!

[vannahmichele]

I know that that was the idea to write in the colors of x-mas, but it's kind of bright and was hurting my eyes, be keep it black the chance
when you get the chance
XOXO

[Kairi Nightingale]

Paragraph breaks will help a lot. It's hard to keep my attention on a block of text so I only read the first couple lines.

To start, whenever a new person speaks, change paragraphs.

ex:

"Hi," said Ryan.

"Hello," said Rachel. "Now, I'm speaking."

"And now I am speaking again," said Ryan. "And I'll continue speaking until the next paragraph break."

"This way, you don't need to always use dialogue tags when only two people are speaking. The reader will know that if there are only two people having a conversation, they will automatically understand that the other speaker is now talking after a paragraph break."

"That's how a reader would know that Rachel was the one speaking in the above paragraph," said Ryan, nodding in agreement.

Paragraph breaks also are used when the topic is changed, although that is more dependent on personal style.

Quote me if you fix the paragraphs and I'll read the rest and tell you what I think.

Also, adding on to what the above poster said, remember that while colored font looks nice, it is insanely distracting. Whenever you post you're work for others, always post it in black. We're suppose to care about the writing more than how pretty the font looks so focus on making the writing good and in a readable format. With that said, I'm extremely glad you changed it without making a fuss like other writers I've seen. Thanks a lot. ^.^

[televannah]

Kairi Nightingale

Paragraph breaks will help a lot. It's hard to keep my attention on a block of text so I only read the first couple lines.

To start, whenever a new person speaks, change paragraphs.

ex:

"Hi," said Ryan.

"Hello," said Rachel. "Now, I'm speaking."

"And now I am speaking again," said Ryan. "And I'll continue speaking until the next paragraph break."

"This way, you don't need to always use dialogue tags when only two people are speaking. The reader will know that if there are only two people having a conversation, they will automatically understand that the other speaker is now talking after a paragraph break."

"That's how a reader would know that Rachel was the one speaking in the above paragraph," said Ryan, nodding in agreement.

Paragraph breaks also are used when the topic is changed, although that is more dependent on personal style.

Quote me if you fix the paragraphs and I'll read the rest and tell you what I think.

Also, adding on to what the above poster said, remember that while colored font looks nice, it is insanely distracting. Whenever you post you're work for others, always post it in black. We're suppose to care about the writing more than how pretty the font looks so focus on making the writing good and in a readable format. With that said, I'm extremely glad you changed it without making a fuss like other writers I've seen. Thanks a lot. ^.^

I fixed it, you should read it now. (:

[Kairi Nightingale]

Thank you for fixing it. That's much better. ^.^

It's cute so far. I'm assuming they are still relatively young in this fanfic cause of the style, but I'm not sure if that's just how you write.

A couple of little nitpicks:

- You should write out your numbers unless it's a big number. (ex: two instead of 2.) It looks more professional. smile

- The seating arrangements were a little confusing. No one can sit next to more than two people at a time, so maybe you should try saying 'with' but even then it's a bit unusual. Also, there are a lot of people in here, so maybe it'd be better if you used multiple tables and if they were outside? It'd make more sense since then they'd have much more room to move around in.

- The first time Hermione speaks, it sounds like she's answering Ron's last sentence when it seems to me she would be talking to Ginny or someone else. I would suggest getting rid of the 'Okay' and making it clear who she's addressing.

- The very first line is highly irrelevant. I would get rid of it and just start it off with Ginny yelling.

I like the description of when Ron first enters the kitchen. The sweater was a good detail too. The whole passage hit me as cute. ^.^ Pretty good for a first start. Keep it up!

[letsgo1010]

Ron flew off his bed and landed directly on his bum. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. He quickly pulled the blankets over him.
-Seems short and choppy, you could definitely shorten it up. Also, add in some more details. I'm a bit confused with how he can fly off the bed, landing on his bum, and then pulled the blanket over him. You could add it was a wood floor, making it even colder without a shirt, and there fore he grabbed the blanket off the bed...an onto the floor...a bit confused by this wording.

“Ginny! GET OUT!” he shouted at her.
-A mature way of writing is to avoid all capital letters, but describe it in another way.
e.x. "Ginny, get out!" Ron demanded, obviously irritated.


He stood up and began to dress. He threw on some blue jeans, a gray long-sleeved shirt, and a knitted sweater with the letter ‘R’ sewed in on the front. Ron dreaded this sweater, but he was required to wear it on Christmas. He put on some socks and old sneakers, and walked down 4 flights of spiraling stairs until he reached the kitchen. Immediately, scents of Mrs. Weasley’s delicious cinnamon bread filled the air. Mrs. Weasley finished frying some bacon, and turned around to see Ron.
-That was quite the usage of the word "he".
e.x. Ron stood up and began to dress, putting on his raggedy blue jeans, and the traditional knitted sweater with the letter "R" accompanied with a gray shirt underneath. Fresh but cold socks were doubled as his muggle sneakers (would the wizarding world of Harry Potter really call them sneakers?) lead him down four flights of stairs. Once the last step was reached, immediately the smell of cinnamon bread enchanted the air, the blame for this delicious pleasure leading to Mrs. Weasley. Mr. Weasley on the other hand had the bold smell of bacon, and even with the snapping sounds filling the kitchen with noise, Ron's footsteps were still audible as both parents turned around with a joyful smile.

“Good morning, Pumpkin! And Happy Christmas!” she smiled down at his sweater, happy to see him wearing it.
-Again, you don't need to refer to Ron twice. HIS sweater. Happy to see HIM wearing it. Try to limit references to every other sentence.

He walked into the dining hall and looked around at the happy faces chatting around the table. The Lovegoods sat on one end, as well as Bill Weasley, Charlie Weasley, and Fleur Delacore. Fred and George sat next to Hermione, Harry, Ginny, Neville, and Hagrid. Mad-Eye Moody sat next to Tonks, Lupin, Kingsley, and all the other members of the Order of the Phoenix. Mr. Weasley sat at the other end of the table, and was joined by Mrs. Weasley and her cinnamon bread. There was food covering every inch of the cherry wood surface: turkey, cookies, cake, pie, eggs, bacon, sausage, and fruits! A little Santa Clause ornament zoomed around the room on a sled with his reindeer, and came an inch before Ron’s nose. Ron smiled when he saw Hermione laughing with Ginny. She was so beautiful. There was an open chair next to Hermione, and Ron joined them.
-Paint us a picture. Try to avoid throwing out names left and right. Tell us who's at the head of the table, who is making eye contact with who, the connection between everyone and the overall atmosphere of so many people in one place.

[televannah]

Kairi Nightingale

Thank you for fixing it. That's much better. ^.^

It's cute so far. I'm assuming they are still relatively young in this fanfic cause of the style, but I'm not sure if that's just how you write.

A couple of little nitpicks:

- You should write out your numbers unless it's a big number. (ex: two instead of 2.) It looks more professional. smile

- The seating arrangements were a little confusing. No one can sit next to more than two people at a time, so maybe you should try saying 'with' but even then it's a bit unusual. Also, there are a lot of people in here, so maybe it'd be better if you used multiple tables and if they were outside? It'd make more sense since then they'd have much more room to move around in.

- The first time Hermione speaks, it sounds like she's answering Ron's last sentence when it seems to me she would be talking to Ginny or someone else. I would suggest getting rid of the 'Okay' and making it clear who she's addressing.

- The very first line is highly irrelevant. I would get rid of it and just start it off with Ginny yelling.

I like the description of when Ron first enters the kitchen. The sweater was a good detail too. The whole passage hit me as cute. ^.^ Pretty good for a first start. Keep it up!

Thank you so much!! I appreciate the feedback!

[Jeromy3]

Christmas Morning

The little rabbits frolicked about the green field, and sung joyful little Christmas Carol’s. ...This is too cheesy, too slushy to be included. Rabbits never sing, unless they are animated things in a shopping centre. Come on! It's also a reference to OUTSIDE with no clear intro to the life inside the house. What's the house like, sounds, smells, etc. Suggest you re-think and redraft this bit.

“RONALD BILLIUS WEASLEY! WAKE UP! IT’S CHRISTMAS!”

Ron flew off his bed and landed directly on his bum on the floor (leave out 'bum') He wasn’t wearing a shirt He and quickly pulled the blankets over him.

“Ginny! GET OUT!” he shouted at her. (why was she there; no mention of someone coming in the door!)

“Okay, I’ll go wake up Harry!” shouted Hermione’s lovely voice. Who? (why the change of names-not clear here.)

Ron smiled under the covers. Hermione had a nice voice. She had a nice face too. And nice skin, he supposed. (Now, if this a young man, would he actually think this? I think about her 'skin'? Boys/men are not judges of 'skin'.)

‘Snap out of it Ron,’ he told himself.

He stood up and began to dress. (Delete this last phrase, it interferes with the pace of the story.) He threw on some blue jeans, a gray long-sleeved shirt, and a knitted sweater with the letter ‘R’ sewed in on the front. Ron dreaded this sweater, but he was required to wear it on Christmas. (Why???) He put on some socks and old sneakers, and walked down four flights of spiraling (spelling) stairs until he reached the kitchen. Immediately, scents of Mrs. Weasley’s (Who? Who is she to Ron?)delicious cinnamon bread filled the air. Mrs. Weasley finished frying some bacon, and turned around to see Ron.

“Good morning, Pumpkin! And Happy Christmas!” she smiled down at his sweater, happy to see him wearing it. (delete the last 6 words – it’s repeating the idea)

“Happy Christmas, Mum,” Ron replied, giving a little smile. (smile repeats smiled in last sentence. Explain it in a different way, grinned, smirked, or leave it out)

He walked into the dining hall and looked around at the happy faces chatting around the table. The Lovegoods sat on one end, as well as Bill Weasley, Charlie Weasley, and Fleur Delacore. Fred and George sat next to Hermione, Harry, Ginny, Neville, and Hagrid. Mad-Eye Moody (um, why this name??) sat next to Tonks, Lupin, Kingsley, and all the other members of the Order of the Phoenix. (the Order of What??? Why this?) Mr. Weasley sat at the other end of the table, and was joined by Mrs. Weasley and her cinnamon bread. There was food covering every inch of the cherry wood surface: turkey, cookies, cake, pie, eggs, bacon, sausage, and fruits! A little Santa Clause ornament zoomed around the room on a sled with his reindeer, and came an inch before Ron’s nose. Ron smiled (again??)when he saw Hermione laughing with Ginny. She was so beautiful. There was an open chair next to Hermione, and Ron joined them.

“Happy Christmas, Hermione,” Ron said, smiling at her. (he’s smiling AGAIN??)

“Happy Christmas, Ron,” she replied.

Her hair was different. She had straightened it with her wand. She had a bit of blush and lipstick on, (These are details which should be ‘shown to told’) and it suited her quite well. (In whose opinion? It’s not something Ron might notice! The narrator needs to be more objective!) Hermione cut Ron some turkey and plopped it on his plate. She was sure to put made sure she put two cookies(i would have thought that came later with dessert.) on his plate, instead of one. Ron laughed,

“Thanks, Hermione.” what happens next???

[Kairi Nightingale]

SpiralGalaxies

Thank you so much!! I appreciate the feedback!

No problem. Glad I could help. ^.^

[sailor kiten]

I think the first paragraph could really benefit from fleshing out the situation more. Like when he's fallen of the bed, but pulls the covers over him anyway, maybe throw in a few words about how he got it from the bed so it's easier to imagine?

I think the description of Hermione is easily the best part, that's lovely.

Also I have a few minor grammar related comments, so let me know if you want those as well!

[televannah]

sailor kiten

I think the first paragraph could really benefit from fleshing out the situation more. Like when he's fallen of the bed, but pulls the covers over him anyway, maybe throw in a few words about how he got it from the bed so it's easier to imagine?

I think the description of Hermione is easily the best part, that's lovely.

Also I have a few minor grammar related comments, so let me know if you want those as well!

I appreciate ALL feedback!

[D3M0N_69]

The thing I noticed is you have detail, but not relevant detail. You described his clothes more than the characters.... Give them defining traits, personalities or actions that make them more realistic smile
You got the basics, no add on smile
Good luck.