Welcome to Gaia! ::

DistortedxMoonlitxShadow's avatar

Dangerous Phantom

5,450 Points
  • Dressed Up 200
  • Cart Raider 100
  • Person of Interest 200
I am only doing this because I am curious to know the things I need to work on with my writing. I am not interested in rude comments and they will be deleted and not read, since they aren't worth my time. stare

Here it is, it's a very short story that I randomly came up with:

The sky was gray and dull. Snow rained from the sky heavily and violently. A young samurai had his back up against a tree trunk; his legs sprawled out on the ground which was covered fully with six feet of snow. A group of dead corpses in expensive clothing surrounded him, lying in a pool of their own blood. His dark hair swayed with the vigorous wind as his eyes focused on the corpse of his beautiful lover in his lap; a geisha. His eyes were filled with sorrow. His pale hand trembled as it brushed away a strand of raven hair from her tan face, which wore a peaceful expression; no sign of pain or agony was hinted in her face. He grazed her cheek with his thumb. Then it slowly traveled down to her lips, which were red from lipstick and had blood trickling from the side of it. He traced the shape of it, a few tears dropping onto her dark skin, just underneath her closed eyes. It trickled down, making it seem she was the one that shed them. He hugged her frail body to his chest, staining his clothes with her blood and crying onto her shoulder, her death replaying his head repeatedly.

He had just freed her from her imprisonment in the brothel house, but as they escaped together through the forest, they were cornered by a group; his boss and crew. The young samurai was supposed to kill the innocent geisha, but he refused and helped her escape instead. He had to watch her get cut down mercilessly, but as that happened, something inside him snapped and he blacked out to wake up to see his boss and his crew slaughtered. Their bodies were ripped to shreds from his sword, all of them decapitated. He was covered with their blood from head to foot.

The young samurai leaned down and kissed her lips one last time, before taking out his crimson stained sword. He laid his lover’s body against the soft cushioned snow in front of him and lifted up his sword high in the air, grasping onto the handle with both of his hands. He gave his lover one last glance, smiling weakly at her, before looking at the sky and closing his eyes tightly. Without hesitation, he rammed his sword through his stomach, screaming out in pain. He coughed up blood and pushed his sword deeper as far it was allowed to go inside him, spitting out more blood. He screamed out again, forcefully withdrawing his sword from his stomach and throwing it on the ground beside him. He stared off in the distance in front of him, his eyes getting blurry and hazy, before collapsing down top of his lover. His blood, along with hers tainted the purity of the snow as it flowed like river from their wound.
I'm not sure what you consider rude... but I just want to assure you that I only mean to help. You asked what I think you should work on, and I'm going to be honest cause I want to help.

Your writing is repetitive at times. It's particularly noticeable from the start when you mentioned 'sky' in two consecutive sentences. Try to change it up like, "snow fell from the clouds" instead of 'sky'. You should watch for that.

You also told everything to the reader instead of showing. You should leave some stuff open to interpretation. Like, you told us he was a samurai instead of describing his clothes or sword. You told us there was a geisha instead of describing her clothes, make-up, and hair. You told us everyone was dead instead of describing the scene. See where I'm going with this? Try to paint a picture with words instead of just telling the reader everything from the start. Let them interpret some things on their own. You know what I mean?

Your piece had a lot of potential to be interesting, you just need to work on the finer aspects I mentioned above. Once again, I hope you don't take any of this as rude as I would never try to discourage or hurt someone's feelings. I'm only trying to be honest and I'm trusting that you will see that. I really hope that you do continue writing and practicing and I wish you all the luck in the world.
DistortedxMoonlitxShadow's avatar

Dangerous Phantom

5,450 Points
  • Dressed Up 200
  • Cart Raider 100
  • Person of Interest 200
Kairi Nightingale
I'm not sure what you consider rude... but I just want to assure you that I only mean to help. You asked what I think you should work on, and I'm going to be honest cause I want to help.

Your writing is repetitive at times. It's particularly noticeable from the start when you mentioned 'sky' in two consecutive sentences. Try to change it up like, "snow fell from the clouds" instead of 'sky'. You should watch for that.

You also told everything to the reader instead of showing. You should leave some stuff open to interpretation. Like, you told us he was a samurai instead of describing his clothes or sword. You told us there was a geisha instead of describing her clothes, make-up, and hair. You told us everyone was dead instead of describing the scene. See where I'm going with this? Try to paint a picture with words instead of just telling the reader everything from the start. Let them interpret some things on their own. You know what I mean?

Your piece had a lot of potential to be interesting, you just need to work on the finer aspects I mentioned above. Once again, I hope you don't take any of this as rude as I would never try to discourage or hurt someone's feelings. I'm only trying to be honest and I'm trusting that you will see that. I really hope that you do continue writing and practicing and I wish you all the luck in the world.


Mhm, I see what you're talking about. I shall try that. Thank you. biggrin

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get Items
Get Gaia Cash
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games