Welcome to Gaia! ::

Redande's avatar

5,600 Points
  • Full closet 200
  • Citizen 200
  • Consumer 100
Please read over my story and if any can also think of name suggestions it would be appreciated. Also I know the story is not complete, but tell me what might need improvement

From horizon to horizon the sky is dark. Plasma-blue lightning leaps up to the sky from the slopes of the rugged, steep mountains. Smoky green clouds veil the sun. Nestled in the hollow of the stony crags is an alpine valley. Silvery birch-like trees shine with a ghostly light in the afterglow of lightning. Tumultuous, agitated dark silvery grey veined blue leaves quiver in the storm. All of a sudden you are startled to see a feline woman that blends so closely with the trees you almost miss her, springing from her back are translucent dragon-like wings. Vivid turquoise eyes stare up to the sky. A feral grin lights up her softly furred face. But what startles and drew your attention first is her flame like hair that literally glows with warmth. In a flash of blinding light she vanishes, after your vision clears, you see her dancing around and between the bolts drawing the energy into her wings. Above the crackle of lightning, the growl of thunder, the wail of the winds, you hear the primal scream of a puma on the hunt. A deadly weave thru the storm, she owns the sky. Mother, healer, priestess, protector of her home, she is Keira ---. Once again in the alpine valley we see another softly furred feline woman with a pelt like a snow leopard and eyes as blue as the lightning. Peníochene watches Keira gather energy for another ritual. Behind the other feline is the opening to an immense cavern. We follow Peníochene in and see many; bobcat, lynx, pumas, cave lions, jaguars, leopards, cheetahs, serval, caracal, and many other type. Peníochene walks upright thru the gathering to a small, isolated, left curving cave. Nestled together among a pile of fully leafed and bare branches, gnawed bones, feathers, and fur are many cubs. Peníochene is their caretaker. One svelte, graceful, medium-sized cub with colorless, hollow fur like a polar bear wriggles her way out of the sleeping pile of siblings and friends and tries to climb over the bramble like hedge around her. Narrowing her intense violet blue eyes she crouches to the sandy floor after being frustrated by the hedge and leaps for the air; and is caught by her caretaker. Peníochene says in a rather high-pitched trilling voice, “No, amalene, it is not time to meet your mother.” The cub narrows her eyes again and squeals, growls, and then shaking her head, coughs and suddenly a chiming, small, quiet, girly voice replies, “Yes, I am ready to meet my mother.” The caretaker’s eyes open wide and she drops amalene into the pouch across her chest. Then with one last check on the sleeping cubs, dashes out the cave. Outside the cave the storm still rages, but Peníochene is not worried, all the energy is contained. Flashing out her claws in a complicated rhythm that she knows Keira will see, she waits. Then remembers and looks in the pouch at the now enchanted cub. Peníochene whispers when she sees that amalene is about to call out, “No dear do not distract your mother.” At that moment Amalene’s mother goes into a spiraling dive toward the ground. Lightning funnels like a tornado into her wings. A flash of light and the storm vanishes. Keira’s wings glow with the power of the contained storm. She inclines her head to the caretaker and speaks to her daughter, “greetings Amalene, I am so proud of you gaining your voice, come to me.” Amalene leaps out of the pouch straight into her mother’s arms. Peníochene says, “Excuse me protector, I must return to the other cubs before they wake.” She bows her head then strolls briskly back to the lair. Keira and Amalene stay outside under the twin suns, watching the first one set. Then Keira speaks, “even though you are nearly a sentient you should have known better then to leave the nest and try to join me in the stormdance, you could have died.” Once again that chiming voice speaks “yes, mother.” “Ah, daughter, what a gift the goddess has given you,” Keira says. Amalene asks, “What gift, mother?” Keira replies, “One day you will have the ability to know the thoughts of others, you shall be a greater protector than I am.” “I bring light, life, energy to the tribes, but you will bring security, some will not like you for it, but what gifts you receive must be weighed with the responsibility you must have to use it wisely.” Amalene frowns in concentration, then a fun-loving grin splits her face and she looks up into her mother’s beautiful eyes and asks, “Can we go fly?” Keira sighs and replies “I would like that too, but I must complete this ritual, why do you think all the tribes have gathered.” Keira gently places her daughter on the ground and says “you may have a little fun by running back to the crèche on your own.”
Dignified, graceful, rather sensuous Keira returns to the cavern. All the felines know the storm has ended and she is returning all light goes dark as she enters. Keira calls out in a lilting, smoothly flowing, song-like voice “All matriarchs please form the circle under the crystals.” For on the roof of the cavern are quartz, amethyst, garnet, citrine, topaz, aventurine, blue topaz and tanzanite stalactites glimmering like stars in the sky. A cave lion female with a strawberry blonde pelt and reddish orange eyes comes first, she is ---, next comes an Eurasian lynx with a pale fawn pelt and citrine orange eyes, she is ---, after the lynx is Koira the white Siberian Tiger with topaz eyes, next is --- a jaguar with night seeing green eyes, Peníochene the caretaker with her bright blue eyes enters next, then rarely seen the matriarch of the cheetahs --- enters with her deep indigo eyes and last even though her eyes do not reflect her crystal Keira and her female line all have the clear pelt like a polar bear and she is the center. With all the crystal matriarchs gathered the ritual can begin for like the felines below the crystals above all have quartz clustered by the others. All the felines link one arm and point the other toward Keira and She, the light bringer and protector raises her arms to the roof and starts spinning widdershins to release the energy into the crystals and the cavern blazes with light.
Line 5- drew is in past tense, should be changed to present tense
Lines 6- should consider starting a new sentence at after
Line 7- thru should be through
Line 8- we?
Line 10- consider different wording at many;
Or, say something like many felines;
Line 10- type should be types
Line 12- colorless, hollow fur like a polar bear? consider different wording
Line 14- for the air; and is caught by her caretaker? use different wording, ; is used incorrectly. Also, cosider dividing that sentence into two sentences.
Line 15- in and squeals, growls, and then shaking? consider different wording
Line 27- others, you shall- should be divided into 2 sentnces at the comma
Line 30- have gathered.” - should end in ? instead of .
Line 32- she is returning all light goes dark as she enters- Needs to be more clear. Should probably be divided into another sentence.
Second paragraph- you need to start a new sentence after each of the matriarchs are introducing.
Second paragraph- Widdershins?????? (second to last line)
Second paragraph- redo most of the wording and sentences
Last sentence- change the and near the end to as.
In general- you lost your beginning subject. What I mean is that you started with you as the subject, then dropped it and switched to third person point of view. You should either figure out how to keep the story in second person (with you as the subject), or tell the whole story in third person point of view.

(Most of the numbers for the lines are hopefully accurate, yet some might not be.)
Each line of dialogue should become another paragraph when the speaker changes. Also, you have multiple run-on sentences that should be corrected. And, please divide your work into more pargraphs so that it is easier to read.

You do have an interesting idea, so please continue working and adding to your story.
Please divide your work into paragraphs with extra spaces between them.

Like this.

I'm sorry, but I'm having trouble reading this as it is...

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get Items
Get Gaia Cash
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games