Welcome to Gaia! ::

XxGet-Your-CrayonxX 's avatar

Bashful Werewolf

8,200 Points
  • Invisibility 100
  • Inquisitor 200
  • Millionaire 200
Hi there, I'm a role player, and I try my best to be literate. I have a thing stuck in my head that I am horrible at it. I would appreciate if you could read my longest post that I know of. It's a bit...bloody, so yeah. Uhm, also I know I used the term "fae" in the post and I know it is not a real word, but it's commonly used in wolf role plays for the meaning of female. Also, if you do critize it please don't just use like, one word or just a sentence, ex: 'It's okay.'


Melita had slept under the stars that night. She had found a nice comfy spot in between two pine trees and it had a rather pleasant view of the stars. Stargazing wasn't one of her favorite pass times but sometimes their twinkling soothed her into sleeping. At one time or another the moon had been right their hovering over her 'spot'. The white healer yawned and opened one eye. The sun was just rising. Her other eyelid slid open and she rolled over on to her back. Her legs were in the air and her paws dangled down. She decided only puppies took this position so rolled onto her stomach and pushed herself up onto all four legs. The sun had yet to set her orange eyes into a fiery red. Just as she took a step forward a howl was sounded. It may have been beautiful to others but to Melita a screech would have sounded better. The fae knew who it was and she wasn't very happy with him. At least Axel, was a bit careless and acted like a puppy. He would be easier to kill then her other brother, Ares. The healer could put up a fight and was rather good at it but she became a healer for one reason. Poison. She learned not only of the healing herbs but of the dangerous ones. If one of her brothers had ever fallen ill and chose her out of all the healers it would be her chance to slip a few poisonous plants down their throats. The two would never know it and would die for unknown reasons. Melita giggled maliciously. Life to her was much more fun when you were evil. A the smell of fire drifted towards her nose and her mind flashed back to her parents. She could have saved them. But the fae was to angry to do so. She held grudges for a long time. Her stomach rumbled and she sighed. A quick trip for a drink would fill her stomach up a little. Perhaps she would find a snack or two on the way.

Within several minutes Melita had found herself at the edge of the trees. The spot she was planning from drinking from was rather open. She took a cautious step and looked about. No dangers. But now a days, you couldn't trust anything, including your senses. She briskly walked down to the lake until her paws were in the water. She lowered her body and lapped a few tongue fulls up. The alpha's only daughter should have gone to her new alpha the moment he howled but she had no respect for the brute or his 'mate'. Her ear flicked as she heard a twig snap. Her head turned in that direction slowly and her eyes laid upon a hunter 'two-legged'. She smelt the air and smelled something unusual but something she could identify. The smell was similar to rotten fruit but it had something else in it that she couldn't recognize. The hunter had probably drank wine. She took a step back and the 'two-legged' couldn't keep his gun aimed directly at her. The healer growled but knew he was to far away to take on by herself. If she ran a bullet would hit her no matter which way she fled. The man shot and the sound made the fae fall to her side. He had missed by inches but many painful memories flooded her mind. The drunken man stumbled forward stupidly thinking she was dead. The healer's eyes clouded over as the man stood a few feet away. She missed her love and the man had brought the memories back. Melita snarled and the man looked confused. She jumped up and tackled the 'two-legged'. He had mistakenly left his gun where he thought he had killed her. Melita was no small fae and she easily toppled the man over. "Wrong wolf to mess with, buddy!" She snarled placing her paw on his throat. She pressed down hard closing the wind pipe.

Melita had taken her time torturing the man before killing him. Her muzzle and paws were glistening red with the blood of the human. She still stood over the body before letting out a glorious howl. In this time were prey turned upon predator anything was food, including humans. She had ate a few organs while the man was still alive but she would leave the rest to rot, or for another soul to eat it. It was time the sun was just right. She raised her head and her eyes started to glow. She loved when others were around and were frightened by the bloody colored red. The fae was proud of her kill and refused to clean the blood of her body.


Melita had trotted to the main den area her head held high. Everyone had seem to be gone she snorted. "Probably out hunting." She snarled a bit disappointed that no one could see her bloody body. She trotted to the healers den to find that all the herbs had been replenished. She sighed and sat down. She had a few scratches from the man but nothing she would waste herbs on. She sat down and eased herself into a lying position right outside the den. Her tail curled around to her side and she laid her head on her paws. "Not much to do when everyone is asleep and those who are awake are gone." She scoffed her eyes still the red color that she loved. She liked time alone but it got boring every once in a while. She licked her maw that was still matted with blood. The birds would have most likely pecked most of the meat out of the human carcass by now.
Nougami Tork's avatar

Hilarious Codger

It's not awful.
But it's like you don't know how to use a comma.
A lot of it should be rewritten so you can include this slight error in writing.
Also, you warned that it was bloody.
But you wrote it in a way that made me not really care. This was supposed to be an intense scene, and it honestly just felt very "Meh, cool?".

And naturally there are minor problems with the way you wrote some things.
Or rather, should I say worded them. But I feel that might just be a personal opinion, and not a real flaw in what you wrote.
XxGet-Your-CrayonxX 's avatar

Bashful Werewolf

8,200 Points
  • Invisibility 100
  • Inquisitor 200
  • Millionaire 200
Nougami Tork
It's not awful.
But it's like you don't know how to use a comma.
A lot of it should be rewritten so you can include this slight error in writing.
Also, you warned that it was bloody.
But you wrote it in a way that made me not really care. This was supposed to be an intense scene, and it honestly just felt very "Meh, cool?".

And naturally there are minor problems with the way you wrote some things.
Or rather, should I say worded them. But I feel that might just be a personal opinion, and not a real flaw in what you wrote.


I'm trying to get a bit better at commas', but I'm still not great at it...
I warned the bloody part because I know a lot of people who get very...weak at the stomach. I could defiantly make it a lot more detailed if I wanted to edit again, which I will sooner or later.

Thanks for your input ^.^
Can you put it in normal font with normal color please?

Sorry, but my eyes are sensitive and I'm having trouble reading it.

(Writers forum tip: It's actually more professional anyway. wink )

And is there anything specific that you want me to focus on that your having trouble with? Or do you just want me to critique everything in the entire post?
XxGet-Your-CrayonxX 's avatar

Bashful Werewolf

8,200 Points
  • Invisibility 100
  • Inquisitor 200
  • Millionaire 200
Kairi Nightingale
Can you put it in normal font with normal color please?

Sorry, but my eyes are sensitive and I'm having trouble reading it.

(Writers forum tip: It's actually more professional anyway. wink )

And is there anything specific that you want me to focus on that your having trouble with? Or do you just want me to critique everything in the entire post?


I edited it ^.^

Thanks, and nope, nothing in specific.
Thank you! That's much better to see. ^.^

Alright, so I'm going to try to do one section at a time if that's all right. I don't have time to do the whole thing tonight.

You seem to have the basics down right, which is good. You're ahead of the game. I did see a few errors and some things that could definitely use some work on, though. (But there's always something that need work on. So don't let anything I say put you down. Heck, I may sound like I know a lot but I'm still learning, too.)

First thing I noticed (and this is a very common problem with role players) are the paragraph breaks. While it is personal preference in some cases, there are rules and that first block of text could easily broken up into at least six paragraphs. So I'm going to do the quotes for the first section, breaking it apart like how I would do it, but I highly suggest you take time to look it over yourself.

Remember:
Narrative: every change in topic requires a new paragraph. Dialogue: Every change in speaker requires a new paragraph.

So, red are grammar issues, and bold is stuff I'm going to be discussing below each quoted paragraph.

Quote:
Melita had slept under the stars that night. She had found a nice comfy spot in between two pine trees and it had a rather pleasant view of the stars. Stargazing wasn't one of her favorite pastimes but sometimes their twinkling soothed her into sleep. At one time or another the moon had been right there hovering over her 'spot'.


Last sentence there gets dangerously close to just being filler. It seems kind of out of no where and doesn't have any importance to what happens before or after it. I suggest taking it out.

Quote:
The white healer yawned and opened one eye. The sun was just rising. Her other eyelid slid open and she rolled over on to her back. Her legs were in the air and her paws dangled down. She decided only puppies took this position so rolled onto her stomach and pushed herself up onto all four legs. The sun had yet to set her orange eyes into a fiery red. Just as she took a step forward, a howl was sounded. It may have been beautiful to others but to Melita, a screech would have sounded better.


Bold 1. This may be another term that's explained in the context of the role play but I have no idea what you mean by "white healer", especially when I thought the character was a wolf. I don't know, but it kind of came out of nowhere for me since I find that it's fascinating enough that she's a wolf. But, it is a role play so if it is apart of that, then by all means go ahead and keep it.

2. This sentence was very awkward and confusing. I couldn't tell if you were trying to stuff a description of Melita's eyes in there or were just personifying the sun, but I suggest you take it out. You have plenty of time to describe Melita's eyes later if that's the case. Otherwise, it's just kind of weird. Like your trying too hard.

Quote:
The fae knew who it was and she wasn't very happy with him. At least Axel (Don't need comma) was a bit careless and acted like a puppy. He would be easier to kill then her other brother, Ares. The healer could put up a fight and was rather good at it but she became a healer for one reason: poison. She learned not only of the healing herbs but of the dangerous ones. If one of her brothers had ever fallen ill and chose her, out of all the healers, it would be her chance to slip a few poisonous plants down their throats. The two would never know it and would die for unknown reasons.


I'm confused at this whole section right here. It just kind of went all over the place. First you were talking about what was happening right at that moment: Another wolf howled and she wasn't happy about it. That's something interesting!

Then you started talking about her brothers out of nowhere. I couldn't understand if one of them was the one howling or she was just thinking about them for some reason.

Then you started talking about how she became a healer to learn about poisons so she could kill those brothers. That's... nice but I really want to get back to who was howling and why she didn't like them. Unless it was one of the brothers, in which case, you should make that clear right now.

Don't worry about back story at this point. Who was howling? Why doesn't she like them? What happens next? That's what I really want to know. All that stuff about killing her brothers? That could easily be revealed at a more appropriate time. If it was one of the brothers, then you could fit a bit of it in, but you should focus on that one brother. Don't worry about the other one if he has no part in this. Just my advice, anyway.

Quote:
Melita giggled maliciously. Life to her was much more fun when you were evil. A the smell of fire drifted towards her nose and her mind flashed back to her parents. She could have saved them. But the fae was too angry to do so. She held grudges for a long time. Her stomach rumbled and she sighed. A quick trip for a drink would fill her stomach up a little. Perhaps she would find a snack or two on the way.


1. Personal preference, but I prefer to show when a character is evil through their actions instead of actually outright saying it like that. I find it has a better effect and I thought you could have done a good job starting with the malicious giggle. You don't have to take it out, but it's worth thinking about. However, thinking back to the malicious giggle, it did seem out of place. Wasn't she mad at the other howler? Unless, again, it is her brother and it's because she was thinking of hurting him that she was giggling. I think you could have done this a bit better.

2. Back story, back story, back story. And then she gets hungry and goes off to get a drink. I was expecting her to go confront the howler or something. Kind of let me down there with the whole malicious laugh and set up with the brothers and everything.


Something you should definitely think about is that you have plenty of time to get many of these details across. You don't have to stuff everything about your character in the first introduction, and this applies to both stories and role plays. You'll have time to get the information across. Or you might not.

If you are in one of those "Literate" role plays where they think advanced writing means more writing and you have to post a certain number of paragraphs, then by all means fill it with fluff. But I'd like to go on a little tangent here and say that advanced does NOT mean more. Advanced means GOOD writing. It shouldn't matter how long the post is. You could write the longest post in the world, it doesn't mean it's good. It could just be a bunch of crap about nothing.

So don't worry about having a long post, okay? Short posts are way better than a post full of fluff and nothing. (Not saying you did that as I haven't even read the rest of your post yet. I'm just giving you a heads up about it in case you didn't already know.)

Anyway, not too bad so far. I'll probably go back to this over the next couple days and finish the rest if your willing to wait, but it's up to you. I think most of the points I made here might apply to some of the things later so take a look and see what you can see.

In short:
-Paragraph breaks. I broke that one section into at least four paragraphs. It makes things easier and more enjoyable to read, even if it's the same content. (It's tricky that way. wink ) Much of it is personal preference but be sure to break when a big change in topic occurs. Like no action and then action. Inner thought for one character can go on the same line as their dialogue, though.

-Watch that fluff and info dumping. Unless it's important for the current situation, leave it out. You can always explain it later. And if doesn't come up, oh well. Guess it just never came to it. It's just a role play.

-Don't put lines in there just to sound cool or add more to the post. Half the time, it backfires and can detract from the real focus of the post like the actions and character. I've read some really long posts where I'd end up just skimming for the dialogue because I got bored of all the unimportant details. Be careful that doesn't end up to be you.

-Try to imply how your character is rather than outright tell us. I liked the malicious giggle but the "she loved being evil" line following it was dangerously close to an eye-roll for me.

All of this is just my opinion. All I ask is that you take it into consideration when looking over your work again. wink I hoped I helped a little bit and I'll try to do a bit more tomorrow.

Oh! Fun fact: Fae is a word, albeit not as widely used. It refers to fay or fairy creatures from myth, which made me kind of surprised to hear that role players have been using it to describe female wolves... Odd. Wonder where that came from...?
Yes, I agree with some of the other comments. It is, however, a little predictable. I read Jack London's WHITE FANG a lot of years back and that seems to understand the animal a lot more; suggest you read it anyway.

One common thing about some budding writers is the lack of punctuation, or a lack of understanding about how to use it. Commas are not just plonked in a place so you can take a breath. Think about it this way. A sentence is a complete phrase, a subject, verb and object. For example, 'The boy goes to the shop.' It's complete, 'boy' the subject, 'goes' is the verb (doing word) and 'shop' is the object; it's a 'main clause' and can stand alone.

We can vary that now, with the aid of 'subordinate clauses' which cannot stand alone. These are examples; 'However, the boy goes to the shop.' 'Without looking out for traffic, the boy goes to the shop.' 'Putting on his coat, the boy goes to the shop.' 'Ensuring he has some money, the boy goes to the shop, but never reaches it.' (da-da-da dah!)

Another approach which is often overlooked is tension and how to deal with it. Longer sentences simply flo-o-ow, look easy on the eye (provided they are not too complex!) and, by implication, they show a leisurely pace. Short sentences show tension! Something is about to happen! Look out! Pow! Get it? So chop some sentences where the story leads up to something dramatic, make two or three where one existed before.

I've been writing since my teens and it wasn't until I was a mature uni student I realised the benefits of being patient with my writing. Write a piece, save it, then go back to it after a short time(if you can!). Then, copy and paste ABOVE the original text and make a second draft by editing, cutting, slashing (be merciless!)repositioning, adding, rewording and sorting out paragraphs. Then save and leave it again, revisiting the document at a time later, repeating the process so you've got another draft. I had a 3,000 word assignment to write at the end of a term and I did nine drafts until I was satisfied with the result! I learnt to craft my work, to make it more professional.

Keep on keepin' on!
XxGet-Your-CrayonxX 's avatar

Bashful Werewolf

8,200 Points
  • Invisibility 100
  • Inquisitor 200
  • Millionaire 200
Kairi Nightingale


First off, I'm sorry! I had to go to bed, and then I forgot to reply when I got up so I just now remembered ^^;;

Paragraphs and commas always seem to go wrong with me, but I'm working on it! I usually try and avoid 'fluff' but, first posts usually are full of them, from me that is...Oh and the 'white healer' thing is, that in the role play wolves have specific rankings and healers are just kind of the...nurses, using natural healing herbs.

I understand all of what you've said, and it's really helpful heart Thank you, bunches 3nodding

About the word fae, I have no idea who came up with using it. Ever since I started role playing dog and wolf role plays I saw people using it, it just kind of...stuck, I even asked the people who I saw using it who came up with it, but they didn't know just kinda...went with the flow, lol.
XxGet-Your-CrayonxX 's avatar

Bashful Werewolf

8,200 Points
  • Invisibility 100
  • Inquisitor 200
  • Millionaire 200
Jeromy3


I read that book long time ago, forgot most of it by now, should probably read it again.

You defiantly explained things well, making it easier for me to comprehend it. I'll try my best to start proof reading/doing drafts, which I really need to start doing again. Anyways, thanks a lot heart heart
MaeFire's avatar

Savage Tactician

8,850 Points
  • 20 Wins 100
  • Treasure Hunter 100
  • Loiterer 100
hmm.. Note me and I'll work on bettering your writing ^_^
Well, I'm not sure about the writing since I'm not much of a critique but I CAN help you with the more..... bloody/gory/creepy scenes if you like. It seems that some people get creeped out by mine. Of course, we're young and pretty much the same age. Still, I hope you'll consider it.

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get Items
Get Gaia Cash
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games