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http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=100045993

Could I get some real critiques on this story that are actually analytical and break down every portion of the story? Because I really want brutal comments that help me. So far all I've gotten are ratings, but I want actual responses. Thank you. I know it's long, but please oh please take the time to read it.
Point of View
For some odd reason, I couldn't concentrate on your story.
It seemed like many different things were happening, and it was very hard to take it in.
You're switching point of views between 1st person and 3rd person. Try and keep steady on just one. It will be less confusing.


Tenses
And also, you're switching from past tense to present tense. Like I said earlier, keep steady on just one. Properly, you can't do that, only unless it is intentional.


Punctuation
Some punctuation seems to be a bit off. Place commas, periods, semi colons, etc. properly, please. And no excessive punctuation. If you can write a sentence with five commas, but can write it again still making sense without those five commas, then I suggest you just keep them out.


Paragraphs
You're paragraphs are cut off at odd times. Remember that within each paragraph it speaks about that same subject. You keep it on the same paragraph until a new subject is arisen.


Dialog
With the way you placed sentences and paragraphs, dialog has become confusing. Note that when another person is talking, it's time to take it to the next line. You also want to make sure to make it obvious enough for the reader to know who is speaking at the moment.


Your Style
I see that your style in this composition is intentionally very laid back. The character speaks as if they are speaking to someone directly. Or introducing. Your diction is definitely not that bad, and I admire the humor you put in your writing. I just suggest maybe to look over it more constructively and when you see anything that may look a bit off, change it.


I hope that helped smile Good luck in your writing!

-Kim

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