Really. Rip it apart. Tell me where my grammar went wrong, tell me where things don't make sense, and tell me if it's the worst thing you've ever read (just don't lie and say it is if it isn't). In short, be horribly brutally honest. I like it, because it gives me the opportunity to have a better piece of writing.
And really. If something doesn't make sense, tell me. It is from a novel, yes, but it's meant to be a stand-alone scene. I wrote it primarily because I can't go into that much detail with it in the story, as Jeffrey is far from lucid at that point. However, this scene (imagined, though yet unwritten) was the inspiration for the entire story, so I wanted to write it, whether or not it had a place in the novel.
I think it's great for how small of an excerpt it was. Obviously I'll have to read more of your novel to understand FULLY what's happening, but from what you included, I got the basic idea. I think it was wonderful; great description and use of similes! I really enjoyed it.
ugh.... I don't know where to really begin.... I'll list stuff, but this isn't in order or necessity, more like, 'as it comes to me' :
1. Read your sentences outloud. If you actually don't realise what's wrong here, read them out monotone (that is, with only one inclination of tone in your voice- flat and boring) which should reveal the problem. I'm serious, sit down and verbally speak what you've written, if it doesn't make sense, you should start to understand what went horribly, horribly wrong with your grammar.
2. Death fics are so overdone my teeth caramelize every time one pops up. They were 'different' and 'original' in the 90's when the real goths were graduating high-school, not now, no longer- ugh, it makes me want to scream. They smack of typical teenage angst and don't really serve much point of... uhh... caring or sympathy for the characters any more because hey- they're dead and wangsting. Dead+wangst="why do we want to read this total formula again?"
3. ;_; """Images of the broken white body, twisted into unthinkable positions.""" I cannot begin to scream this at the top of my lungs, loudly or high enough- SHOW! DON'T TELL.
4. Suicide fics. Refer to the pain of point 2.
5. Romeo and Juliet style romance (also known as the 'hopeless lovers/love'). Funnily enough, has been done (TO DEATH!). Romeo and Juliet itself was a rip-off of an old celtic story called Tristan and Isolde (sp) which due to RJ's popularity never got much press, but was recently turned into a movie if you aren't one for books. But my point is as follows- overused, overdone, not very original as an idea. 'Your own spin' does not count for much if the wangst is so thick I'm choking on it- which I notice I am.
6. An entire story about wangsting. Dear God, the worst thing is I know people who will read and enjoy such regurgitated material.
7. Work a little more on your imagery perhaps, you go fuzzy in a lot of areas that require more detail or clarification- remember a clear picture or a picture we can see is better than flowery words that you think make you look smart.
>.<;;;;; hope that helps give you a direction at the very least.