It's here
Really. Rip it apart. Tell me where my grammar went wrong, tell me where things don't make sense, and tell me if it's the worst thing you've ever read (just don't lie and say it is if it isn't). In short, be horribly brutally honest. I like it, because it gives
me the opportunity to have a better piece of writing.
And really. If something doesn't make sense, tell me. It is from a novel, yes, but it's meant to be a stand-alone scene. I wrote it primarily because I can't go into that much detail with it in the story, as Jeffrey is far from lucid at that point. However, this scene (imagined, though yet unwritten) was the inspiration for the entire story, so I wanted to write it, whether or not it had a place in the novel.