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Any tips if I am going to publish a book? Just qoute me! (Reward is a free avi art! And I do avi art, but on my shop, you pay. FREEBIE REWARD!)
Ok here is my story so far:

Katies life

By:Savannah Best
________________________________________
Chapter One: New girl
It was allways hard, living on the farm. But mama took care of everything. She milked the cows, she grew a garden, and she even grew some wheat in that garden. But suddenly, life changed. My papa found a new job and we all had to move to California. It was sad leaving the farm.. But I knew, life would be better soon. TWO WEEKS LATER... Now and days, papa works at a fire-fighter station and mama works as a teacher. I will be going to the school that mama teaches at. It's called: Twinbrook High. I just turned 16 and I was homeschooled. I finished middle-school just weeks before I moved here. I just finished buying my school stuff. Today was the first day of school. I quickly grabbed my bag and took a poptart with me to school. As I was walking to school, a guy walked by me. "Hey." He quickly exlaimed. "Well Hello. I'm Katie. Do you go to Twinbrook High?" I answerd the nice boy. He replied, "Hi Katie. I'm Drake. And I do go to Twinbrook High, are you new here?" "Yes, I am. Could you walk to school with me I.." "Sure. No problem!" Drake replied. As the two of them walked to class Katie's mom, Ally got a phone call...
Chapter 2: Adoption WHAT?!?!?!?!
ring ring...ring ring.. ring__ "Hello?" Ally said as she picked up the phone. "Hello I am Marissa from The Find A Child Club. I just want to let you know that we have a 14 year old girl ready for a parent, and I just wanted ask if you wanted her. She's really friendly!" The Find A Child Club woman explained. "Sure! Can she come at 3:30, because I have to pick my daughter up at 3:00." Ally asked politly. "Ok we'll drive at 3." The woman answered. As Katie's mom hung up, she calmly walked into the room, where baby Sophia was standing up and clutching the side of her crib. Meanwhile... e Katie finaly arrived at school with Drake at 8:04. "Katie. You have to go to the office to sign in." Drake tried to explain. "Ok" Katie shortly replied. As katie walked into the office, she saw an old crimpled lady in the seat above. "Um, hi?" Katie tried to say as she stared at her rinkly dusty skin. "Why hello little girl. Are you new here. Just sign your name right here and we will let you go." she said in a very wicked tone. "Um ok." Katie said to the lady quietly as she filled out the fourms for her class. As Katie was walking, she saw her friend Drake with her worst trader ever, Elise. Ever since pre-school they have been enimies. "Drake!" Katie said relived, when Elise walked away crying. "Katie, I know that's your worst enimie, but she was my girfriend and we had a fight and now.. II felt bad for you, because I was dating your enimie and so I dumped her."

So, if you read all of it, it's about a girl named Katie. She used to live on the farm when she was 15, and then moved to Cali. Which she used to live in Texas. Quote me for tips! Thanx for supporting me in everything I do! What would I do without you CRAZIES!!!
Messagee's avatar

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can i correct mistakes and stuff? O_O your text is kinda big so i don't want to quote you, i don't want to be a troll either, but.. XD
lol, when she said "well hello" it sounded like she was flirting with him and it seemed like they had just met that day yet he knew about her enemy, and why was her enemy in california when she used to live in texas? plus, you said trader instead of traitor, and maybe you should get in depth of how she was a traitor, or about her birthday which had to happen within those 2 weeks O_O and also how drake came to know her so fast, and why she likes bringing poptarts to school XD lol, sorry, i'd just like to see you have alot more detail and take more time for it too, don't be afraid to explain things :] err, that's all i guess, hopefully you see this post
Rocknrolla03's avatar

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Messagee
can i correct mistakes and stuff? O_O your text is kinda big so i don't want to quote you, i don't want to be a troll either, but.. XD
lol, when she said "well hello" it sounded like she was flirting with him and it seemed like they had just met that day yet he knew about her enemy, and why was her enemy in california when she used to live in texas? plus, you said trader instead of traitor, and maybe you should get in depth of how she was a traitor, or about her birthday which had to happen within those 2 weeks O_O and also how drake came to know her so fast, and why she likes bringing poptarts to school XD lol, sorry, i'd just like to see you have alot more detail and take more time for it too, don't be afraid to explain things :] err, that's all i guess, hopefully you see this post

I really understand what your saying! I get that a lot! I'm so bland! XD, This is my first story though so________________________ Yeah. Well that's really all to sum things up!
Messagee's avatar

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Savannah_Pop_Rox
Messagee
can i correct mistakes and stuff? O_O your text is kinda big so i don't want to quote you, i don't want to be a troll either, but.. XD
lol, when she said "well hello" it sounded like she was flirting with him and it seemed like they had just met that day yet he knew about her enemy, and why was her enemy in california when she used to live in texas? plus, you said trader instead of traitor, and maybe you should get in depth of how she was a traitor, or about her birthday which had to happen within those 2 weeks O_O and also how drake came to know her so fast, and why she likes bringing poptarts to school XD lol, sorry, i'd just like to see you have alot more detail and take more time for it too, don't be afraid to explain things :] err, that's all i guess, hopefully you see this post

I really understand what your saying! I get that a lot! I'm so bland! XD, This is my first story though so________________________ Yeah. Well that's really all to sum things up!

thank you for understanding heart i didn't mean to sound so critical, i just personally, would like to read it and i think it'd be sooo much better if it had more detail xp
Rocknrolla03's avatar

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Messagee
Savannah_Pop_Rox
Messagee
can i correct mistakes and stuff? O_O your text is kinda big so i don't want to quote you, i don't want to be a troll either, but.. XD
lol, when she said "well hello" it sounded like she was flirting with him and it seemed like they had just met that day yet he knew about her enemy, and why was her enemy in california when she used to live in texas? plus, you said trader instead of traitor, and maybe you should get in depth of how she was a traitor, or about her birthday which had to happen within those 2 weeks O_O and also how drake came to know her so fast, and why she likes bringing poptarts to school XD lol, sorry, i'd just like to see you have alot more detail and take more time for it too, don't be afraid to explain things :] err, that's all i guess, hopefully you see this post

I really understand what your saying! I get that a lot! I'm so bland! XD, This is my first story though so________________________ Yeah. Well that's really all to sum things up!

thank you for understanding heart i didn't mean to sound so critical, i just personally, would like to read it and i think it'd be sooo much better if it had more detail xp

Ur not critical! At all! Come on, if you wouldn't have commented, I may have never knew it was bland! XD!
Messagee's avatar

Caring Friend

Savannah_Pop_Rox
Messagee
Savannah_Pop_Rox
Messagee
can i correct mistakes and stuff? O_O your text is kinda big so i don't want to quote you, i don't want to be a troll either, but.. XD
lol, when she said "well hello" it sounded like she was flirting with him and it seemed like they had just met that day yet he knew about her enemy, and why was her enemy in california when she used to live in texas? plus, you said trader instead of traitor, and maybe you should get in depth of how she was a traitor, or about her birthday which had to happen within those 2 weeks O_O and also how drake came to know her so fast, and why she likes bringing poptarts to school XD lol, sorry, i'd just like to see you have alot more detail and take more time for it too, don't be afraid to explain things :] err, that's all i guess, hopefully you see this post

I really understand what your saying! I get that a lot! I'm so bland! XD, This is my first story though so________________________ Yeah. Well that's really all to sum things up!

thank you for understanding heart i didn't mean to sound so critical, i just personally, would like to read it and i think it'd be sooo much better if it had more detail xp

Ur not critical! At all! Come on, if you wouldn't have commented, I may have never knew it was bland! XD!

i wouldn't say bland, it's just missing alot xp
Rocknrolla03's avatar

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Savannah_Pop_Rox
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Savannah_Pop_Rox
Messagee
can i correct mistakes and stuff? O_O your text is kinda big so i don't want to quote you, i don't want to be a troll either, but.. XD
lol, when she said "well hello" it sounded like she was flirting with him and it seemed like they had just met that day yet he knew about her enemy, and why was her enemy in california when she used to live in texas? plus, you said trader instead of traitor, and maybe you should get in depth of how she was a traitor, or about her birthday which had to happen within those 2 weeks O_O and also how drake came to know her so fast, and why she likes bringing poptarts to school XD lol, sorry, i'd just like to see you have alot more detail and take more time for it too, don't be afraid to explain things :] err, that's all i guess, hopefully you see this post

I really understand what your saying! I get that a lot! I'm so bland! XD, This is my first story though so________________________ Yeah. Well that's really all to sum things up!

thank you for understanding heart i didn't mean to sound so critical, i just personally, would like to read it and i think it'd be sooo much better if it had more detail xp

Ur not critical! At all! Come on, if you wouldn't have commented, I may have never knew it was bland! XD!

i wouldn't say bland, it's just missing alot xp

I know, I was just putting preassure on meshelf!
Messagee's avatar

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Savannah_Pop_Rox
Messagee
Savannah_Pop_Rox
Messagee
Savannah_Pop_Rox
Messagee
can i correct mistakes and stuff? O_O your text is kinda big so i don't want to quote you, i don't want to be a troll either, but.. XD
lol, when she said "well hello" it sounded like she was flirting with him and it seemed like they had just met that day yet he knew about her enemy, and why was her enemy in california when she used to live in texas? plus, you said trader instead of traitor, and maybe you should get in depth of how she was a traitor, or about her birthday which had to happen within those 2 weeks O_O and also how drake came to know her so fast, and why she likes bringing poptarts to school XD lol, sorry, i'd just like to see you have alot more detail and take more time for it too, don't be afraid to explain things :] err, that's all i guess, hopefully you see this post

I really understand what your saying! I get that a lot! I'm so bland! XD, This is my first story though so________________________ Yeah. Well that's really all to sum things up!

thank you for understanding heart i didn't mean to sound so critical, i just personally, would like to read it and i think it'd be sooo much better if it had more detail xp

Ur not critical! At all! Come on, if you wouldn't have commented, I may have never knew it was bland! XD!

i wouldn't say bland, it's just missing alot xp

I know, I was just putting preassure on meshelf!

but saying it's bland is putting yourself down, you shouldn't do that X-X
Rocknrolla03's avatar

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thank you for understanding heart i didn't mean to sound so critical, i just personally, would like to read it and i think it'd be sooo much better if it had more detail xp

Ur not critical! At all! Come on, if you wouldn't have commented, I may have never knew it was bland! XD!

i wouldn't say bland, it's just missing alot xp

I know, I was just putting preassure on meshelf!

but saying it's bland is putting yourself down, you shouldn't do that X-X

you sure?
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Savannah_Pop_Rox
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Savannah_Pop_Rox
Messagee
Savannah_Pop_Rox
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thank you for understanding heart i didn't mean to sound so critical, i just personally, would like to read it and i think it'd be sooo much better if it had more detail xp

Ur not critical! At all! Come on, if you wouldn't have commented, I may have never knew it was bland! XD!

i wouldn't say bland, it's just missing alot xp

I know, I was just putting preassure on meshelf!

but saying it's bland is putting yourself down, you shouldn't do that X-X

you sure?

yep :]
Rocknrolla03's avatar

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i wouldn't say bland, it's just missing alot xp

I know, I was just putting preassure on meshelf!

but saying it's bland is putting yourself down, you shouldn't do that X-X

you sure?

yep :]

Ok, I'll stop
well, I thought the story had potential, but it was missing a lot and for some reason I found it very hard to read. personally I like stories that are short and sweet, so i didn't read all of it.
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NBS4
well, I thought the story had potential, but it was missing a lot and for some reason I found it very hard to read. personally I like stories that are short and sweet, so i didn't read all of it.

thx for reading some of it!
To be completely honest, the writing is pretty immature. You do a lot of telling instead of showing; it reads much more like an outline or a bunch of ideas rather than a flowing story.

For example, you told us how she felt when leaving the farm, but why don't you actually write a whole scene on that showing us what happened when she found out she was moving? That could have been a whole chapter right there instead of the few paragraphs that you broke up into two sections.

Another thing is the inconsistencies. If the main character has only moved within the last two weeks, that means she hasn't been going to school for too long. Most of that time would be spent moving and settling in. How is it she already has enemies?

Why would a guy she just met dump his girlfriend just because she didn't like the main character? It's seems pretty shallow to me.

You may want to think your plot through a little bit more. Ask questions, develop things. Everyone should have a reason for why they do things; a good reason! It's what makes them believable.

You also should look up formatting and brush up on grammar a bit. All of it is a block of text. You should switch paragraphs whenever there is a change in topic or when there's a new speaker in dialogue or thought. There are plenty of online resources you could look up for this.

Try reading author blogs or pick up a book or two on writing. I have a couple and they helped me so much! Reading books frequently, particularly the ones you are interested in and share a resemblance in your story, would also help immensely in getting flow and learning new words.

I didn't want to go through the whole thing, line by line, because I didn't want to discourage you from writing. Everyone has to start somewhere and many, many great authors started out not far from where you are. With some hard work and good practice, you'll get better in no time!

But I should warn you that many people are pretty harsh and critical when it comes to writing.
It can be really discouraging if you're not properly prepared for it so I suggest waiting until you get a firm grasp of the basics and some practice in on your own for a while before posting it on the internet. Look around writing sites and such to see what kind of criticism that others get and how they deal with it until you have a good idea on the good from the bad and learn what to expect. This is exactly what I did when starting out and it really helped me deal with criticism, knowing that as harsh as a person may be, they are really only trying to help. But be sure to make your own decisions when the time comes. You never have to take anyone's advice but try to at least consider everything a person has to say before making a decision. Keep an open mind and an open heart and always try your best. And remember that's it's suppose to be fun!

Good luck!
Savannah_Pop_Rox
NBS4
well, I thought the story had potential, but it was missing a lot and for some reason I found it very hard to read. personally I like stories that are short and sweet, so i didn't read all of it.

thx for reading some of it!

I'd work on paragraphs, making it a tad bit shorter, and making flow better.

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