Writing Sex Scenes.

What annoys you most in reading sex scenes?

Cheesiness and overuse of cliches	18.6%	[ 8 ]
Excessively graphic descriptions that disrupt the entire flow of the story	7.0%	[ 3 ]
Technical descriptions that disrupt the story's tone and read more like an academic essay than a piece of creative writing	9.3%	[ 4 ]
"Implied" sex--where the author skips around writing a sex scene by implying it in retrospect	11.6%	[ 5 ]
Any of the first three	16.3%	[ 7 ]
None of these	11.6%	[ 5 ]
Other (please post)	4.7%	[ 2 ]
Gold option.	20.9%	[ 9 ]
Total Votes:			[ 43 ]

[Red the Alien]

There are some circumstances that are difficult to write no matter how you frame it up. And writing a sex scene will never be easy for anyone.

Most often when I see a friend of mine try to write a sex scene, one of the following comes up:

arrow Avoiding an actual sex scene. The scene is essentially "implied" sex. Like nothing actually SAYS that the characters have sex, but it is vaguely implied and it is clear (in retrospect) that "sex" was what the author envisioned going on there. In some cases the scene even cuts out to the morning after, or in some other way cops out of the sex scene by simply not having the sex scene--just implying, later on, that it happened.

OR

arrow A poorly-written sex scene. The scene is poorly written in one way or another--either excessively cheesy, excessively graphic, or excessively technical to the point that it feels less like reading a story and more like reading an anatomy textbook. For some reason, even if the rest of the story is excellently written, the entire flow is disrupted the moment a sex scene comes in.


Generally, in one situation, the author deals with the "awkwardness" of writing a sex scene by not writing it. In the other, the author tries to adjust to the "awkwardness" and their writing style suffers as a result. For some reason, sex scenes seem to bring out the "blushing five-year-old boy who just said the word 'butt' in front of his mom for the first time" in even the most talented of writers. In a lot of ways it baffles me because sometimes those same writers are writing excellent scenes of violence, gore, war, abuse, drug use, drinking, etc.--but the moment sex is a topic they lose all of that.

This could be for a million reasons, but I think part of the reason is that our society stigmatizes sex more than it does violence. We are allowed to talk about war in school, but sex is spoken about in hushed tones. Our action figures are wrestlers, soldiers, martial artists--never, never anything to do with sex. Our movies can contain graphic violence, scenes of people being killed and ripped to shreds, and still make it through with an R rating or lower--but a graphic sex scene and the movie hits "NC-17" or "porno" right off the bat. Even if we think we don't internalize the values we are raised with that heavily, those values are reflected and we subconsciously censor ourselves in our writing (see "avoiding writing the sex scene" above), and when we try to counter that it is such a strain that we cannot feel natural about doing it, and our writing suffers as a result (see "poorly-written sex scene" above)

Discussion:
Sex scenes in literature--what goes wrong and how to avoid it.
Why sex is so much harder to write than violence, and what that says about our society.
Censorship

[justadarling]

My response was a kind of longer than I had meant it to be. Bless your heart if you actually read it.

I think cliches and focusing too much on the physical aspect ruin sex scenes the most.

I remember reading The Godfather and one of the sons was having sex with a girl in the closet at his sister's wedding and it was just a very weird scene. I felt like it didn't have an actual purpose and stating that he was in the closet with her would have actually made the story better than all the details because I didn't really understand where Mario Puzo was going with it. I think it was just too technical and that's what threw it off. He touched her vulva, he penetrated her, thrust thrust, gooey mess. There was no sort of ambiance and it just came off as unnecessary.

It's like writing about someone cooking and instead of telling me the character is cooking, you give me the play by play of how she turned on the stove, then oiled the pan, then put the chicken in, ect rather then setting up an ambiance by telling me about how the spices smelled and the sizzle that it makes.

Another thing that ruins a sex scene is shitty, over the top dialogue. If you're story has a character shouting something along the times of "Oh yes yes [insert name], baby ******** me harder" in all capitals and twelve exclamation points, I will sigh and roll my eyes. Though judging by reviews, some people like that stuff and I might just be a picky b*****d.

I feel as though sex is sort of a taboo subject. I did feel kind of awkward writing the Godfather and dialogue example. I've written a sex scene once and never again because I feel like society makes sex sort of a dirty, don't let anyone know about it kind of thing, especially depending on how it's presented. It's a lot weirder for a lot of people to stumble across a sex scene in text than it is seeing it on tv. Presumably because reading it forces you to confront the "dirty words". I'll read it but it makes me feel awkward to write it. So I kind of use the "implied sex" method now.

Violence is definitely more socially acceptable than sex. Three year-olds can watch the Power Puff Girls kick Mojo Jojo's a** every day of the week and twice on Sundays but parent's will flip out when asked where a baby comes from.

So how to avoid ruining your sex scene, don't write like you're writing a text book. If you feel too uncomfortable writing words that are a little more edgy, reconsider whether or not to go through with a sex scene.

If it's really weird for you to write, it'll be weird for us to read. Be confident, know your anatomy. I study the human body so it makes me wtf when people start doing some impossible s**t. Use your own body as an example and ask yourself if it's humanly possible to bend in certain ways without sending yourself to the ER.

Read other people's work and see what worked for you about it and what didn't.

[bara is love bara is life]

Quote:

The scene is essentially "implied" sex. Like nothing actually SAYS that the characters have sex, but it is vaguely implied and it is clear (in retrospect) that "sex" was what the author envisioned going on there. In some cases the scene even cuts out to the morning after, or in some other way cops out of the sex scene by simply not having the sex scene--just implying, later on, that it happened.

Depending on how the story is being told, I actually quite like this turnout. Especially when whoever wrote it has never had sex, never had any form of sexual intimacy or has never experienced orgasm before

There are also ways the narrative can be told where an explicit sex scene will seem out of place, gratuitous, or pointless

Quote:

The scene is poorly written in one way or another--either excessively cheesy, excessively graphic, or excessively technical to the point that it feels less like reading a story and more like reading an anatomy textbook. For some reason, even if the rest of the story is excellently written, the entire flow is disrupted the moment a sex scene comes in.

Cheesy and technical are definitely difficult to sit through. I will say that excessively graphic works in certain situations, but I'm a fetish writer so I really shouldn't be talking.

What I really can't stand in sex scenes are excessive dialogue. I see a lot of writers rely on dialogue as a crutch to break up paragraphs or add length, but no one needs to know that a character is saying, "Ah, ah, ah. I love you. ******** me harder". It's silly and pretty pointless if you ask me. I don't mind dialogue when it portray some of the more awkward moments of sex, though.

I read a lot of erotica. I also write a lot of erotica based on fetishism, so I'm definitely guilty of being graphic when it gets into my brand of pleasure. But I will say mine is for the purpose of titillation and really not about developing much of a story.

It's a curse, really. Every time I'm motivated to develop a story, I get caught in the crazy kind of sex the characters would have and I focus on that.

But, it is what it is.

[W00FlE]

Poll, none of these. Any of the first four. 3nodding

[GashNburn]

I may be in the minority here....but I find writing sex scenes can be far easier to create than say, a one on one fight with bladed weapons. The dynamics and motion of that scenerio can be trying to say the least. Where as sex scenes are far easier in my opinon and I think the reasons for that are pretty simple. Most of us, ever since that first person set our nether regions alight and made our hearts beat so fast and hard in our chests, we though it would shatter our rib cages.....sex has been a constant in the thought processes. Maybe not front and centre, mind you, especially as time goes by, but it is there. And because it is, we've all thought about, dreamed about it, fantasized about, or even obsessed over it. And, for the most part, done it...to varying degrees of course! : ) Having said that, there is a wealth of practical ( or imagined ) knowledge to draw upon when writing.

How many can say they have the same amount of "experience" when it comes to a knife fight? : )

Gash

[terradi]

Honestly, I do avoid sex scenes and I do not believe that this impacts my ability to tell a story well.

In part, my reasoning is that I don't talk about sex with people outside of whoever I happen to be romantically involved in. It's simply not something I'm comfortable with. As a result though, I don't write romance, and I tend to veer pretty heavily away from a plotline that would require it as a part of writing. But that's not the sort of plotline that comes naturally to me to begin with, so it doesn't feel like it impairs my ability to write what I do.

There are enough people out there who are both comfortable writing sex scenes and write them well that I don't feel like I need to write this particular topic at this particular time. If I hit a point where I feel it's relevant to the plot and I can actually execute it well, that may change. But that's not where I am at this point in my writing.

To me, and I think to a lot of other people (I may be wrong) sex just feels like a much more private act. Writing about it is a form of sharing, and that's a little too much sharing from experience than I really feel comfortable with. The notion of sex itself doesn't bother me, but violence is easier to write about -- even if I struggle with the choreography more often than not. It's something we're used to seeing on the news and talking about publicly. It is a very public thing in our culture.

[Sir Icehawk]

I have yet to write a story where a sex scene was needed and had to spelled out. The one where there was sex went like this:

They were in the kitchen. Husband was back for the first time in years. Some stuff happened. May have been a bit of foreplay. Then he/she chased her/him upstairs.

Didn't need anything more. How they had sex really didn't matter at all to the story.

There was sex in Robert J. Sawyer's Rollback, but it was there to serve a purpose. It wasn't just slapped in there. I wasn't expecting it though.

[SebastiansLittleDoll]

Sex scenes in literature--what goes wrong and how to avoid it.

I have issues with it when it's slapped in there unnecessarily. Then it'd just be... annoying (but, that's from my perspective). I suppose writing sex scenes badly would be a pain for the writer if they're trying to spruce it up, and an eye-roll for the reader, but if you read how other writers write sex scenes it should help (not being a virgin helps, too. Porn can only teach you so much).

I think the emotions behind the actions are what really makes it impactful. Why should we care about two people ******** in a closet if we can't feel the emotions they're feeling, how ecstatic they're feeling?

At the same time, there are certain physical, sensory details you can add that spices up the scene. Er, I really dunno how to explain this without getting too vivid, but also add in details other than action. Think of it as if you're describing a room--cherry picking certain details would make you feel as if you're really there. If you just say, "There was a bed and a stool" you get something very basic and kinda dull, whereas "There was an ornate, king-sized bed and a small stool. Furniture that painfully stood out in the vast room." you get something richer.

(Again, I'm not an erotic expert... I'm just a random girl on the internet who's mom's gonna strangle her is she finds this D: I'm sorry mom! T.T)

However, I don't think you absolutely need to have a sex scene, and just implying that a pair (or however many people/animals/etc) had sex is fine, too. Sometimes sex scenes can feel... out of place.

Why sex is so much harder to write than violence, and what that says about our society.

I really think that that depends on some people and what experiences they, personally, have been through. Some would probably find it easier to write sex scenes than violent ones. People who've had practice writing sex scenes and really studied their stuff would probably be better at it than violent scenes if they don't know anything about fighting, etc.

Censorship

Eep, this is an iffy topic, with so much ground to cover. >.< I don't really mind violence and sex being censored out for kids. It can affect some kids negatively and, sometimes, seeing sex-related things can be painful for people, depending on what they've been through (same goes for violence. Someone who was physically abused my their parents may feel traumatized if they see it on tv). I think things like war's discussed more freely 'cause it's sometime negatively affecting many people and people need to understand its threats. As for sex, yeah, you can get STIs, but it's not like banging someone will result in a genocide occuring. Unless you're Helen of Troy, in which case you have to be careful about who you ********. (Please tell me I got that reference right, all I know is that Helen and some guy ******** and a bloody ten year war was born.)

[GashNburn]

Just want to clarify something in regards to my earlier post, so I don't leave the wrong impression here. : ) Yeah, I find writing the schnoogling (?) bits to be fairly easy. But no, I do not write them all the time. Nor are they over the top graphic. I don't see any need for that. My experience comes primarily from one novel length tale I wrote and those scenes ended up being a vital part of it. After I had written the first draft, I let it be for a few months before I returned to it for edits as is normal for me. When it was done though, because I was curious, I had actually saved two forms of it. One with the sex scenes, and one without. When I read it minus the "mambos", it just didn't work as a whole.

Gash

[evolvus_blue]

GashNburn

I may be in the minority here....but I find writing sex scenes can be far easier to create than say, a one on one fight with bladed weapons.

How many can say they have the same amount of "experience" when it comes to a knife fight? : )

Gash

I agree strongly with this parallel! It is easier to write something you know. It's good to educate yourself on any subject before you write it, and sex is something that most adults know all about from media, books, word of mouth, or from living it. So the cheesy labeling of body parts and actions tells me, in most cases, that the writer is not well educated on the subject (unless you can do it well in which case- great!). Anatomical references might get a little bit heavy for a conventional reader. I enjoy a sex scene that shows the writer's style well. If the character a writer portrays is always thinking about getting it on then a full on sex scene may be appropriate. If not, then alluding to a sex scene or including no actual sexy times is good. Going with a romantic style that suits your writing style is important, or it can get awkward for you and the readers xp

[PetitEspoir]

I always feel really awkward about writing romantic scenes/sex scenes because I'm not particularly experienced in that area. I've only shared experiences like that with one person, my boyfriend. So when I write it, I feel like I'm sharing intimate parts about myself because I've only experienced it with one person and I've only that stuff shared with my boyfriend (obviously) and so I feel very exposed and also like I'm disclosing information on our relationship that's private to us.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Also, I get scared. I always think, oh my gosh, if I ever fully complete it or if it gets published people are going to read this. This applies to the story in general as well as the intimate scenes. But also my mother would read this...and maybe my siblings, cousins, aunty, grandmother, boyfriend, boyfriend's FAMILY, my friends, GGAAHHH gonk

[GashNburn]

PetitEspoir

I always feel really awkward about writing romantic scenes/sex scenes because I'm not particularly experienced in that area. I've only shared experiences like that with one person, my boyfriend. So when I write it, I feel like I'm sharing intimate parts about myself because I've only experienced it with one person and I've only that stuff shared with my boyfriend (obviously) and so I feel very exposed and also like I'm disclosing information on our relationship that's private to us.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Also, I get scared. I always think, oh my gosh, if I ever fully complete it or if it gets published people are going to read this. This applies to the story in general as well as the intimate scenes. But also my mother would read this...and maybe my siblings, cousins, aunty, grandmother, boyfriend, boyfriend's FAMILY, my friends, GGAAHHH gonk

The thing is though, when you write, you ARE exposing yourself to some degree. No matter what the subject. A fight or battle scene may be a reflection on a deep seated blood-lust. Or need for revenge that lives and breathes beyond your characters. An intimate sexual scene may be an unintentional reliving or desire. YOU are always in the writing. I don't think there is any way around that. But yes, you're right, there is the issue of others reading it ( knowing you are in there somewhere...even if they, the readers, aren't entirely aware of it themselves ) that can make it tough. It's all a matter of what fits, is needed or just flat out, has to be done to make the story work for you, the writer.

Gash

[GashNburn]

evolvus_blue

GashNburn

I may be in the minority here....but I find writing sex scenes can be far easier to create than say, a one on one fight with bladed weapons.

How many can say they have the same amount of "experience" when it comes to a knife fight? : )

Gash

I agree strongly with this parallel! xp

Thank you! : ) As far as style goes, I found mine tends to be more on the erotic side than the explicit. It just worked for me and that made it less lurid and cliche. It also fit the tale much, much better written as such.

Gash

[PetitEspoir]

GashNburn

PetitEspoir

I always feel really awkward about writing romantic scenes/sex scenes because I'm not particularly experienced in that area. I've only shared experiences like that with one person, my boyfriend. So when I write it, I feel like I'm sharing intimate parts about myself because I've only experienced it with one person and I've only that stuff shared with my boyfriend (obviously) and so I feel very exposed and also like I'm disclosing information on our relationship that's private to us.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Also, I get scared. I always think, oh my gosh, if I ever fully complete it or if it gets published people are going to read this. This applies to the story in general as well as the intimate scenes. But also my mother would read this...and maybe my siblings, cousins, aunty, grandmother, boyfriend, boyfriend's FAMILY, my friends, GGAAHHH gonk

The thing is though, when you write, you ARE exposing yourself to some degree. No matter what the subject. A fight or battle scene may be a reflection on a deep seated blood-lust. Or need for revenge the lives and breathes beyond your characters. An intimate sexual scene may be an unintentional reliving or desire. YOU are always in the writing. I don't think there is any way around that. But yes, you're right, there is the issue of others reading it ( knowing you are in there somewhere...even if they, the readers, aren't entirely aware of it themselves ) that can make it tough. It's all a matter of what fits, is needed or just flat out, has to be done to make the story work for you, the writer.

Gash

Yeah, I understand. It's just difficult to let people read my work.