Welcome to Gaia! ::

You can't really have one be dominant and the two be equal. If one is dominant, the other is subservient, that's just how that dynamic works. Anyone who has fooled themselves into believing that one can be dominant and things are still equal is deluding themselves. You need to work on the dynamic more and get back to basics because it doesn't sound to me like you've developed that enough.
KageNoRurouni
You can't really have one be dominant and the two be equal. If one is dominant, the other is subservient, that's just how that dynamic works. Anyone who has fooled themselves into believing that one can be dominant and things are still equal is deluding themselves. You need to work on the dynamic more and get back to basics because it doesn't sound to me like you've developed that enough.


Is this about relationships or just about sex?
Moral Gutpunch
KageNoRurouni
You can't really have one be dominant and the two be equal. If one is dominant, the other is subservient, that's just how that dynamic works. Anyone who has fooled themselves into believing that one can be dominant and things are still equal is deluding themselves. You need to work on the dynamic more and get back to basics because it doesn't sound to me like you've developed that enough.


Is this about relationships or just about sex?


It's both. Sex is a relationship. It doesn't exist on its own and that goes for one night stands too. If two people respect each other and both come to the conclusion that they want to bump uglies, that's going to look different from a dominant person who pursues a submissive person and is the one to actually request/push the sex angle. A mutually respectful sex act is going to have some push and pull between both people as they both focus on pleasuring each other. There isn't going to be one person doing all of the leading and there are certain acts that they just aren't going to do. A mutually respectful interaction does not look to put one in a place that would be denigrating in some way to one. A dominant and submissive interaction will look a little different based on their motivations, but the dominant will be the one to lead the act and the submissive will be the one to accept it. You have to work on that dynamic first and know what it is you're working with before you can make something that's internally consistent.
If you want some advice on sex scenes, just go to Fanfiction.net and go to any of the top ten most written topics, and go to the 'M' sections. Read some stories. Take notes, if you want to. There you will find sex scenes reigning from steamy paragraphs that would arouse anyone's erogenous zones, to hopelessly romantic chapters that just seem to get you every bit as emotional. smile

Don't ask me why I know this..
KageNoRurouni
You can't really have one be dominant and the two be equal. If one is dominant, the other is subservient, that's just how that dynamic works. Anyone who has fooled themselves into believing that one can be dominant and things are still equal is deluding themselves. You need to work on the dynamic more and get back to basics because it doesn't sound to me like you've developed that enough.


Are you serious? Of course you can have a D/S relationship whilst retaining equality. For a start, in a real D/S relationship, the sub is actually the one that has the power. They set the boundaries, they say when to stop, they make the rules. If the Dom breaks those rules, they're a bad Dom.

Secondly, what happens in the bedroom doesn't necessarily reflect on the relationship at all. So if you're talking about sexually, that's a load of bullcrap.

As for a sub/dom relationship, equality is still an interesting concept. The sub still sets the boundaries etc. It's a lot more complex than you seem to think.
KageNoRurouni
Moral Gutpunch
KageNoRurouni
You can't really have one be dominant and the two be equal. If one is dominant, the other is subservient, that's just how that dynamic works. Anyone who has fooled themselves into believing that one can be dominant and things are still equal is deluding themselves. You need to work on the dynamic more and get back to basics because it doesn't sound to me like you've developed that enough.


Is this about relationships or just about sex?


It's both. Sex is a relationship. It doesn't exist on its own and that goes for one night stands too. If two people respect each other and both come to the conclusion that they want to bump uglies, that's going to look different from a dominant person who pursues a submissive person and is the one to actually request/push the sex angle. A mutually respectful sex act is going to have some push and pull between both people as they both focus on pleasuring each other. There isn't going to be one person doing all of the leading and there are certain acts that they just aren't going to do. A mutually respectful interaction does not look to put one in a place that would be denigrating in some way to one. A dominant and submissive interaction will look a little different based on their motivations, but the dominant will be the one to lead the act and the submissive will be the one to accept it. You have to work on that dynamic first and know what it is you're working with before you can make something that's internally consistent.


Okay, now all that makes sense now. I thought you were against anyone wanting to be dominant or subservient in a sexual role.

Thanks for clearing that up.
ofallthethingyouknow
KageNoRurouni
You can't really have one be dominant and the two be equal. If one is dominant, the other is subservient, that's just how that dynamic works. Anyone who has fooled themselves into believing that one can be dominant and things are still equal is deluding themselves. You need to work on the dynamic more and get back to basics because it doesn't sound to me like you've developed that enough.


Are you serious? Of course you can have a D/S relationship whilst retaining equality. For a start, in a real D/S relationship, the sub is actually the one that has the power. They set the boundaries, they say when to stop, they make the rules. If the Dom breaks those rules, they're a bad Dom.

Secondly, what happens in the bedroom doesn't necessarily reflect on the relationship at all. So if you're talking about sexually, that's a load of bullcrap.

As for a sub/dom relationship, equality is still an interesting concept. The sub still sets the boundaries etc. It's a lot more complex than you seem to think.


Are YOU serious? You haven't put much thought into the balance of relationships and what equality truly means. It is very complicated and can't be boiled down to "they can be equal anyway". Read up on it sometime and do some serious thinking.
Moral Gutpunch
KageNoRurouni
Moral Gutpunch
KageNoRurouni
You can't really have one be dominant and the two be equal. If one is dominant, the other is subservient, that's just how that dynamic works. Anyone who has fooled themselves into believing that one can be dominant and things are still equal is deluding themselves. You need to work on the dynamic more and get back to basics because it doesn't sound to me like you've developed that enough.


Is this about relationships or just about sex?


It's both. Sex is a relationship. It doesn't exist on its own and that goes for one night stands too. If two people respect each other and both come to the conclusion that they want to bump uglies, that's going to look different from a dominant person who pursues a submissive person and is the one to actually request/push the sex angle. A mutually respectful sex act is going to have some push and pull between both people as they both focus on pleasuring each other. There isn't going to be one person doing all of the leading and there are certain acts that they just aren't going to do. A mutually respectful interaction does not look to put one in a place that would be denigrating in some way to one. A dominant and submissive interaction will look a little different based on their motivations, but the dominant will be the one to lead the act and the submissive will be the one to accept it. You have to work on that dynamic first and know what it is you're working with before you can make something that's internally consistent.


Okay, now all that makes sense now. I thought you were against anyone wanting to be dominant or subservient in a sexual role.

Thanks for clearing that up.


Heck no. I personally prefer when I write erotica to make relationships mutually respectful, but that isn't the only way to do it and that isn't the only thing that appeals to people.
I_Write_Ivre's avatar

Popular Member

7,550 Points
  • Popular Thread 100
  • Overstocked 200
  • Tipsy 100
KageNoRurouni

Are YOU serious? You haven't put much thought into the balance of relationships and what equality truly means. It is very complicated and can't be boiled down to "they can be equal anyway". Read up on it sometime and do some serious thinking.


Are you?

I've read Psychology today, Savage Love (for years), Scientific American Mind, and read scientific papers in basic psych classes. They all say that a sub/dom sexual relationship can be a healthy way to express your sexual desires, show passion for your lover, and have a great sex life.
KageNoRurouni
Are YOU serious? You haven't put much thought into the balance of relationships and what equality truly means. It is very complicated and can't be boiled down to "they can be equal anyway". Read up on it sometime and do some serious thinking.


Yes, it's very complicated, so why you would assume that anyone in a D/s relationship can't be equal, I don't know. That just screams of ignorance. It's also a generalisation. Unless you have met everyone in the world who has been in a D/s relationship, you have no right to say that it can never be equal.

Also, there is such thing as switching, just sayin'. This coming from someone who has done a LOT of research into the BDSM scene, and who has been in D/s and BDSM relationships.

As for what you're saying to the other person, the person pursuing isn't always the person in control. In fact, pursuing can put you in a more vulnerable position than being pursued.
I_Write_Ivre
KageNoRurouni

Are YOU serious? You haven't put much thought into the balance of relationships and what equality truly means. It is very complicated and can't be boiled down to "they can be equal anyway". Read up on it sometime and do some serious thinking.


Are you?

I've read Psychology today, Savage Love (for years), Scientific American Mind, and read scientific papers in basic psych classes. They all say that a sub/dom sexual relationship can be a healthy way to express your sexual desires, show passion for your lover, and have a great sex life.


There's a difference between truly equal and healthy. BDSM isn't necessarily unhealthy. I write about it occasionally because it's an interesting dynamic. It's not an equal relationship though. There is always someone leading the relationship, whether it be the "submissive" or the "dominant". That is a slight difference between this kind of relationship and a non-fetish one in which one simply leads the relationship, but not always. A fetish doesn't change the underlying dynamic between two people all that much, but it takes looking past that fetish and the appearances in order to start to see that.

I've written for publications like Psychology Today and I do have a Master's degree. I'm not saying this to brag, I'm bringing up the fact that I've had to think critically about these subjects a whole lot. When you are in a setting like that, you have your previous beliefs challenged and questioned to the point where you see that a lot of the bias you had thought was objective is sitting right there in your mind. You might scoff at what I'm saying now but when you go on to grad school and start to see things differently, your opinions will change (if you're doing grad school right).
KageNoRurouni
There's a difference between truly equal and healthy. BDSM isn't necessarily unhealthy. I write about it occasionally because it's an interesting dynamic. It's not an equal relationship though. There is always someone leading the relationship, whether it be the "submissive" or the "dominant". That is a slight difference between this kind of relationship and a non-fetish one in which one simply leads the relationship, but not always. A fetish doesn't change the underlying dynamic between two people all that much, but it takes looking past that fetish and the appearances in order to start to see that.

I've written for publications like Psychology Today and I do have a Master's degree. I'm not saying this to brag, I'm bringing up the fact that I've had to think critically about these subjects a whole lot. When you are in a setting like that, you have your previous beliefs challenged and questioned to the point where you see that a lot of the bias you had thought was objective is sitting right there in your mind. You might scoff at what I'm saying now but when you go on to grad school and start to see things differently, your opinions will change (if you're doing grad school right).


I call bullshit. I sincerely doubt you've got a Master's degree, and you haven't written for Psychology Today (unless you count sending in a letter for the comments section, I guess). It's total bullshit that there's always someone leading the relationship, whether BDSM or not. People are capable of leaving their sex life in the bedroom and interacting equally outside of it. Not all BDSM folks are lifestylers. But I highly doubt that you're going to listen to anything anyone else has to say, considering your condescending arrogance.
I_Write_Ivre's avatar

Popular Member

7,550 Points
  • Popular Thread 100
  • Overstocked 200
  • Tipsy 100
KageNoRurouni
I_Write_Ivre
KageNoRurouni

Are YOU serious? You haven't put much thought into the balance of relationships and what equality truly means. It is very complicated and can't be boiled down to "they can be equal anyway". Read up on it sometime and do some serious thinking.


Are you?

I've read Psychology today, Savage Love (for years), Scientific American Mind, and read scientific papers in basic psych classes. They all say that a sub/dom sexual relationship can be a healthy way to express your sexual desires, show passion for your lover, and have a great sex life.


There's a difference between truly equal and healthy. BDSM isn't necessarily unhealthy. I write about it occasionally because it's an interesting dynamic. It's not an equal relationship though. There is always someone leading the relationship, whether it be the "submissive" or the "dominant". That is a slight difference between this kind of relationship and a non-fetish one in which one simply leads the relationship, but not always. A fetish doesn't change the underlying dynamic between two people all that much, but it takes looking past that fetish and the appearances in order to start to see that.

I've written for publications like Psychology Today and I do have a Master's degree. I'm not saying this to brag, I'm bringing up the fact that I've had to think critically about these subjects a whole lot. When you are in a setting like that, you have your previous beliefs challenged and questioned to the point where you see that a lot of the bias you had thought was objective is sitting right there in your mind. You might scoff at what I'm saying now but when you go on to grad school and start to see things differently, your opinions will change (if you're doing grad school right).


No, I won't.

Because BDSM has nothing to do with the rest of the relationship. People are equal in love and they choose to be in sex. Subs can go 'I dont' feel like a sub today.' Doms can do the same thing. People don't become someone else entirely in sex, they just have certain sexual desires.

Also, others have a point. The 'sub' can lead. They can stop when they want to. They can ask to change how sex happens, even if they are still sub. Heck, they can go 'I want to be dom'. a fetish relationship is not different form another relationship other than how sex happens.

I've talked to experts, people into different fetishes, and I have fetishes I don't always employ. I've also known and talked to people who've had abusive relationships and experts about those. It wasn't a fetish that the abuser wanted, but to abuse.

Hell, I've even read this in Pscyhology Today about fetishes that aren't actually bad for you.

Plus, sub/dom isn't necessarily BDSM.
Rotsab M. Hyolf's avatar

9,100 Points
  • Citizen 200
  • First step to fame 200
  • Peoplewatcher 100
Write the sex scene and just stay inside one of the character's heads. If they're not particularly engaged, the sex won't come off as erotic/harrlequin. A great way is to have them thinking about something completely different, which pulls the scene away from what's happening.
Um well the best thing I can say is pretend it's something You're feeling. Like if you were the woman and were with that Man. Let Your fantices and desires soar. At least that is how I've seen most people do it. ((my aunt is a writer and has published a few books so I asked her for advice as well as used my own as I am working on a few books myself.))

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get Items
Get Gaia Cash
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games