roxie112
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- Posted: Wed, 17 Sep 2014 03:32:57 +0000
“I was always broken”
It was depression week here at Colorado University. Being a transfer student I can see I had a lot of depression. I found myself typing this in class one day. I submitted it unanimously to the Colorado website for depressed teens. Bored out of my mind during a lecture, I decided to jam this onto my computer, tune out the teacher and reflect on my struggle with depression:
“The first time I cut myself was 12 years old. That’s when I knew something was wrong with me. And the worst part is I’ve never had a reason to be depressed- I come from a perfect life. I’m pretty, wealthy, and have a loving family. I’ve never been bullied or raped. Nothing has ever happened to me that was bad really. I just always was… broken. I’ll never know the exact existence of my depression but it does exist and I’ve always felt this foreboding sense of not being good enough. And I hate to say it but I’ve always wanted to die. Maybe it’s being surrounded by such perfection. Who knows? I’ve also felt myself tremendously sad about others suffering. I’ve wanted to die simply to the sheer fact I don’t agree with the world.
I’ve always felt scared in this world and there was always a part of me that wanted to die. You could say I harbor a lot of fear. The cutting escalated when I transferred colleges- that was a big change for me. I went through hell Lakeforest College having no friends and transferred to my entire group of friends at Colorado University. I met a bunch of mean people-- I was never bullied but I felt isolated. Everywhere I went I was alone it was horrible. I had one friend that I still talk to this day.
At Lakeforest, the boy I liked I discovered had been talking crap about me- which made the pain sting a little longer. I was excluded from groups and I walked alone. But I’m not going to even go into it because I must block the past out. It’s embarrassing that I’m even talking about it now! But at the time, it was a lot to handle- hence why I had cut myself. I thought no one wanted to be my friend because of me but I realized it was something wrong with the school. It was not my fault.
That was the only difficult thing I’ve ever encountered- the rest of my life has been perfect. I guess it’s the outside pressure around me- the feeling of not accepting oneself or feeling smart enough or good enough was something I will never have control over the dark feelings that it gives me and still gives me. Perhaps it was because I grew up with everything I have learned to appreciate nothing.”
“Hey Elyse, what’s that you’re typing?” Anna chimed in
I slammed the keyboard shut. “Nothing” I muttered under my breath.
“Hey Else are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yes I’m fine” I lied
Anna is my best friend and my cousin I’ve grown up with my whole life. We went to grade school together and both transferred from different colleges to the same one. She has light blonde hair and beautiful tan skin like honey. She is sweet, kind, and always finds a way to cheer me up. Her concerns are annoying but I know she is coming from the right place because she loves me just as much as I love her. We have signed up for every single class together. I think Anna decided to join the same classes as me because she doesn’t like to do her homework very much.
Anyway, we are walking back to the dorm. It is snowy and the trees on our campus are green. We are almost done with the semester. Coming in as a transfer, college has been hell for me. The lonely parties, the horny boys and the superficiality are not for me- especially because I came in without a large group of friends. I only truly knew four other people and was close with those four other people and only talked to those four other people. But it was much better then where I was before- Lakeforest.
Anna and me go absolutely everywhere and we plan on going to a party this weekend.
I always get excited for parties, I always want to be able to meet the love of my life unexpectedly at a bar but I keep running into these men begging for sex. And in college, when I lost my virginity, I gave it to someone random. I don’t regret it- it was too much to be curious about and I’m glad I went through the process. I kind of want to do it again because it sure beats masturbation.
Flashback
“Lizzy I have bad news” Ashley said
Ashley is one of my closest friends and we’ve known each other since gradeschool. She has straight blonde hair and is slightly anorexic. She is a type A personality and we have not always gotten along. We are so different. How are we friends? I don’t know to this day.
My other friend, Devin, comes into the room. Devin is the sexy fiery friend I’ve always wanted. She gets any guy she wants and is funny, confident, and fun to be around. Devin makes me laugh harder than anyone with her sarcastic and condescending sense of humor. To me, Devin is equivalent to a sister.
“What is it?” I ask. I know what’s coming. I just went on a date with a man yesterday I believed to be the absolute love of my life. I knew what was coming- here it was all about to come crashing down to a bitter end.
“Bob … he came up to me tonight and told me hes too busy for a girlfriend. He only wants to be friends”
“Oh ok.” I try to say without crying
“I’m so sorry.” Ashley said
“Its ok. I’m going to go take a shower” I say smiling.
We all chat about something else for the time being. Then, when they leave for bed in their individual rooms, I run up to the bathtub, turn on the water to drown out the sound of crying and sob hysterically. I take a razor and slash the side of my hip. I’m not good at handling romantic rejection and this was definitely the first indicator of that. It’s because I reject myself and I assumed it always to be something wrong with me.
Fast forward
Today I went roller blading with Anna. We have both graduated college, we are home and enjoying the beautiful fall weather. But alas, we have no jobs. While I’m gliding on roller blades through the beautiful wealthy town I live in, that phrase echoes in my mind again: there is so much beauty in the world. I can barely speak to her because of singing intensely during a recent voice lesson. So like a Disney character, I was saving my voice. Oh I forgot to tell you. I’m an opera singer. And an artist. I’m kind of talented.
Anyway we are rollerblading.
“Elyse those rollerblades are too big for you” Anna teases
I giggle at her and we practically hold hands. We are so lesbian.
“I miss Gina, Kate and Patricia. They are all gone! We are such losers everyone is moving away”
I nod my head.
As we roller blade, since my roller blades are too big for me at every stop sign, she grabs me as I basically with golf ball eyes almost get hit by every car in sight. One lady even stopped and yelled at us. We roller bladed away and I yelled bite me to her and she yelled back ******** off.
Today was a good day.
It was depression week here at Colorado University. Being a transfer student I can see I had a lot of depression. I found myself typing this in class one day. I submitted it unanimously to the Colorado website for depressed teens. Bored out of my mind during a lecture, I decided to jam this onto my computer, tune out the teacher and reflect on my struggle with depression:
“The first time I cut myself was 12 years old. That’s when I knew something was wrong with me. And the worst part is I’ve never had a reason to be depressed- I come from a perfect life. I’m pretty, wealthy, and have a loving family. I’ve never been bullied or raped. Nothing has ever happened to me that was bad really. I just always was… broken. I’ll never know the exact existence of my depression but it does exist and I’ve always felt this foreboding sense of not being good enough. And I hate to say it but I’ve always wanted to die. Maybe it’s being surrounded by such perfection. Who knows? I’ve also felt myself tremendously sad about others suffering. I’ve wanted to die simply to the sheer fact I don’t agree with the world.
I’ve always felt scared in this world and there was always a part of me that wanted to die. You could say I harbor a lot of fear. The cutting escalated when I transferred colleges- that was a big change for me. I went through hell Lakeforest College having no friends and transferred to my entire group of friends at Colorado University. I met a bunch of mean people-- I was never bullied but I felt isolated. Everywhere I went I was alone it was horrible. I had one friend that I still talk to this day.
At Lakeforest, the boy I liked I discovered had been talking crap about me- which made the pain sting a little longer. I was excluded from groups and I walked alone. But I’m not going to even go into it because I must block the past out. It’s embarrassing that I’m even talking about it now! But at the time, it was a lot to handle- hence why I had cut myself. I thought no one wanted to be my friend because of me but I realized it was something wrong with the school. It was not my fault.
That was the only difficult thing I’ve ever encountered- the rest of my life has been perfect. I guess it’s the outside pressure around me- the feeling of not accepting oneself or feeling smart enough or good enough was something I will never have control over the dark feelings that it gives me and still gives me. Perhaps it was because I grew up with everything I have learned to appreciate nothing.”
“Hey Elyse, what’s that you’re typing?” Anna chimed in
I slammed the keyboard shut. “Nothing” I muttered under my breath.
“Hey Else are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yes I’m fine” I lied
Anna is my best friend and my cousin I’ve grown up with my whole life. We went to grade school together and both transferred from different colleges to the same one. She has light blonde hair and beautiful tan skin like honey. She is sweet, kind, and always finds a way to cheer me up. Her concerns are annoying but I know she is coming from the right place because she loves me just as much as I love her. We have signed up for every single class together. I think Anna decided to join the same classes as me because she doesn’t like to do her homework very much.
Anyway, we are walking back to the dorm. It is snowy and the trees on our campus are green. We are almost done with the semester. Coming in as a transfer, college has been hell for me. The lonely parties, the horny boys and the superficiality are not for me- especially because I came in without a large group of friends. I only truly knew four other people and was close with those four other people and only talked to those four other people. But it was much better then where I was before- Lakeforest.
Anna and me go absolutely everywhere and we plan on going to a party this weekend.
I always get excited for parties, I always want to be able to meet the love of my life unexpectedly at a bar but I keep running into these men begging for sex. And in college, when I lost my virginity, I gave it to someone random. I don’t regret it- it was too much to be curious about and I’m glad I went through the process. I kind of want to do it again because it sure beats masturbation.
Flashback
“Lizzy I have bad news” Ashley said
Ashley is one of my closest friends and we’ve known each other since gradeschool. She has straight blonde hair and is slightly anorexic. She is a type A personality and we have not always gotten along. We are so different. How are we friends? I don’t know to this day.
My other friend, Devin, comes into the room. Devin is the sexy fiery friend I’ve always wanted. She gets any guy she wants and is funny, confident, and fun to be around. Devin makes me laugh harder than anyone with her sarcastic and condescending sense of humor. To me, Devin is equivalent to a sister.
“What is it?” I ask. I know what’s coming. I just went on a date with a man yesterday I believed to be the absolute love of my life. I knew what was coming- here it was all about to come crashing down to a bitter end.
“Bob … he came up to me tonight and told me hes too busy for a girlfriend. He only wants to be friends”
“Oh ok.” I try to say without crying
“I’m so sorry.” Ashley said
“Its ok. I’m going to go take a shower” I say smiling.
We all chat about something else for the time being. Then, when they leave for bed in their individual rooms, I run up to the bathtub, turn on the water to drown out the sound of crying and sob hysterically. I take a razor and slash the side of my hip. I’m not good at handling romantic rejection and this was definitely the first indicator of that. It’s because I reject myself and I assumed it always to be something wrong with me.
Fast forward
Today I went roller blading with Anna. We have both graduated college, we are home and enjoying the beautiful fall weather. But alas, we have no jobs. While I’m gliding on roller blades through the beautiful wealthy town I live in, that phrase echoes in my mind again: there is so much beauty in the world. I can barely speak to her because of singing intensely during a recent voice lesson. So like a Disney character, I was saving my voice. Oh I forgot to tell you. I’m an opera singer. And an artist. I’m kind of talented.
Anyway we are rollerblading.
“Elyse those rollerblades are too big for you” Anna teases
I giggle at her and we practically hold hands. We are so lesbian.
“I miss Gina, Kate and Patricia. They are all gone! We are such losers everyone is moving away”
I nod my head.
As we roller blade, since my roller blades are too big for me at every stop sign, she grabs me as I basically with golf ball eyes almost get hit by every car in sight. One lady even stopped and yelled at us. We roller bladed away and I yelled bite me to her and she yelled back ******** off.
Today was a good day.
