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S2 His's avatar

Dangerous Grabber

So I'm having mixed feelings about a certain someone and I just need help trying to express my thoughts. Right now they're just really cluttered and Forum, I want to know what you think of when you read this. Just... look to see if there is a deeper meaning and tell me what you think:

I sit under on a bench, alone thinking to myself about you. Then, it starts to rain and I endure every lonely rain drop that lands on my lips. Why can't these raindrops take the form of you? But I think to myself... do you think of these things? I wonder... what's going on in your head? Are you really there? Are your feelings strong? Is your fire bright? Do you look up into the nightlit sky and think about me? Are you really living or are you just moving along in life? When do you ever love, cry, smile, care, or hate? You won't budge, and every time I try to chip you open, that rock just rebuttles back leaving me in wonder of your true feelings. I thought your insides were of diamonds and colorful stones but you portray them as normal rocks and stones on a street. If I could, I would paint all of those stones and show you off to the world. But maybe those colors will fade and wear off... thus going back to where you've been: a rock you see everyday on the road that people step on, minding their own business. But I'll always be there and I won't step on you. Will you be there for me..? It's awkward? Don't know what to say? Well then, you're just like a puppet; Someone's gotta pull the strings for you. Let's just hope the fairy godmother can lend you strength to walk, do and say on your own. This heart... is longing to be used, heard, and felt. Is yours? 
Klaark's avatar

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It looks to me as though you're not so much trying to make yourself clear or understood, but trying to sound deep and poetic.

Just write what you think, shitcan the fluff. Who is this person? Do you like them, hate them? What are you trying to tell them?
S2 His's avatar

Dangerous Grabber

Klaark
It looks to me as though you're not so much trying to make yourself clear or understood, but trying to sound deep and poetic.

Just write what you think, shitcan the fluff. Who is this person? Do you like them, hate them? What are you trying to tell them?

I love them but it's just so hard to rad their feelings. There's just this huge lack of communication between eachother's feelings and I can't tell what the other is thibking since they're so vague... VERY vague.
I've made some adjustments...

iSpaghettification

I sit under on a bench, alone thinking to myself about you. Then, it starts to rain and I endure every lonely rain drop that lands on my lips. Why can't these raindrops take the form of you? But I think to myself... do you think of these things? I wonder... what's going on in your head? Are you really there? Are your feelings strong? Is your fire bright? Do you look up into the nightlit sky and think about me? Are you really living or are you just moving along in life? When do you ever love, cry, smile, care, or hate? You won't budge, and every time I try to chip you open, that rock just rebuttles back leaving me in wonder of your true feelings. I thought your insides were of diamonds and colorful stones but you portray them as normal rocks and stones on a street. If I could, I would paint all of those stones and show you off to the world. But maybe those colors will fade and wear off... thus going back to where you've been: a rock you see everyday on the road that people step on, minding their own business. But I'll always be there and I won't step on you. Will you be there for me..? It's awkward? Don't know what to say? Well then, you're just like a puppet; Someone's gotta pull the strings for you. Let's just hope the fairy godmother can lend you strength to walk, do and say on your own. This heart... is longing to be used, heard, and felt. Is yours? Do you like me? Yes/No


Take it how you will. ^_^
Rabbit the Renegade's avatar

Wheezing Gawker

The problem is that I have no idea what this is meant to be.
Like Klaark said, if it's just for your own satisfaction, why does it need to sound a certain way?

It's been a while since I've been single, but usually when I start writing things like this, it means I need to get on with making a move. Writing this might feel therapeutic, but it's not. It's a band-aid, it's not tackling the real problem of needing to express how you feel. My advice is to just talk to him/her. Sure, there's a right time and a wrong time for things, but too many people sit around for some perfect moment that isn't going to come because they're scared. Chances are though, this person isn't going to be interested in someone who's too scared to make a move.

My big question is whether or not this is meant to be read by the other person. If it is, get rid of the lines like, "Does your fire burn bright?" This isn't anime, no one talks like that. No one sighs at the night sky to think about people either unless they're trying to force out some kind of cathartic experience that Fievel has made us think we're supposed to have.
Guardian Akuma's avatar

Quotable Genius

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It reads like a poem. I'm not a big fan of poems myself so that colors how I view this piece of writing but my best advice at this point would be to stay murky. Sometimes saying less is better. You want to show the reader and not tell. If this was a poem I'd say OK, fine. Since you're writing this as a normal form of writing, I'd say alter it so it actually sounds more like a conscious stream of thought. Trying reading some of William Faulkner's work to get a good idea of how this style is done. You have the makings for stream of consciousness, now you just need the refinement. The key to being a good writer is using subtlety and times and being obvious in others.
Naked Bacon's avatar

Dabbler

That sounds... invasive.
Fairy godmother?
Don't call a girl a puppet if you want her to date you.

This sounds way too silly. Start with a clear message and then make it "pretty" if you must.

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