bcuzno
(?)Community Member
Vicious Fatcat
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- Posted: Mon, 17 Nov 2014 09:57:50 +0000
Please do not be harsh with your criticism. Getting feedback and helpful tips would be nice, being an a*****e and criticizing would not be nice.
Background:
I've been rather sick for the past few weeks and I pushed this paper out while I was being ill, so it's not good but not bad. I'm revising because the final paper is due soon and I'd really love if some people could give me some feedback or ideas that can make this paper look and feel smoother.
I won't give you the entire paper, just a snip of what I have because I'm really only having a problem in the beginning.
My professor really wanted us to not look at it as a research but as a paper with information while feeling like it's a "day to day" talk.
Anyway, here it is.:
I asked my dad and about his and his family’s background to understand why he started drinking, and he had told me both his parents were alcoholics and he grew up thinking it was okay to drink. I began to wonder if his parents passed down genetically their drinking habits, so I began looking on Google to find some sort of answer to my questions and stumbled upon the website of National Institution on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. They spoke about genetics and alcohol and how there is a link between the two. In their words, they said, “Research shows that genes are responsible for about half of the risk for alcoholism.” What is the other half? Proceeding to read, it says, “genes alone do not determine whether someone will become an alcoholic. Environmental factors, as well as gene and environment interactions account for the remainder of the risk.” This seems to conclude that a person can prevent becoming an alcoholic by making choices that can benefit them in the long run (suggest as?). But I wondered statistically who has the greater chance to prevent alcoholism. Again, on the same website, they explain that “Whites and Native Americans have a greater risk for alcohol use disorders relative to other ethnic groups. However, once alcohol dependence occurs, Blacks and Hispanics experience higher rates than Whites of recurrent or persistent dependence. Furthermore, the consequences of drinking appear to be more profound for Native Americans, Hispanics, and Blacks.”
I feel like the last part really didn't make any sense and I wanna know a way to smooth that in the paragraph.
Anyway, thank you for your suggestions and whatnot!
Background:
I've been rather sick for the past few weeks and I pushed this paper out while I was being ill, so it's not good but not bad. I'm revising because the final paper is due soon and I'd really love if some people could give me some feedback or ideas that can make this paper look and feel smoother.
I won't give you the entire paper, just a snip of what I have because I'm really only having a problem in the beginning.
My professor really wanted us to not look at it as a research but as a paper with information while feeling like it's a "day to day" talk.
Anyway, here it is.:
I asked my dad and about his and his family’s background to understand why he started drinking, and he had told me both his parents were alcoholics and he grew up thinking it was okay to drink. I began to wonder if his parents passed down genetically their drinking habits, so I began looking on Google to find some sort of answer to my questions and stumbled upon the website of National Institution on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. They spoke about genetics and alcohol and how there is a link between the two. In their words, they said, “Research shows that genes are responsible for about half of the risk for alcoholism.” What is the other half? Proceeding to read, it says, “genes alone do not determine whether someone will become an alcoholic. Environmental factors, as well as gene and environment interactions account for the remainder of the risk.” This seems to conclude that a person can prevent becoming an alcoholic by making choices that can benefit them in the long run (suggest as?). But I wondered statistically who has the greater chance to prevent alcoholism. Again, on the same website, they explain that “Whites and Native Americans have a greater risk for alcohol use disorders relative to other ethnic groups. However, once alcohol dependence occurs, Blacks and Hispanics experience higher rates than Whites of recurrent or persistent dependence. Furthermore, the consequences of drinking appear to be more profound for Native Americans, Hispanics, and Blacks.”
I feel like the last part really didn't make any sense and I wanna know a way to smooth that in the paragraph.
Anyway, thank you for your suggestions and whatnot!
