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Beginning as a wimpy clumsy warrior was not easy for him. He began working on his life long dream: becoming the greatest warrior ever known.As years passed and little progress was made.He decided to find who could help him achieve his goal. He did just that, but not the way he imagined it.

Climbing a treacherous mountain he found his answer. A small hut was the only thing that resembled life on top of the mountain. Instantly and elderly man came out of the hut and seemed calm but at the same time surprised.The young warrior told the elderly man his vision and his lust for it to become true. After the conversation between the two was finished the elderly man with a grin in his face decided to help the young warrior.

Before the young warrior could agree the elderly man warned him of the consequences he would face if he were to agree. The young warrior was ignored the warnings. Understanding the commitment of the young warrior the elderly man then gathered all the ingredients needed for the ritual. Night fell as the elderly man was about to commence the ritual. Prepared the elderly man ordered the young warrior to stand in the center of a drawn circle surround with different unknown objects.

As he stood their the ritual began and the elderly man began dancing around him with a maraca shaped as a skull. the young warrior began to feel a strange feeling in his body and dropped to the floor. The young warrior fell unconscious and his mind in a blank state.He awoke to the strong ray of sunlight.

As he stood up he noticed his shadow and saw horned shaped objects on top of his head. he reached up and pulled them and was halted to his surprise.He also noticed his ears were longer and furry. He was shocked and shouted with anger out loud.The elderly man came out the hut with an unpleasant facial expression and reminded the young warrior of his warnings.The young warrior instantly charged the direction of the elderly man.Quickly the old man dodged him and the young warrior crashed into a large rock.The rock shattered into pieces.The young warrior was the only thing that stood."With great power comes great reponsibility" said the elderly man.The young warrior listend for a second and left without any trace.

The young warrior set out for his home.When he arrived people began screaming and running away from him."Beware of the beast" screamed the people.Trying frantically to make the people understand.He ran to where the people were,but with no luck. In the end the streets were empty and quiet.As he anger grew inside of him he threw a fist at the nearest thing which was a door.

He halted for a moment.As he saw inside the room he noticed it was an armor and weapon shop.Once inside he equiped himself with a red regal robe,boots, and a blade that looked like one of the finest ever made.A jar of black and red paint stood on the counter.The young warrior wiped both colors onto his face to resemble no emotions.As he headed for the door a young child passed through the door.The child turned to the directon of the young warrior and said "are you a monster"."No, I am ikkiteru shadow" said the young warrior and leaped over the young child and left the village not knowing when he would be back.(To be continued)
Rotsab M. Hyolf's avatar

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And?

Were you hoping for critique, just readers, somewhere to post your work?

Why start it with 'Not one of my best writings;' to dissuade people from reading?

Why the obnoxious red font and lack of proper spacing?
RADI0 Mouse's avatar

Shirtless Wench

I know my favourite quote says "writing is easy, just stare at a blank piece of paper until blood forms on your forehead", but I never knew blood could be bled onto the Internet.


All I see is a red blob. There's "writing" in that?
No need to be rude about it guys. But yes the red font is a bit off-putting. Also, try to be more detailed in your writing. This is all very vague. Explain more about his journey, what the people look like, their personalities. It makes it easier to read and relate to.
Marionetteer's avatar

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Rotsab M. Hyolf
And?

Were you hoping for critique, just readers, somewhere to post your work?

Why start it with 'Not one of my best writings;' to dissuade people from reading?

Why the obnoxious red font and lack of proper spacing?


Thank you for all the pointers.

I prefer critiques and readers, but I also wanted everyone to see my work.

Red font was for glamour, but now I see color has no meaning to the writing.

The statement "Not one of my best writings" was to make the reader understand that i am capable

of writing more adequately.

That being said I am not inferring that the writing was written with no thought.

The spacing could be blamed on me. neutral
Marionetteer's avatar

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Red font is gone. smile
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Andergrae
No need to be rude about it guys. But yes the red font is a bit off-putting. Also, try to be more detailed in your writing. This is all very vague. Explain more about his journey, what the people look like, their personalities. It makes it easier to read and relate to.


Rude how? When?
Marionetteer's avatar

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The reason for this is because I wanted to show what I had so far.I should have written the story with more thought and with more detail.Which would of made the writing more mind setting.
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_ikkiteru_shadow_
The reason for this is because I wanted to show what I had so far


The problem with that is we care barely see it.
Craven Sapphire's avatar

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I think it's an interesting idea. 3nodding However, it is very hard to read without proper spacing and punctuation. stare
Marionetteer's avatar

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Thank you smile
Now i need to work on the story(which is like a bumpy road) and how it unravels. Also need to work on the punctuation which is on progress.
RADI0 Mouse's avatar

Shirtless Wench

There is no such thing as a "wimpy clumsy warrior".

There is a wimpy, clumsy trainee, but not a warrior. Warriors wouldn't let someone that weak take their name or status.

Also, the whole "guru at the top of the mountain" who can be surprised yet calm at the same time... That's all... so done before. Over done. And there's nothing in your little story that makes it seem different.

Content aside (and content is not good - regardless if you can write "more eloquently", it's not good), there is a ton of work to be done, my friend.

Commas. You're missing them.
Repetition and redundancies. You have them in abundance.
Over-used or falls-flat-on-its-face-trying-to-be-important lines. You're doing it right.

Tons of typos/errors/just plain wrongs in here.
"Instantly and elderly" - I get you like the contradictions, but how can one be at once an instant and the same time elderly?
Scratch that - how can one be "instant"?... Just add water and poof! - a wild old man appears?


Going back to content - describe to us the ritual in more detail. Don't just tell us about it in passing - bring us there. Let us see this young and foolish boy's transformation into a hasty, burly monster.
Develop him into something more than just pixels floating on some internet whitespace - make him a character, a being, a warrior.

And make the elderly old man more than just some convenience store for magical transformations. One does not become a guru by transforming weaklings into hellish beasts overnight, you see.

Also, I'm sure that a hulking beast could be beside something more than what just happens to be a door. What if it is a door, and he puts his fist through it. I think you can afford to be a bit more certain in what he's thrusting his limbs through.

Also, his hometown has just branded him a monster and have flown from him - is he really just gonna hop off into the sunset and be all quietly angsty like that?


Really, now, that's just a weak beast, that is.
Marionetteer's avatar

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RADI0 Mouse
There is no such thing as a "wimpy clumsy warrior".

There is a wimpy, clumsy trainee, but not a warrior. Warriors wouldn't let someone that weak take their name or status.

Also, the whole "guru at the top of the mountain" who can be surprised yet calm at the same time... That's all... so done before. Over done. And there's nothing in your little story that makes it seem different.

Content aside (and content is not good - regardless if you can write "more eloquently", it's not good), there is a ton of work to be done, my friend.

Commas. You're missing them.
Repetition and redundancies. You have them in abundance.
Over-used or falls-flat-on-its-face-trying-to-be-important lines. You're doing it right.

Tons of typos/errors/just plain wrongs in here.
"Instantly and elderly" - I get you like the contradictions, but how can one be at once an instant and the same time elderly?
Scratch that - how can one be "instant"?... Just add water and poof! - a wild old man appears?


Going back to content - describe to us the ritual in more detail. Don't just tell us about it in passing - bring us there. Let us see this young and foolish boy's transformation into a hasty, burly monster.
Develop him into something more than just pixels floating on some internet whitespace - make him a character, a being, a warrior.

And make the elderly old man more than just some convenience store for magical transformations. One does not become a guru by transforming weaklings into hellish beasts overnight, you see.

Also, I'm sure that a hulking beast could be beside something more than what just happens to be a door. What if it is a door, and he puts his fist through it. I think you can afford to be a bit more certain in what he's thrusting his limbs through.

Also, his hometown has just branded him a monster and have flown from him - is he really just gonna hop off into the sunset and be all quietly angsty like that?


Really, now, that's just a weak beast, that is.




Wow

Most people would take this as an insult.(but i am not)

Yet it is the truth to the writing.

I know a couple things or everything is lame and
misused in the writing.

I like how you changed "wimpy clumsy warrior" to "wimpy,clumsy trainee"

It could be like a transformation from trainee to warrior.

Their is many useful information on your post i will use.

Thank you for your critiques.
RADI0 Mouse's avatar

Shirtless Wench


          Most people would, and I'm glad you're not - it's a sign that you might actually be able to do this thing.

          It is a transformation, so far as I can see. He's a weakling, not yet a warrior. He has dreams of being one, gets a guru spell and there ya go! Warrior.

          You're more than welcome. If you've got any other questions, let me know.
If you want honest critique:

Fix up all your punctuation and grammar. I only read the first two lines and I already picked up 3 errors.

The writing style is also very simplistic and melodramatic.

If you take our comments to heart and keep correcting yourself, eventually you'll get used to it and will improve.

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