The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2292 ]
I add new things.	14.9%	[ 1951 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.6%	[ 8852 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13095 ]

[Beloved Winecask]

If one of your characters wears a muffler, they must be angsty and have a horrible past. And the muffler should always be gently waving in the wind, unless they're being super-evil, at which point it begins to crack around like a whip.

[Axioma]

What's a muffler?

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

Isn't it a type of scarf?

[Beloved Winecask]

I'd show you, if I had a picture. But yeah, it's a scarf-ish thing.

[Rid V]

Zana-chan

-Remember: nobody dies instantly, no matter how bad the wound. Not without a monologue first. This is especially true when a good guy dies. After being stabbed through the heart, they must then fall into the arms of their beloved BUT they do NOT die until they have confessed their love, revealed a secret/discovery that conviently forwards the plot, and/or ask for revenge for their death and request that they not be forgotten, etc., etc. Once they've had said everything they needed to, then they may die. Also remember just because a character dies, that does not mean they cannot come back! Have the other characters travel through time to prevent the death or use magic to bring the character back to life. Or, have the dead character come back as a spirit or ghost to aid and provide moral support for the living characters.

((You're a freaking telepath. *furiously rewrites next entry* There, that's better, no overlapping.))

This is known as the Deathbed Dialogue Mark 1™. All other semi-important character deaths must be accompanied by the Deathbed Dialogue 2™, which occurs between the dying character and another character who has some special attachment to her/him/it. The Mark 2 Dialogue will go something like this:

Character A (not dying): “No, you can’t go, you can’t die! It’ll be all right, help is on the way! Character C will be able to heal this gaping hole in your chest. You’ve just got to hold on. You can’t leave us! We need you! I need you! *sobs*”
Character B: “No, no, it’s all right. My time has come. Don’t worry, it’s just fine. Take care of yourself, and the others, they’ll need your help. I promise, I’ll always be there for you, even though you’ll never be able to tell, or even remember. There, there, everything will be all … right … *croaks*”
Character A: “Noooooo!”

Some followup thoughts on a previous post:

Quote:

Sacrifice of one’s life is the first, last, and best way of redeeming a character’s past wrongdoings, if said wrongdoings are in any way substantial (or even claimed to be substantial). Seriously, there is nothing else that will serve, and even if there were it couldn’t possibly be as good, let alone better. This is one of the few cases where resurrection absolutely should not be used. They have to stay dead, no matter what.

Note that this holds true for characters whose only wrongdoing is being unpleasant/arrogant/stuck-up, or something similar.

In fact, this rule can (in fact, must) be extended to people who pretend to be heroes (whether conning or just acting). If they’re good people, then they must get their chance to be heroes for real, and it only counts if they manage to get themselves killed in the process.

And that brings me to another point: all heroic characters (minor or major) experience a moment of profound understanding, of themselves and of the universe, tapping into their potential like never before, and feeling totally at peace, again with the themselves and with the universe (probably for the first time) … just before they die.

Any minor character who gets in a fight and takes a substantial amount of damage is sure to die before the end of the scene. Major characters can survive that kind of stuff (and a lot worse, of course) but that’s only natural. Narrative Causality people, Narrative Causality.

And now for something completely different:

Any character who gets mistaken for someone else (for whatever reason) will feel obligated to impersonate the character they are mistaken for, even though they know absolutely nothing about her/him, or what s/he is supposed to be doing. Needless to say, this impersonation must get the character carrying on the charade in hot water in as little time as possible.

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

Remember, there are only two types of readers: People that like your book, and people too stupid to get how deep and wonderful it is.

[Zana Bonanza]

Rid V

Character A (not dying): “No, you can’t go, you can’t die! It’ll be all right, help is on the way! Character C will be able to heal this gaping hole in your chest. You’ve just got to hold on. You can’t leave us! We need you! I need you! *sobs*”
Character B: “No, no, it’s all right. My time has come. Don’t worry, it’s just fine. Take care of yourself, and the others, they’ll need your help. I promise, I’ll always be there for you, even though you’ll never be able to tell, or even remember. There, there, everything will be all … right … *croaks*”
Character A: “Noooooo!”

Yes, that's the perfect way to write a deathbed dialogue. To make it even better, though, try adding more 'o's when Character A cries out 'No!' for a more dramatic effect, such as "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" Extra exclaimation points help too and if your "No!" is so long hat it continues onto the next line(s), then give yourself a pat on the back.

More on self-sacrifice:
As you should already know, the only way a perfect hero can become even more heroic is by sacrificing their life for the good of the planet/all mankind/the hot damesel in distress. The hero should not have any hesitations or second thoughts when it comes to self-sacrifice, because true heros are completely selfless, brave, and never afraid to die. The best time for the hero to die is during the last great battle with the main villian, who must almost die. (The main villians must always die, duh.)

In fact, if you really want to make it good, have the hero kill the villian first, then die immediately afterwards (or rather, immediately after Deathbed Dialogue has taken place) from wounds recieved from the villian. This way, they both kill each other! That's drama and action, or, what we in the writer's world like to call, Dramaction.

Of course, just because the villian's dead, doesn't mean the good guys have won yet. Right when everyone thinks the world is saved, introduce the late villian's son/daughter/evil-lord-in-training and have them throw the world into chaos once more, so that the late hero died in vain. I mean, come on, everyone knows that happy endings are so last year!

However, remember the previously mentioned rule: the good guys must always win. That means a new hero must rise to the occasion and save the world like his predesecessor (almost) did. It may sound like a chore, but hello! Sequel oppurtunity!

((I apologize for any spelling mistakes I may have/most certainly made in this post. Without a spellcheck, I'm hopeless. sweatdrop ))

[borderline_mary]

(More on self-sacrifice smile

*Self-sacrifice is always deliberate, even if unplanned (i.e., leaping in front of a friend to take a bullet). Furthermore, it is always noble and necessary. Characters never end up sacrificing themselves because they're stupid, suicidal, have failed to plan ahead, or have tripped over their shoelace.

*Self-sacrifice is to be RESPECTED. No exceptions. Your other characters are not under any circumstances to remember the dead character with anything other than angsty gratitiude for their selfless act. I mean, obviously this ties in with the first point -- since it's always noble, there's no reason to be mad at the dead character.

*When someone is bleeding a great deal, they WILL die, excluding some miracle or unexpected circumstances. Physical shock is a myth; stopping the bleeding will never work.

*Self-sacrifices always work. If the hero(ine) gives his/her life in order to save his/her friends, they will unerringly be saved; this ploy never fails, which is why you can always resort to it if you can't figure out how to get your characters out of the horrible situation in which you stuck them six chapters back.

*When a character is dying, they will remain conscious up until the moment of death. Characters do not lose consciousness before dying, which would spoil their Dying Monologue, no matter how bad their injuries are.


{{Forgot this one}}

*If there is a Dying Monologue, that character must never actually live through the experience. Monologuing is the surest sign that the character is doomed. If they were going to live, it wouldn't be as dramatic.

[Naziria]

Tears must always be crystaline. That or crystal clear, "like glittering dimonds" will also work. The fact that most people have murky tears due to the enzymes they contain can be casually overlooked. After all, the crying character - most usually the hero or the love interest - is "speshul". The lack of enzymes and anti-bacterial agents in their tears will never lead to eye infections. Ever.

On the rare occasion that the Evil Evil Villain sheds a tear, it has the right to be murky, perhaps black or acid green. Speaking of that, it must be acidic too, and burn holes in the ground. Never bother yourself to consider why such acid never burnt holes in your villain.

On a different note, never forget that whatever different races you have in the fantacy world, they can, and must, interbreed. Want a half dragon? No problems there, needless to think of how it was actially conceived. Your mermaids lay eggs? Great! There will certainly be no problems with the birth of your half-memaid heroine. And heroine it must be, we all know mermaids can never be male.

[borderline_mary]

Naziria

Tears must always be crystaline. That or crystal clear, "like glittering dimonds" will also work. The fact that most people have murky tears due to the enzymes they contain can be casually overlooked. After all, the crying character - most usually the hero or the love interest - is "speshul". The lack of enzymes and anti-bacterial agents in their tears will never lead to eye infections. Ever.

On the rare occasion that the Evil Evil Villain sheds a tear, it has the right to be murky, perhaps black or acid green. Speaking of that, it must be acidic too, and burn holes in the ground. Never bother yourself to consider why such acid never burnt holes in your villain.

On a different note, never forget that whatever different races you have in the fantacy world, they can, and must, interbreed. Want a half dragon? No problems there, needless to think of how it was actially conceived. Your mermaids lay eggs? Great! There will certainly be no problems with the birth of your half-memaid heroine. And heroine it must be, we all know mermaids can never be male.

And, as we all know, interbreeding produces GORGEOUS offspring. They will be sex gods/goddesses, with only the most attractive features of both races. Half-dragons will never have vestigal wings or serpent-like jaws, and half-mermaids will never have webbed hands or scales on their faces. They will be 99% human in appearance, and all attributes of their other heritage will either be purely cosmetic or wicked cool and useful, like functional wings or the ability to shapeshift. Plus this is a really good excuse to give your character those luminous purple eyes you've always wanted them to have.....

[Mademoiselle Kit]

What have we learned from Indiana Jones? You can NEVER outwit the Nazis. But, you can shoot them in the head.

Need more comedy? Add a gender-swapping/crossdressing/gay character. It always makes people laugh.

Swords will always beat guns. Especially if your main character is holding one. Also, your main character manages to PWN everyone with said sword, even in the face of highly advanced weaponry.

(Did I mention the sword is always a katana? Or a broadsword, if you feel like something different. Come on, no foils, cutlasses, or other pointy pieces of metal were ever used to PWN anyone!)

[Zana Bonanza]

-The main character only needs two real friends. To be fair and unoffensive, one of them has to be a girl (but not romantically invovled with the MC) and sometimes it's even good to make the boy a minority too, but it is not necessary. (For example, the perfect trio of friends usually consists of one white male (MC), one black male, and one white female. Please note that the female can never be black/other, because that would be two minorities in one and you don't want to over do it.)
--In the trio, the MC's male friend should be used mainly for comic relief and male bonding moments. The MC's female friend should be "the smart, responsible one". The MC himself should gifted, brave, and angsty. Also make sure that he listens to/follows the advice of Goofy-SideKick Male Friend more often than he does Smart-Knows Better Female Friend. Because all guys are just like that.
---The Trio may have other friends, but they can only be very close friends with those within their Trio.

-Never forget that minor characters are expendable! Kill off any/all family, friends, and aquaintances of the MC as the story progresses to add some extra angst and vengence-fuled movitation to your character. However, never, EVER kill anyone in the Trio, the MC (save that for the end!), or any of the bad guys (again, not until the end).

-The Trio can get into loads of trouble, but never recieve any extreme punishments for it because the MC is too important to punish severly, and all the trouble they cause is done for the eventual good of mankind and therefore renders the trouble null and void.

-The MC should be an orphan, who's parents were killed by the Main Villian. (Because who else would kill them?) He should then live with the cruel and uncaring members of his Extended Family who do not love him. In fact, because they are so cruel, the Extended Family should make him live in a closet, wear hand-me-down clothes, eat leftovers, and generally mistreat him at any able moment. This will earn the reader's sympathy for him. Besides, it's not like there's such a thing as nice foster homes, or social workers to stop this sort of thing! (Anyone who tells you differently is a liar!)

-There should always be a prophecy of some sort involving--you guessed it!--your MC. People can't just decide to be a hero, after all--it has to be pre-destined.

-The MC should have a mean spirited rival. Said Rival must be rich, snobby, and flanked by two Mindless Lackeys at all times. Don't go through the trouble to explain why the Rival is this way and hates the MC--none of that's important. The MC just needs someone evil-ish about to deal with when the Main Villian isn't around.

-The Main Villian, despite being a grown adult and supposedly more powerful than the MC, should never, ever best said MC. No matter how many times he tries--no, not even if he tries seven times!--should he defeat the MC. This goes along with the above mentioned rule that good guys always win. Yes, even when the good guys are a bunch of teenagers.

-As you should already know, the MC needs to angst a lot. Everyone loves it when characters angst! Instead of thinking out his problems or getting over his bitter past, just save yourself the trouble and your character a brain (cuz we all know that brains do nothing but weigh you down) and have him angst! (Besides, he can always rely on his friends to save all his problems for him.) You know what? Go ahead and make the MC a borderline-emo while you're at it! The more angst, the better!


((Please note that any similiarities between this given information and the Harry Potter series/several TV shows is strictly coincidental and no I do not have my fingers have my fingers crossed. ^_^))

[Zana Bonanza]

The Kitsune Hanyou

What have we learned from Indiana Jones?

Every place you go has booby traps! If your character even picks up a rock in any dark, creppy temple/ruin, without a doubt, a gaint boulder is going to come rolling after him.

(( mrgreen ))

[borderline_mary]

Zana-chan

((Please note that any similiarities between this given information and the Harry Potter series/several TV shows is strictly coincidental and no I do not have my fingers have my fingers crossed. ^_^))

{{ rofl }}

The Kitsune Hanyou

What have we learned from Indiana Jones?

If the main character has a signature piece of equipment, a signature weapon, or a signature accesory, this item is indestructible, impossible to lose, and never gets dirty. And it also looks wicked cool.

[Axioma]

But it can get taken away from you. In which case it will be placed very conveniently where you can retrieve it and now everyone thinks you don't HAVE your signature whatever.