[ Poll ] The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.		17.2%	[ 1670 ]
I add new things.		15.2%	[ 1480 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).		67.6%	[ 6567 ]

Total Votes: 9717

[Tavreynya]

Trixa Pyswell

If the hero/heroine has a best friend of the opposite sex, they WILL fall in love.
It's just how it goes.

EDIT: But of course they wont realise that before the hero(ine) has been sleeping and 'almost in love' with some handsome person.

On the other hand, if the hero(ine) has a best friend of the same sex and they're both straight, they will fall in love with the same person. The hero(ine) will always win this person's affections, however, causing jealousy and feuding, but eventually the best friend will realize the error of their ways and make a sappy speech about how you can't force someone to love you.

If one of them is gay, it will be the best friend, and they will fall in love with the hero(ine). Their feelings will be unrequited.

[Trixa Pyswell]

Tavreynya

Trixa Pyswell

If the hero/heroine has a best friend of the opposite sex, they WILL fall in love.
It's just how it goes.

EDIT: But of course they wont realise that before the hero(ine) has been sleeping and 'almost in love' with some handsome person.

On the other hand, if the hero(ine) has a best friend of the same sex and they're both straight, they will fall in love with the same person. The hero(ine) will always win this person's affections, however, causing jealousy and feuding, but eventually the best friend will realize the error of their ways and make a sappy speech about how you can't force someone to love you.

If one of them is gay, it will be the best friend, and they will fall in love with the hero(ine). Their feelings will be unrequited.

Naturally. O:

[Tavreynya]

The main character must have a long-lost sister/brother/childhood-friend-they-haven't-seen-in-years. This person must resurface at some point in the story, probably as the main villain or an insanely powerful ally. Right before they appear, you should have the main character start saying "hmm, I wonder what happened to so-and-so." This will make your audience wonder too.

[Trixa Pyswell]

There's always two people in love with the beautiful heroine, and she'll fall in love with the wrong guy.
But in the very end he turns out to be a b*****d and she falls in love with the other one, who's perfect in every way, but is misunderstood.
They get married and have children.
And they'll live happily ever after.

[Kiriatana]

Use the same word five times or more on the same page.

[Kiriatana]

Tavreynya

The main character must have a long-lost sister/brother/childhood-friend-they-haven't-seen-in-years. This person must resurface at some point in the story, probably as the main villain or an insanely powerful ally. Right before they appear, you should have the main character start saying "hmm, I wonder what happened to so-and-so." This will make your audience wonder too.

lol

[Tavreynya]

Kiriatana

Use the same word five times or more on the same page.

...But this word cannot be "said." The word "said" is evil. Never use it.

[Khalista]

((Looove this thread.))

While the characters will spend most of the book shagging like bunnies, you must never have any actual bunnies shagging. Or any other animals, for that matter. They are all asexual and must reproduce by budding or something.

If you villain is female, she is either a gorgeous, ageless sorceress or an ancient crone disgusing herself as a gorgeous woman. Whichever the case is, the hero will be the only male ever who doesn't succumb to her charms. He, of course, will resist her entirely, because his love for the heroine is so strong.

[timechaser]

Tavreynya

Kiriatana

Use the same word five times or more on the same page.

...But this word cannot be "said." The word "said" is evil. Never use it.

"Murmured" is infinitely better.

[Tavreynya]

Khalista

If you villain is female, she is either a gorgeous, ageless sorceress or an ancient crone disgusing herself as a gorgeous woman. Whichever the case is, the hero will be the only male ever who doesn't succumb to her charms. He, of course, will resist her entirely, because his love for the heroine is so strong.

The love between the hero and heroine will always be commented upon by random old people. Everyone calls it "beautiful," "pure," etc.

At first, the hero and heroine bicker nonstop. This is the most opportune time for random old people to note that they are a cute couple.

[oneia]

((Love this thread! I was thinking about a top 100 cliches thread the other day 3nodding This works!))

For the love of god, you never want to give your character personalities that are more twisted than a labrynth. Make them simple, then the readers can understand the character much easier..
..unless its the hero, or possibly heroine, that way they can have the angsty past that comes to bite them in the a** in the end.

All races must stay in their element. Elves stick with the forest and are rangers and sometimes spellcasters, dwarves stick underground and hate to come out, humans are barbarians who managed to get somewhat as civilized as elves have, with the exception of the few good-hearted humans who want to change the world for good.

Descriptions of settings must be elaborate and take up at least 3-4 pages long, so the readers know exactly which golden embellished pot is sitting on what white oak table.

When the hero meets a woman who's beautiful, he must fall in love or lust with her, despite the fact he left his pregnant wife/fiance/girlfriend back home..
..this can be reconciled when the beautiful woman dies or when the wife/fiance/girlfriend turns out not to be pregnant anymore and comes to fight alongside her lover.

Someone close to the hero/ine MUST die. And at the end of the book, there is always a way to bring them back to life.

Plot-holes were created for a reason! Use them!

Prophecies and curses and the like set the wheels of stories in motion! Always use a prophecy or curse or something of the like somewhere in your stories, as it will be the sole reason that the hero/ine goes on his/her quest- even if she wasn't the questing type before.

The cast shall always be the following: hero, healer (sometimes the pretty woman sidekick), lazy a** (sometimes the comedian), comedian (if its not the lazyass), ranger (sometimes the archer as well), pretty woman sidekick (if its not the healer), archer (if the ranger isn't an archer as well).

Any healers in the story/group must be female or effemminate men.

Any villians or sources of evil must be dark and foreboding, or so alluring that everyone who nears it goes into a state of confused/bewilderment.. except for the hero (as noted in some posts before this one).

[Tavreynya]

The hero's force of will is superhuman. He is simply not subject to any enchantments whatsoever, even if said enchantment could make a god get down on his knees and beg for mercy.

[timechaser]

Talk about the heroine's hair and eyes in excessively poetic terms. Said hair and eyes must never be brown. Purple eyes are good. Use them whenever possible.

[Tavreynya]

timechaser

Talk about the heroine's hair and eyes in excessively poetic terms. Said hair and eyes must never be brown. Purple eyes are good. Use them whenever possible.

I actually do have a female lead (not really a heroine) with purple eyes... sweatdrop I started writing the story before I came online and started to realize how cliched it was, and now I'm too stubborn to change it. xd

Back on-topic: You can tell absolutely anything about anyone by looking into their eyes. The rest of the face is totally useless, because everyone's eyes are just that expressive.

[Lea Fealith]

To make things more poetic, use phrases such as this. "Long slim fingers brushed through golden locks." Never use the actual characters as subjects for your sentences. That's just not cool.

Don't use things like 'he' 'she' 'the boy' or anything else boring. Make sure we know excactly who you are talking about ever time by using as many adjectives and odd nouns as possible. The way people identify others is by their eyes, so make sure that's the first thing you describe, and from then on you can just refer to them by that. 'The blue eyed youth' is so much better than say, Paul.

Don't bother letting your readers figure things out for themselves. Make sure everything is completely explained in every way, so that the character's actions don't have to justify themselves and they can do whatever they want. It's not good to leave readers wondering why, or even how.

Nobody likes truely evil characters unless they are inhuman monsters, and even then they must have some /reason/ for being evil. Make sure that even the most insignifigant henchman has some traumatic background that will explain why he'd ever want to hurt your radiant hero/heroine.

No matter what, as long as your heros are pigheaded enough and don't give up, people will start to become good/ believe in themselves/ stop being depressed/ etc...