The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2292 ]
I add new things.	14.9%	[ 1951 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.6%	[ 8852 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13095 ]

[Sergeant Sargent]

The clothes make the man. Never limit your fashion description to less than nine paragraphs! Don't forget jewelry and pericings. Even hair ties need to be presented in vivid detail. The reader needs to know how cool your charecter dresses, because after all, heros are liked more when they dress like Neo from the Matrix.

Along these lines, every girl in your story should be dressed in a halter top and mini-skirt. All men must be adorned in baggy jeans and trench coats, either with scars or sun glasses for accessory. Long hair is acceptable for males (if they are also uber sexy) but short and spikey is standard. Readers love it when a charecter dyes their hair odd colors, like purple or blue or green. Pink is only acceptable for women. There should never be a single fat/ugly person in your story, even the homeless and mentally ill should have a mug like Brad Pitt.

If any shonen-ai is present in your story, your male leads must be having hot man sex, or talking about hot man sex, on every other page. Your readers love to know about your bed room skills, so be sure to use grotesque detail in every single one of your love scenes. Squishy noises inculded. Your reader is bored by meaningful romance so always cut straight to the porn.

(Fun Fact: I ********' love this thread. xd )

[Sergeant Sargent]

A note to introductions:

If you don't know where to begin a story, have the main charecter sitting idlely in a tree. Its one of the most orgional scenes you can write. In fact its so origional everyone does it: so it must be good!

The main charecter should always look sad in the begining. If they aren't sad, they should be jumping around and screaming happily, or shooting rubber bands at tourists.

[Veive]

MinionRipley

Veive

MinionRipley

You should also give more attention to the sick than to the ones who must take care of the sick. The emotional turmoil of others only comes when the person dies from the disease, not while he is still sick.

Best RP scene I have ever done, currently?

My character taking care of her guardian, who has become violently feverish.

I meant that as in that the caretakers are like little 2D nurse-servants, never minding even the tiniest bit that they spend a good deal of their day hovering over a sickly friend. Sorry if I offended. sweatdrop

XD nonono, I agree with you.

I adore playing the caretaker.

[Minion Ripley]

Veive

MinionRipley

Veive

MinionRipley

You should also give more attention to the sick than to the ones who must take care of the sick. The emotional turmoil of others only comes when the person dies from the disease, not while he is still sick.

Best RP scene I have ever done, currently?

My character taking care of her guardian, who has become violently feverish.

I meant that as in that the caretakers are like little 2D nurse-servants, never minding even the tiniest bit that they spend a good deal of their day hovering over a sickly friend. Sorry if I offended. sweatdrop

XD nonono, I agree with you.

I adore playing the caretaker.

Phew! Just wasn't sure there for a bit.

[Steeple333]

You absolutely must impose your worldview on your readers. If they didn't want that, they wouldn't have read your story. =D

Also, if have at least one (preferably more, and thus gratuidous) gay couple. A beautiful, tragic, male couple. =D

[ChocolatePandora]

shoddy and/or cliched descriptions and places are your friend. what, you can't think of a city to put the elves in? put them in a forest! put the houses in the trees! and call it __lorien or ___del, that's sure to hook your readers.

If your hero is gay, he must be stereotypical. Don't worry about giving him depth! come on, he's GAY for crying out loud! What more do you need?

God help you if you have a Princess who is Determined to be a Good Princess, and not in the Damsel-in-Distress way.

Heaven forbid your mage be a physically-fit man or an (even slightly!) unattractive woman. Because everyone knows that you can't be magical and physically normal!

*this thread is boss*

[Gemini the Spy]

No worlds except Earth or any worlds you're coppying (bonus points if you do that) can have any culture, or if they do, if must be exactly like the culture wherever you live and be like that all around the world. Who cares if they've been isolated since the dawn of time?

Your main character must never be hurt, wounded, killed, or wrong. After all, they're you, the all mighty writer, if only you had super uber powers.

[ChocolatePandora]

Raincrow

When traveling for long periods of time in the wilderness, there is absolutely no chance any of the male characters (especially--heaven forbid!--the hero) can grow beards. Their hair also never grows, and is always neat and orderly. Sucks to brushing your hair in the morning!

Always keep in mind: All blacksmiths are gigantic, unless they're dwarves. On the same note, all blacksmiths are grouchy, unless they're actually just misunderstood and gentle as teddy-bears. All blacksmiths are old and have graying/grizzled hair and long beards. And their clothes are always threadbare or rough-woven, or made of leather/animal hide.

All blacksmiths/large male characters/dwarves must swear fluently, and speak in Scottish/Irish/Unintelligible accents. They should also randomly spout advice or old folk proverbs such as, "No use breakin' yer shin on a stool tha's no' in yer way."

The big guy/blacksmith is always stupid, unless he's actually very smart but very quiet and shy. They're also really thoughtful and sensitive, unless said blacksmith/dwarf/big guy is a total crank nomatter what's happening. Blacksmiths always know more than they let on. They also have a high alcohol tolerence (but, of course, can't beat the Hero(ine) at a drinking contest).

The blacksmith must only be loyal to the heroine/healer girl/female mage/priestess, and be bent on protecting her nomatter what. This is probably because he's secretly in love with her but knows someone so shining and beautiful could never love someone as big and hairy as him. Make him sacrifice himself for her, so she can angst endlessly about how she never paid attention to him. Also, the blacksmith hates taking orders from the Clueless Hero and gets told off constantly for it, because seriously, how could a big, hairy, muscle-laced man who is twice the age of the Clueless Hero know any more about the world than the next guy?

As a final note, it will always make your plot a jillion times better if your female lead has some memento (preferrably a locket or necklace) from her mother/father/grandparent/friend's sister's cousin's brother-in-law's roommate's uncle's ex-wive's ferret named Frankey. She will NEVAR part with this memento, and it will usually end up having SUPER MAGICKAL POWERZ!!11one!1! and saving the day when it seems all is lost. And then the heroine should leave the memento on the grave of some deceased party member/family member/friend at the very very end. But then it won't really be the end, because, by putting the necklace on the headstone, the magickal powerz suddenly brought the person back to life! And they all live happily evar after and spawn hundreds of little Sue babies with UBER MAGICKAL TALENTS, leaving convenient room for a sequel. 3nodding

you thought about that blacksmith thing a lot, didn't you?

[ChocolatePandora]

Birdbrain

SoulLostOnEarth

Tavreynya

Lotun

And remember this, aliens are always hideous or completely human save for the tails or strange eyes. And remember, no matter how many light years they live away from Earth, they always know how to speak English AND they are masters of kung-fu. Not only that, but they know EVERYTHING about Earthling culture, even though they've just heard of it.

So true... xd

...Wait a minute. Everyone is a master of kung-fu. Including noncorporeal entities.

heck! two years old are masters of kung-fu! and they all carry gigantice swords. everyone has a sword! even the smiling old ladies feeding pigeons in the park!

And the swords never break. Ever.

nor do they tarnish, blunt, or need cleaning. because along with that Magikal Super Awesumm Spell Enchantmen Thingy that Makes the Sword SOOOOOO liek uberly Powaful, it is self-cleaning, too.

[Raincrow]

ChocolatePandora

Raincrow

*snip*

you thought about that blacksmith thing a lot, didn't you?

I just got on a train of thought and kept going. Blacksmiths are all cliche and little else, after all. Which is why mine turned into a soldier. 3nodding

*feels loved for being quoted*

[Zoharial]

Raincrow

As a final note, it will always make your plot a jillion times better if your female lead has some memento (preferrably a locket or necklace) from her mother/father/grandparent/friend's sister's cousin's brother-in-law's roommate's uncle's ex-wive's ferret named Frankey. She will NEVAR part with this memento, and it will usually end up having SUPER MAGICKAL POWERZ!!11one!1! and saving the day when it seems all is lost. And then the heroine should leave the memento on the grave of some deceased party member/family member/friend at the very very end. But then it won't really be the end, because, by putting the necklace on the headstone, the magickal powerz suddenly brought the person back to life! And they all live happily evar after and spawn hundreds of little Sue babies with UBER MAGICKAL TALENTS, leaving convenient room for a sequel. 3nodding

Actually, magicalshinyOMG amulet from a mentor/guardian/relative/mysterious plot hole is a classical mythological element, as Joseph Campbell notes. That's why it turns up so often.
It's rarely used in a way that doesn't suck, of course.

[ChocolatePandora]

Raincrow

ChocolatePandora

Raincrow

*snip*

you thought about that blacksmith thing a lot, didn't you?

I just got on a train of thought and kept going. Blacksmiths are all cliche and little else, after all. Which is why mine turned into a soldier. 3nodding

*feels loved for being quoted*

feel the luurve! let it BURN!
kidding. but seriously? you pointed out ALL the blacksmith stereotypes i ever came across, which strikes me as sad. i hadn't realized how common they were...

[ChocolatePandora]

*dances* i have mo~ore!

Elven/Elvish/Elvin/Elvaan (however-the-hell you 'uniquely' spell-the-race) maidens are meant for frolicking naked in mountain brooks and streams in the middle of the night when the moon is out and displays their fine gorgeos pale skin. because, you know, mountain streams are only frigid during the day, and are heated at night. and backlit, too, apparently, so that every detail about their bodies is made readily and easily noticeable. +10 points if the hero sees said Elfy maiden frolicking. Bonus if she catches him but invites him to join instead of, say, becoming enraged that he would dare insult her maiden purity that is so vaunted when she has her clothes on.

The mage is twisted. ALWAYS. he must be into bondage, cutting, non-con or some other slanty practice because he is a bent, shrivelled little wraith of a man with no sex life other than harrassing priestesses and raising the sexual tension bar to past 100 when in the same room with other male characters.
If she is a sorceress, she must be Voluptuous, with a Kapitel V. and witty, and conniving, and out to kill the main female lead for DARING to be as pretty and witty as she. she also wants (this is previously mentioned numerous times) to steal the main male lead's heart, because even though he's half her age and has 1/4 her intelligence, she is madly obsessed with him. Bonus if she is a villainess. Kiss someone if she wears all black all the time, and dresses skankily, despite hating all men. + a ma-million-fa-fillion points if she is somehow related (looks-wise or clothing-wise) to any of the following animals: a cat. a snake. a hawk. if this is stated in every sentence used to describe her, then congratulations! your Sorceress couldn't possibly be less original. your fans will love her boobs. i mean, her.

The priestess, no matter how pure, must fall for someone dark and evil. because, you know, even though she's ruled her realm efficiently since she was eight, the moment she turns twenty and sees someone shady looking in a dark cape, she is madly in love (priestesses never lust) and her brains and reason go out the window.

The black chick is tough. Be she a berserker, a mage, a ship's captain, or just the random scary person thrown in for extra flavor, she can get a boob chopped off and will at most throw some salt the on wound, and keep on fighting. Because all black people are tough, when it comes to physical labor/pain! it's why they always fill the heavy-duty spots and never the easy ones. there are no black elves for a reason, right? --i mean, except the drow, and come ON! they like pain!

(( stare that last one is a stereotype i keep running across in books and movies. and then they go and give the woman a completely irrational fear, like mice or bugs *is disgusted* what berserker/sailing captain/sorceress is afraid of squeaking rodents or creeping insects? the same goes for the black people in the sheerly physical roles. you know--how in every other fantasy book there's a black barkeeper or a black blacksmith or a crew of black sailors? and they always either come from these countries whose names are mentioned maybe twice in the entire story and spelled differently both times. also, they have no culture. they smoke, swear, speak in unintelligible 'accents' and wear loud colors just because.
...where are the black elves?))
/rant.
that felt good!

[Oxxidation.2]

Quote:

...where are the black elves?))

Yar, those be the drow.

Pity that their species houses quite possibly one of the biggest Gary Stus of all time.

[Tavreynya]

Oxxidation.2

Quote:

...where are the black elves?))

Yar, those be the drow.

Pity that their species houses quite possibly one of the biggest Gary Stus of all time.

Yeah. Now everyone thinks they can have an angst-ridden "good" drow character in all their stories and still be considered original... Feh.