The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2292 ]
I add new things.	14.9%	[ 1951 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.6%	[ 8852 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13095 ]

[M00NEY]

In order to make immortal characters easier to connect with, have them be three thousand years old but "look only twenty."

Animals, particularly birds, should be used to carry messages. If you need to get a note to your true love, just strap it onto a pigeon's leg and it'll get there in no time.

Also, animals should be able to sense how the human characters are feeling. They always know when their owners are upset or frustrated and come to cheer them up or comfort them.

[Tavreynya]

M00NEY

Animals, particularly birds, should be used to carry messages. If you need to get a note to your true love, just strap it onto a pigeon's leg and it'll get there in no time.

Pigeons are infallible. They never get confused. They also never get eaten. This is because their natural enemies will leave them alone if they see a piece of paper tied to one.

[Lebki]

Tavreynya

M00NEY

Animals, particularly birds, should be used to carry messages. If you need to get a note to your true love, just strap it onto a pigeon's leg and it'll get there in no time.

Pigeons are infallible. They never get confused. They also never get eaten. This is because their natural enemies will leave them alone if they see a piece of paper tied to one.

Always.

And if your characters need to talk to each other, they can't simply call each other or fire off an e-mail. They must leave secret notes or plan to meet in a spooky place in the middle of the night.

[Ryu_chan]

Lebki

Tavreynya

M00NEY

Animals, particularly birds, should be used to carry messages. If you need to get a note to your true love, just strap it onto a pigeon's leg and it'll get there in no time.

Pigeons are infallible. They never get confused. They also never get eaten. This is because their natural enemies will leave them alone if they see a piece of paper tied to one.

Always.

And if your characters need to talk to each other, they can't simply call each other or fire off an e-mail. They must leave secret notes or plan to meet in a spooky place in the middle of the night.

Or, failing that, you can always have them communicate telepathicly or appear to one another in a dream.

[Triste Morningstar II]

Remember, ugly people don't find love. And if you don't have love, you're going to be freakin' miserable.

[timechaser]

Your readers will never get sick of all the romance, so make sure all your characters either pair up or die before the end.
Villains don't necessarily have to be included, but if you need to fill a romance quota, you can have them pair off too. But remember that villains never REALLY TRULY fall in love.

If you need to fill an angst quota, have all your romantic pairings go through horrible misunderstandings. So the hero caught the heroine giving some guy a hug, and now the hero says the heroine doesn't love him anymore, though the guy was really the heroine's long-lost brother. The hero must never ask, "who was that guy?" because that is way too straightforward and intelligent.

[Veive]

Even though your heroine or hero kicks a** at fighting (and you know they DO!), they are secretly reluctant to do it. They must cry over every dead body they see because it reminds them of the dark and bloody path they walk.

Also, villains are always villainous from the start. They kicked babies when they were teenagers. Or if they weren't, they're just victims and are misunderstood. Never does anyone completely and wholly turn depraved out of his own fault- if they do go down the Path of Evil because of their own desires, they're always saveable and/or have some spark of goodness left in them.

[Sergeant Sargent]

No one wants to get tangled up in fancy language. You should always keep your sentences short and dry, to the point. Forget metaphore! It doesn't have to sound pretty as long as you get the point across, right?

The best way to write a love scene is to have the two main charecters talk about love in every single line of diologue. They have to be literally obsessed with eachother. And its extreamly important that they be having sex in every other scene. Otherwise the audiance won't know they're in love!

Goth charecters are so cool. Everybody in a story should be anti-social.

Life's not fair, so who wants to read about some stupid happy ending? By the end of the book the main charecter, who has toiled, suffered, and cried his way through the book should die. He never had a hope of surviving anyway, as a matter of fact, he was kind of a dumbass from the start.

[Minion Ripley]

When death arrives in your story, the most attention should be given to the dying, not to those who care but are still alive.

The dying should be able to spit out whatever last confessions they have, even if he has a sword through his throat. Who ever heard of anatomy?

No, nothing disgusting happens after death. Rigor mortis, rotting, drooling, lack of bowel control, and all of those other icky things are just myths. Glazed eyes are the only physical effect of death for a long time, and then they turn to dust in an instant, leaving only a clean skeleton behind. The only reason you should ever get into realism in this area is to shock and amaze your readers with your uber knowledge of death.

Those who cared about the dead one should never be completely inconsolable after said death. This is especially true if it happens during battle; the most they are allowed are a few tears and a couple of weak shouts of the dead one's name before they hop back into the action, weapon ready and steady. If it's not during battle, you can up the grieving level to some sobs and moans. In any case, they'll all recover fully before the day is out.

No one should die from succumbing to a simple disease. No one should die while asleep either. Deaths must be exciting, horrific, and preferably sudden. Slow is only allowed for angst scenes, and "slow" is kept to a few days at most, definitely not years.

You should also give more attention to the sick than to the ones who must take care of the sick. The emotional turmoil of others only comes when the person dies from the disease, not while he is still sick.

Remember, OOC is your best friend when you need to make things happen. It's even better if you admit it in parentheses, but refuse to do anything to make your story flow more smoothly. Your readers will love your fiery, stubborn behavior, and they'll love it even more if you flame anyone who dares to defy you.

Anything that is of importance to the story that your characters must become aware of through a TV broadcast will appear the moment they turn it on or cast a glance at one. They must not have to flip channels, and they most certainly will not have to wait through a commerical break or deal with a "more information on this at 7 PM". Yes, TV is planned to your character's lives, not to the actual TV schedule.

If you are writing realistic fiction, but you find it lacking the excitement from fantasy fiction that you love so much, you can use the phrase "truth is stranger than fiction" to your advantage.

No one has excessive body hair except for dwarves and woodcutters. Same for facial hair, unless it's stylish facial hair.

Keep in mind that your characters are rebels. Thus, they shall never feel one bit self-conscious when they dress up in their awesome 21st-century clothing in an 18th-century time period. Besides, no one will actually look up the facts and find out such a thing as that zippers did not exist then.

The more spelling and grammar errors, the better. Your readers will love the challenge of deciphering your writing. In fact, just bring in your pet cat and let it attack your keyboard before you slap your story up on the 'net.

Slaves are actually treated with respect and never put through anything embarrassing. The title and chains are the only signs that they are slaves. The most they shall ever be forced to do is to give someone of the desired gender who is highly attractive a small kiss. I mean, why else would they be a slave other than that it's fun?

[Tavreynya]

MinionRipley

Slaves are actually treated with respect and never put through anything embarrassing. The title and chains are the only signs that they are slaves. The most they shall ever be forced to do is to give someone of the desired gender who is highly attractive a small kiss. I mean, why else would they be a slave other than that it's fun?

They can be beaten occasionally, but only if a) it's kinky, or b) you still need to fill your angst quota.

[Bookie]

Tavreynya

MinionRipley

Slaves are actually treated with respect and never put through anything embarrassing. The title and chains are the only signs that they are slaves. The most they shall ever be forced to do is to give someone of the desired gender who is highly attractive a small kiss. I mean, why else would they be a slave other than that it's fun?

They can be beaten occasionally, but only if a) it's kinky, or b) you still need to fill your angst quota.

If it's romance, the master easily removes himself from society's taboos and falls in love with the slave, and the slave never begrudges his slave status and falls in love with the master.

Slavery never comes with any psychological baggage. Nor does rape or torture or the like. One kiss from your lover cures all that in an instant.

[demagoguery]

MinionRipley

Anything that is of importance to the story that your characters must become aware of through a TV broadcast will appear the moment they turn it on or cast a glance at one. They must not have to flip channels, and they most certainly will not have to wait through a commerical break or deal with a "more information on this at 7 PM". Yes, TV is planned to your character's lives, not to the actual TV schedule.

Coming up next, a study of conveniently placed broadcasts in television. But first, Peter look out for that skateboard.

Don't forget that your main character must love to climb trees, or roofs, to look at the stars. Sunset or sunrise is better, but morning and afternoon are right out. Unless it is raining. Their eyes cannot well up with long held back tears if the sun is out.

Do make sure that your main character meets up with her lover at some point at a park in the rain. Swings are of vital importance, alhtough monkey bars might work.

[Veive]

MinionRipley

You should also give more attention to the sick than to the ones who must take care of the sick. The emotional turmoil of others only comes when the person dies from the disease, not while he is still sick.

Best RP scene I have ever done, currently?

My character taking care of her guardian, who has become violently feverish.

[demagoguery]

Never forget the power of righteous anger. Losing a battle? Just have the villain mention the hero's dead parents/lover/sibling. Immediately the hero will pull themselves up, slowly and dramatically (the villian is too stunned to do anything while this happens, like attack), and with a dramatic line your hero will reenter the fight. And win.

[Minion Ripley]

Veive

MinionRipley

You should also give more attention to the sick than to the ones who must take care of the sick. The emotional turmoil of others only comes when the person dies from the disease, not while he is still sick.

Best RP scene I have ever done, currently?

My character taking care of her guardian, who has become violently feverish.

I meant that as in that the caretakers are like little 2D nurse-servants, never minding even the tiniest bit that they spend a good deal of their day hovering over a sickly friend. Sorry if I offended. sweatdrop