[ Poll ] The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.		17.2%	[ 1693 ]
I add new things.		15.3%	[ 1505 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).		67.5%	[ 6640 ]

Total Votes: 9838

[Minion Ripley]

Whatever your characters are (warrior, ninja, elf, etc.), they are twenty-four-seven. They never need to change their armor, they never need to have an actual personality of their own, and they most certainly will never hide what they are. I mean, what's the point of acting normal? Your characters should use any and all chances to show off their uber-skillz!

None of your characters will have bad habits such as biting their nails, picking their noses, or cracking their knuckles. Smoking is the only bad habit that any of your characters can have.

Despite the fact that ninjas are trained specifically to be secretive and in disguise most of the time, they shall flaunt their ninja-ness whenever they can. Preferably, they should be dressed in dark colors and wield one-handed swords and daggers. They shall never make an effort to hide that they are ninjas for more than one minute.

There must be at least one super-genius or super-wise person on the good side of the story. This is so that none of your average-intelligent characters actually have to struggle to figure things out. Oh! Oh! I know - you can make the main character, who already has the Ultimate Weapon, Ultimate Powers, and Ultimate Past, the super-genius of the group. Don't worry, no one will ever question why your character is so special and no one else is.

Remember, everyone, stereotypes are your best friends when writing.

Do you feel your story is lacking coolness? No worries! Just dress all of your characters in tons of black and leather, switch their names around so they're all Japanese, and have lots of smart-a** attitude, and you'll find your story skyrocketing towards #1 in no time.

All dragons can switch between human and dragon forms. They are also always uber-sexy when in human form.

When there is sex in a story, there is no such thing as recovery time. Guys can get "it" back up in one second flat, and girls can go on forever with no breaks.

When writing fan-fiction, crossovers are the best, especially the pointless ones. It's even better if it's a self-insert and all of your favorite characters go after you for no real reason.

[Ryu_chan]

Mary-Sues/Gary-Stus are always adored by readers, no matter what. The more of them, the better.

Cliches are a must. Your readers will feel more comfortable reading about what they're already familiar with. New and unknown things are scary.

[M00NEY]

People who look intimidating/weird must always be just misunderstood. For example, the loner kid with all the piercings might look odd, but he's really a great person once you get to know him.

If your character has an outrageous name, no one can make fun of him/her for it. In real life, everyone is perfectly accepting and will embrace your character's name as unique and cool. Either that, or they'll act like they meet a Caladreyianea every day.

If you're posting your story online, make sure you warn the readers that you will not continue unless you get a certain number of positive reviews.

Also, refuse to continue your story if somebody flames it. Demand those positive reviews.

[Squawk]

Be sure your character's name looks like you fell asleep on the keyboard and drooled a bit. After all, little Kisodofusdaanusad has a great life, who cares about the name?

Make sure bad guys die when they get a splinter or paper cut, but that main characters or hot ones don't die even when they've had a bullet through the brain or an entire longsword through their midesction. Medical statistics have shown that if you are attractive, you have a better chance of living through trauma, you know.

Everyone bleeds blood that is red, regardless of race, because red is just creepier.

Every character should be skilled at guitar/violin.

Take great lengths to describe how something reflects in a character's eyes.

[Evedi Etros]

In your generic fantasy [which is good, really!] there must be a fellowship! The reader won't care that you blatantly ripped off Tolkien, I mean, that's why it was written in the first place, for up and coming young writers like yourself! Likewise, your hot elf character will have blond hair. Plagiarism? What's that? Oh, and do please ensure that you emphatically emphasize the emphasizable emphasy of this elf's hotness. No one will report you to the Redundancy Department!
Try to brainwash your readers with your purple prose. Do not forget to add several bucketfulls of angst. Angst is legitimate characterisation and any other tactics taken to get your readers to empathise will be laughed at.

Oh, and please, write graphic sex scenes even though you're still a virgin. Really. Your readers won't mind that your hero is trying to impregnate the heroine through her bellybutton because you haven't had sex education yet, sincerely. Ignorance is an excuse, no matter what those Nazi purist elitist literates might think. And on the topic of Nazis, please make sure you liken your bad guys to them. This will make them much easier to hate, even though the time bracket you are writing in entails medieval armour and sorcery. We won't even delve into how your fantasy characters know what Nazis are.

[Araia.Naishi]

Always remember this one most important fact:

Spelling? Grammar? That's what editors are for!

((I swear, if I hear that used one more time, I will edit the sayer's backside out of existence.))

[Araia.Naishi]

Slicey

OR after she has fallen and broken her ankle and the hero is attending to her wounds.

I'm a horrible person. gonk I had to use the ankle-breaking excuse for two of my characters to meet.

Although my heroine attends to her own wounds, and my hero just sits there and worries.

[Storeage]

-In the wildernes, if one character "spends too much time in the bushes", it is ALWAYS because s/he was captured or killed, and NEVER because they're constipated, or something. Who wants to read an akward scene like that?

[Jabberwocky Sinope XXVII]

Storeage

-In the wildernes, if one character "spends too much time in the bushes", it is ALWAYS because s/he was captured or killed, and NEVER because they're constipated, or something. Who wants to read an akward scene like that?

Yeah, everyone knows that fictional characters never have to piss or anything.

[Storeage]

-The need to go never interferes with dramatic chase scenes.

-Characters NEVER get lost, even in the middle of a desert, or some other place with no land marks, and no knowledge of how to navagate using the stars, or they ALWAYS get lost, even following a road.

-Your nation/religion is the best EVER, and all of your protagionists must be of your nation/religion.

[Tavreynya]

When writing a fanfic, here's a simple way to determine if So-and-so x Whatsizface is a legit slash coupling:
a.) are they your favorite characters / SO DAMN SEXY OMFG?
b.) would you like to see it happen / is it "kawaii?"
If you answered yes to either, then YES, they are a good slash pairing, never mind how much of the canon you have to contradict to do so! As for femslash, if the answer is yes to a or b above, or to "c.) would Heterosexual Male Friend Of Yours #3 jack off to a fic based on this pairing," then you're game.

There is no such thing as agnosticism. Every must belongs to Religion X or Religion Y (members of which religions are constantly at war with each other), or is an atheist and therefore doomed to burn in hell. They're also completely stupid, since your deities of choice wander freely through the world meddling in the affairs of mortals. They have Nothing Better to Do.

That doesn't just go for gods, either. No one has anything better to do than save the world, hunt for missing artifacts, bang whoever you want them to, etc.

All artifacts must be valuable and have ~*~*Mystikal Powerz!!!!!*~*~. They are never the pieces of junk they appear to be. The more useless something looks, the more likely the case that it's some kind of Doomsday device.

[Luis Loriox II]

Stuff your story with as many character as possible, the more the better. Dont bother trying to work out their backgrounds or anything, make them clones with diffrent color hair.

Also, the main female character must accidently fall onto the main male character. This is fallowed by a kissing scene, and has to do something with the moon. People watching from the bushes is a must.

[Tavreynya]

Luis Loriox II

People watching from the bushes is a must.

This would be the hero's Perverted Best Friend, who is an absolute staple.

[Luis Loriox II]

Tavreynya

Luis Loriox II

People watching from the bushes is a must.

This would be the hero's Perverted Best Friend, who is an absolute staple.

He also has to flirt with every girl he runs into, and faint when a girl tells him off.

[LoneGothic]

Everyone must mate like rabbits.