The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2292 ]
I add new things.	14.9%	[ 1951 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.6%	[ 8852 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13095 ]

[Lolita Doll]

~Your.Dilettante~

Lolita Doll

~Your.Dilettante~

JesanaeTekani

You can always tell the difference between a good pirate and a bad pirate by observing the state of their teeth.

Yes, because everyone had toothbrushes back then.

Remember pirates = fantasy, so always include magical buried treasure, sea monsters, and mermaids. Historical fiction =/= teh Satan.

-Pirates never steal anything but gold and jewels.

-If the piracy is in the future, they still have bad teeth. It's just against the pirate code to have a nice set of pearly whites.

((The piracy I wrote about is set in the way future. And in real life, pirates steal more cargo like soap, clothes, food, than they did gold.))

<< Ooh, cyberpunk-ness? How yummy. >>

She speaks the truth! Why steal food when you can steal all of the money in the world and risk your life unneccessarily to BUY food?

((16th century piracy meets cyberpunk-ness, all due to humans-Oh wait!))

-Pirates cannot speak properly. At. All.

-All different pirates groups cannot have allies. They are too cool and powerful for that. It builds more mystery and angst if they are the lone wolf type.

-Humans ruin everything for everything. Every time Mother Nature envokes hell upon the world (earthquakes, volcanos, tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes, mudslides, avalanches, etc,) it is ALWAYS the human race's fault. Always. There cannot be a natural reason for any disaster. The earthquake? Humans were experimenting with bombs. Hurricanes?? ... er.. humans shot lasers full of minerals and stuff to make clouds precipitate torrents of evil.

[Mademoiselle Kit]

- In fantasy, there must ALWAYS be a dragon. ALWAYS.
- Everyone uses swords or bows. There are no other medival wepons, unless their a wizard and they get an ubercool staff.
- Castles are always clean and pretty, with lots of tapestries and decorations, and are modeled after the Renissance, despite the fact that you want it to take place around 1200 A.D.
- Royalty can do whatever they want. Why? Because they're royalty, damnit! They don't ever have obligations! The people will always praise and support them.
- Name your evil characters after the seven deadly sins. It's been done before, so that means it must be teh uberawesomeness.
- A first kiss is always perfect. There is no nervousness about not being kissed before, or no akward moments about it at all. It's always a perfect moment that will be cherished forever.
- The same thing goes for sex. No one is nervous about it at all. They always can't wait to jump into bed. And they are instantly a sex god from the moment they take their shirt off.
- A male's p***s is a foot long. Any smaller is just sad.
- And all women have a triple-D bust.
- A romance story ends either three ways, the couple is finally together, the couple gets married, or they just have found out they're going to be (or they become) parents. That's the ONLY way you can end it.

[[Your].[Dilettante]]

<< Happy Page 200, Anti-Guide! >>

When writing about characters that have been struck with misfortune, always remember that poverty-stricken = street-smart. Always. No one's ever heard of a poor person going out and actually making an ATTEMPT at an honest living. That would be silly. Where would the story come from?
The Perfect Transition:
Farmers = Warriors, MC always!
Poor people = Thieves, comedy relief
Princesses = Spellcasters, smart, but moody
Youngest character = Healer, innocent and eager to learn (that's why their prayers are the best!)

[Jasper Riddle]

No more Fantasy, guys. We've overheard that to the point where I wanna hit someone. mad
SF or Bust.

[[Your].[Dilettante]]

Why not Horror?

[Jasper Riddle]

~Your.Dilettante~

Why not Horror?

That's acceptable.

[Lolita Doll]

In horror:

The murderer is always has this hidden psychotic illness that no one knows about.

[[Your].[Dilettante]]

Jasper Riddle

~Your.Dilettante~

Why not Horror?

That's acceptable.

Huzzah!

Rigor mortis does not affect YOUR zombies, which are crafted after the finest zombies in Hollywood. YOUR zombies, in fact, do not resemble the dead in the least with the exception of being covered in blood and gore--AND THERE MUST BE GORE! Simply by being a book with zombies, it is demanded that there be intestines lining the walls and eyes popping at every instant! Describe all of this in as vivid detail as possible.

Speaking of zombies, the dispatcher of said monsters cannot be anyone save a lovely, young heroine who, regardless of age, race, or personality, is ALWAYS garbed in a leather miniskirt! Everyone knows that the weakness of any decent zombies is miniskirts!

When getting rid of monsters, be sure to equip your hero with the priciest, most reliable weapons they can possibly acquire--because we all know your hero is already loaded. (Pun unintended) Make sure that the weapons present themselves in the form of big shiny handguns--because an uzi is just unneccessary--or a bazooka or (gasp!) a katana. Katanas once again need to make an appearance in your fiction for it to be authentic. EVERYTHING is better with katanas.

[Silverotter107]

When it comes to names, who cares if they can't be pronouced in any known civilization. I mean, that is the point, right? To keep them guessing. When it comes to names in foreign languages, proper spelling is OUT.

Never EVER use interesting words or word variety. It'll just confuse the people.

Who needs a plot anyways? Just keep them guessing. That's the key to all. Always keep them guessing. They don't need to know what's going on, they just gotta love it!

If the writing takes place in a foreign country, or has a forieng language, grammar is not always needed. Heck, why bother learning Finnish for a three page story. It's not like anyone will understand you anyways.

[Silverotter107]

If the people in the story are traveling, always make the group a group of three. One is too lonely, two, bah, that's just dull. But three, I mean, it's like the best solution possible. I mean, four is a total crowd. In the group, the hero must be great at everything. There must be a girl who's too afraid to get her feet wet and is always whisked away from danger right in the nick of time by the hero when she's going to get her gown wet, and the third person must always be the fool. Whether he's just stupid, or clumsy, who cares?! As long as it makes people laugh, it might as well be a monkey!

At the end of the story, if it isn't the hero/ine who saves the hostages/kingdom/world, it's the animal that was locked up in a cage, or stuck in a tree, or the evil person's servant. They always come to the rescue.

And remember, if the hero/ine doesn't have an interesting tattoo, or hair/eye color, or something that makes them special, you've got nothing

[Silverotter107]

Oh yea, and the hero/ine... always saves the day becuase it was his/her destiny. He/she was chosen by the gods, or a prophecy, or something, before he/she even existed. The second they are born, they are already intertwined in something greater then life itself. You can never change destiny, and you can never run away from it.

[Rid V]

I can't believe it, you three monopolized the past three pages!

Oh well, I was hoping to get this in as a sort of anniversary, but it needn't be.

((Jasper, I assure you, this goes equally well with science fiction, and possibly horror.))

Any group of people with a special power will always be outclassed by a single person with the same power. That's right, the one lone villain from the race of benevolent, super demi-gods is enough to wipe out the rest, with say one exception. If the demi-god race is evil, then one lone good one (probably raised by humans or half-human) will be able to take all the evil ones down no problem. This is all because the affectiveness of any super-being's power is inversely proportional to the number of beings with said power currently in existence who are on the same side.

The time it takes a character (specifically your main character) to convince someone else to do something should be five minutes maximum. No matter how stubborn the character is, or how improbable it seems, the character being convinced must accede after one small speech by the main character.

[Evil Genius Mouse]

Make sure the name of your heroine has weird, accented letters in it. The letters æ and ü are popular ones.

Extra vowels are cool. Faerielleisidhe and Draegonieaiulalu are SOO much better names than simply 'fairy' or 'dragon'.

Tears can heal all fatal wounds. Especially if they're the tears of the hero's lover/mistress/wife/whore.

[Lolita Doll]

-Every time there is conflict between any races, Humans vs. Aliens, Aliens vs Other Aliens, Magical Human race vs Science Human race, etc, the ONLY person that will solve those problems is a half breed between the rival races.

-The half breed should have immense powers from both parents' genes.

-The half breed should always be depressed about how he or she is different and that no one likes them because of their heritage.

[[Your].[Dilettante]]

All children should be given a little something called "Disney Genetics". That is, all females take after the mother and all males take after the father. There is only one exception that takes after the opposite or both and angsts about how different they are all the time.