The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2292 ]
I add new things.	14.9%	[ 1951 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.6%	[ 8852 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13095 ]

[Navenna]

There are no government styles other than monarchies allowed in fantasy.

Never research the political system you use... or anything for that matter-research is for school reports- not your precious writing!

Communist Nazis are everywhere. (I actually came across a story about them, I'm quite certain the writer is unaware of their mistakes... and there were plenty.)

Kings and Queens must never be main characters. To be King you must be old, and old people aren't fun or interesting.

Queens are better off dead, giving their daughters things to angst about throughout their lives.

Royalty always uses slang.

Servants are the princess' best friend and never have work to do, so they can be there to offer advice and aid in the princess' running away.

There are no consequences for servants when they act above their station, unless they are sex slaves and we get to ready some raunchy angry-sex scene soon after.

Princesses never enjoy being royalty.

Princes are rare and they must either be completely charming or else complete scoundrels.

Or better yet, don't give your Royalty personalities. Either they are good or evil.

The MC must either agree or disagree with everything the government does.

No one can ever say "I'm sorry" and mean it unless it helps them get in the MC's pants.

Everyone enjoys descriptive sex scenes. You just keep on using phrases like "quivering member". Your readers will be sure to love you forever.

If your MC was an unhappy child (don't be modest, we all know they were) they undoubtedly ran away and raised themselves and turned out just fine... apart from having a sob-story past.

[Rid V]

When captured by any villainous characters other than the actual main villain, your main character/s will find it easy to persuade their captors to free them from their restraints, or even let them help. This will go a long way in facilitating the hero/es escape plan.

By contrast, when they are captured by any government or agency that is not actually evil, it will be impossible for them to get it through their captors' thick skulls that they're aren't in the wrong.

Whether they are captured by villains or people who are just "misguided", your main character/s will suffer torture. It will always be torture, not just interrogation, and they will always bear up stoically, even to the last.

If any character has an irrational hatred and or fear (usually both) of some group of people, because they have some special power, or ability/abilities, that character will inevitably turn out to have that same power/ability/abilities, or someone in their family will. There is no other way for them to learn the error of their ways ... not that they necessarily should.

Anyone who goes to investitage a body, whether dead or just unconscious, must have a death wish, for the "body" will instantly spring to life and kill them, once their guard is down.

Immunity is an absolute: either you have it, or you don't. If your main character is weak against lava, that means even a touch of the stuff will incinerate her/him instantly. If a character is resistant to some sort of energy or has an overly thick skin, that means that no matter how much you bombard them with that energy, or how sharp the blade you stab them with, the worst you'll do is wear them down a little. The rule of thumb goes: "If they can survive the weakest strain the fever, they can survive all other strains as well, even if they haven't already been inoculated."

To get themselves out of a deadly situation, the main characters always have to try something risky, something that could possibly destroy them all. They are eventually forced to take that risk, and never, ever, end up dying, or even inconvenienced.

[Indigo Dagger]

Remember: Any and all Russian women are named Natasha.

(Sorry again Mother Russia)

[Muffers]

Horses are named Caesar. Unicorns are named Morning Glory or Evening Star.

If you even think about naming either of them Bob or d**k or Jane, then you're a bad person.

[Astarael--Banisher]

FBI agents who Find Out Too Much and are now being hunted down by the government make unique and entertaining fodder for stories. Even better, add the fact that the people hunting down the former-agents demon-possessed senators and the such! Satan holds an extreme interest in securing the White House, as noted in the Book of Revelations.

[Astarael--Banisher]

If a character combs their hair in a way that you can see the parting where the teeth of the comb separated the strands, that person is Bad. The hero does not have an immaculate hair-do, since heroes must be masculine and thus have no sense of how to groom themselves (even through having your hair combed that way doesn't automatically imply a sense of grooming...).

[Juliet Foxtrot]

I love doing triligies or maybe even going past just three. Or maybe I'll a refrince to another story that might have happened years before what's happening in one story.

[Bittersweet_3]

YellowRibbons

I love doing triligies or maybe even going past just three. Or maybe I'll a refrince to another story that might have happened years before what's happening in one story.

domokun Read the first post. domokun

[Jasper Riddle]

Bittersweet_3

YellowRibbons

I love doing triligies or maybe even going past just three. Or maybe I'll a refrince to another story that might have happened years before what's happening in one story.

domokun Read the first post. domokun

Always make references. Or inversely, never make references. You can never have one reference that pops up every now and then--you either have to allude to everything in the previous story or nothing at all.

[Rid V]

((I've changed my mind: we shouldn't get rid of the poll, we should change it. The new poll should have a question and two options, the question being: "When confronted by a new Thread what do you do?" and the answers should be: 1: "I Post on it without bothering to find out what the topic actually is." And 2: "I conscientiously take a look to see what the h*ll I'm getting into before Posting." And if they answer 1, we have a sign saying: "Get off this Thread!" No, seriously, we should do this, I'm not kidding.))

When there is more than one race represented in your party, the non-humans will be immune to all diseases, radiation, and other effects that the humans are susceptible to, and vice versa. The nonhumans will all be immune to the diseases/radiation/whatever that the all the others are immune to, and vulnerable to the ones that they are not immune to. There is always someone to be immune to it unless its a direct bladed/magical/energy/similar attack.

Your main character must always go on a quest all over the country/planet/universe/multiverse, seeing many strange places. They can never have an adventure that takes place within a twenty or thirty mile radius of their home.

And for the whole first book/episode/fit/other at least, the main character must be "wide-eyed" at all the strange sights that s/he encounters, while the guide character obviously knows everything about everywhere they go. And you must use the term "wide-eyed" at every opportunity.

[La Aspiradora]

You can have whatever clothes that you want - of course there were bras in medieval england; of course your heroine can have a silk dress whatever class she is (it's her special dress, you know!!!); anything goes!

Oh, and speelin,, p7nctuasion and grammer don't matter no they don't matter at all do they?????

[Astarael--Banisher]

Tentacles equal not-good. If a a strange, unearthly creature has tentacles, it is not always bad, but it surely not good. It may be crude, stupid, or mean, or just a bumbling official, but it is certainly not a kind individual who will figure greatly in the story. Appearance figures largely in personality, so a tentacle-y creatue, which is obviously gross, cannot be on the side of Good.

((It is interesting to note that there is one instance of tentacle-creatures being not only good, but extremely good, intelligent, and important to the plot as supporting characters. And not only had they tentacles, but furry tentacles, too! A cookie to the person who gets the reference: it's not really that hard to guess. After all, the book I'm talking about is pretty much a classic.
HINT: The name of one of the creatures was Aunt Beast.))

[Nobility Glistens]

1) Your Hero or Heroine must be at least 12"0 tall and play professional basketball.

2) You must classify anyone against the protagonist of your story as evil. Therefore, the police chasing him for burning down that orphanage and tap dancing on his grandmothers grave are evil...rwar.

3) Anything in your story that isn't human is required to be stupid and evil.

4) The size of your font must be 2 or lower whenever you submit a story online. Also, be sure to keep in mind that hot pink and neon green is the preferred font for all great writers.