The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2292 ]
I add new things.	14.9%	[ 1951 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.6%	[ 8852 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13095 ]

[x_haphazard_x]

SilentDeus

Now we give your hero an ultimate weapon (because how he defeated that alien race just wasn't cool enough) that can destroy everything by using all of his power, but he doesn't really use all of his power, because if he did, your face would explode when you read it. Let's not stop there. Let's show everyone how you can use big words, and ask your friend for a big word that sounds cool for your hero's ultimate weapon. Then be a sucker when your friend tells you to use "Deus ex Machina" and use that seriously without researching it, because you're way too cool to bring yourself down to that level. I mean, if you ever had to research, you'd just overdose on grape Children's Chewable Cold and Flu Tablets because life just wouldn't be worth living anymore and that's all you have in your medicine cabinet.

OOOHHH, THAT'S JUST TOO GOOD!!! I'll HAVE to use a mega-weapon named "Deus ex Machina" in a parody. Now it's impossible not to do it, even if there's not a good place for it. It's just THAT GOOD. There was a Simpsons episode with one of those, now, wasn't there...?

[oneia]

In ANY story, you must have a princess (or a princess-archetype: rich girl, for example) who needs to be rescued from something... whether its a curse to turn her into a swan/ogre (watching Shrek), or if she's been imprisoned in her evil uncle's castle, or is being hunted by a rival kingdom/association.
...but it can NEVER be the princess's fault she's in that situation.

[timechaser]

Your heroine must be nearly six feet tall, have a twelve-inch waist, and weigh something in the vicinity of eighty-three pounds. She must also have an imposing bosom that, if found on a living person, would make her tip forward and/or need a periscope to see around.
What laws of physics and nature? She's just that special!

If your hero/ine needs to fill an angst quota, have him/her blame him/herself for some natural disaster that killed lots of people, despite the fact that he/she could do absolutely nothing to stop the river from flooding/ fire from spreading/ sky from falling.

On second thought, nothing is ever the hero/ine's fault. They're under a curse because the villain hates them--and the villain hates them because the villain is evil, not because your hero/ine ever did anything to the villain.
When in doubt, it's the villain's fault. Always.

[Raincrow]

Whenever a male character is suffering some grievous wound, like, say, a headache, be sure that he is nursed back to health by a caring, thoughtful, tender young woman who will hold his hand, stroke his hair out of his eyes, and sing some half-forgotten lullaby to him that her tragically murdered mother once sang to her when she was six months old and she's just now remembering due to the influence of some superspeshul! magical artifact (probably a trinket left behind by said dead mother). Also, take note that run-on sentences make any story a kajillion times better.

[Lea Fealith]

The rules of grammar are subjective. The harder it is for someone to read what you've written, the more time they will have to appreciate all the hard work you put into it.

Everyone forgives the hero in the ends, and the hero forgives everyone else. Even if the evil guy, who's not really evil but just needed to spur the hero into action by murdering his love/mommy/dog, tortures the hero until the last chapter. The hero will forgive, and the villian will repent completely and without hesitation.

[Minion Ripley]

The only faults your good guys may have are being too kind, loving too much, being loved too much, being too powerful, and/or having too much cash. Those are faults, right? So, they work!

You have every right to kill off any character that you please and more, and you should use this right at every possible point in the story. If you ever find yourself short of characters, you can simply say that <insert strange, magical item here> has resurrected the person "unexpectedly". As you can see clearly, there are absolutely no drawbacks to this.

Sources of income do not need to be explained. You can have your whole cast go on a long-winded journey with absolutely no mention of earning money somehow and still have them all stay at five-star hotels every single night. It just adds to the mystery!

Eating fat-filled, sugar-coated foods do nothing to your characters' physiques. They shall remain as attractive as you want as long as you want.

Time be damned! No matter the circumstances, traveling periods shall pass in mere sentences, sunsets and sunrises shall appear when you dictate, and entire seasons are at your mercy. It is common knowledge that all readers do not want to even hear a small mention of actual reality, so anything requiring patience should be avoided like a ten-week-old sandwich.

[Jabberwocky Sinope XXVII]

[removed because this thread is just embarassing now. XD]

[pirtsutaja18]

neutral neutral neutral neutral neutral eek eek eek eek

[[.Ikaruga.]]

Use no detail at all!
Rush through time with no changes.
Use vampires when ever possible.
Don't leave any suspence int he main conflict.
Write a paraghragh for each chapter.
Kill off all your main characters and start over with new ones!

(Yeah thats about all i have for now....jsut a few things I've seen that surprise me.)

[goldcelestial]

if there is someone sexy in the story, they must get it on!
and no ugly people sex, only the pretty ones can pass on their genes to the next generation!!
(hence the reason that all the evil witches are stepmothers) whee

[goldcelestial]

and always have a story book ending, you know, main characters get married, have 20 gorgeous kids who inherit all the uber-great powers of their parents, and then say : THE END!!! or the same in a foreign language if you want to be "exotic" but I don't encourage that. stare

[Veive]

Relationships are either always happy or one-sidedly abusive. You can't have a codependency. If the relationship is abusive, one person TRULY LOVES the other, who is a cruel, heartless b*****d taking advantage of the pure.

There is no love that doesn't lead to sex. None. And old people don't fall in love. The 38-year-old paladin who loves a young woman because he sees her as his angel? Ridiculous!

[Veive]

goldcelestial

and always have a story book ending, you know, main characters get married, have 20 gorgeous kids who inherit all the uber-great powers of their parents, and then say : THE END!!! or the same in a foreign language if you want to be "exotic" but I don't encourage that. stare

Or they end with the main character TRAGIKALLY DYING and being mourned in a beautiful funeral. If the main character dies, the love interest is always around to either catch the main character and listen to them whisper "I love you" (quite possible even with a slit throat- their love is just that pure!) and/or go utterly berserk.

[Zonderling]

Either have nothing but dialouge in your story, or else have none of it at all. Who said there's such a thing as a happy medium?

[dah fuzzinator of dewm!]

everyone hates irony. so stay far away from irony! it's very pesky and wastes your reader's valuable time. stay away from irony! 3nodding