[ Poll ] The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.		17.1%	[ 1662 ]
I add new things.		15.2%	[ 1478 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).		67.6%	[ 6555 ]

Total Votes: 9695

[Kiyoko-San]

Teeth must always be sparkling white, even though throughout the book your character has not brushed their teeth once. It doesn't even matter what they eat! Their teeth must always be perfect. Unless they're evil. Then they can have ugly teeth.

Your characters breath must also smell sweet like strawberries, or cherries, or something that smells good, even though they haven't eaten any strawberries/cherries/anything that smells good.

When your characters kiss, the female's kiss must "taste like strawberries" or some other friut. The kiss must always be enjoyable, even if the female/male doesn't like the other person.

[Minion Ripley]

Mystical elements are a must. It's even better if it's in the form of stones. What? A complex, thought-out magical system? Bah-hum-bug! All you need are some fancy stones to make all of the magic work perfectly. And, yes, rocks can read your character's mind, believe it or not, so training in the use of the stones is not required.

Use whatever word that strikes your fancy as much as possible, preferably rapid-fire. Example: "As Krystal's lazuline eyes gazed into the lazuline sky with worry, she tugged nervously at her lazuline skirt." See? Wasn't that cool?

If a reviewer does not see exactly as you do about your writing piece, then their view is not valid. You can safely diss them, ignore them, or even delete their review and place them on your ignore list so you can act like they don't exist. Seriously, they'll love you for that.

capitalization is not necessary neither are periods and other similar grammatical forms

Ifyouwantsomeonetotalkreallyfastjustslamallofthewordstogetherlikethis.

[LoneGothic]

You never ever EVER need to do The Mary Sue Litmus Test

Character's perfect -- no one else can say otherwise.

[~Rue.The.Day~]

This little thread has grown up. heart

Heaven forbid that you should not use "hygiene spells" to explain why there is not lice on your character, particularly in a story set during the Middle Ages, when it was considered strange to bathe. E-gads! Your story is set in Japan? Then just have your characters turn the corner--there's a hot spring behind every one.

Mountains are overrated--no one should have to climb one.

Heaven forbid that your awesome Human character be forced to travel into and learn about an entirely different, perhaps hostile culture. You fantasy story can be just like Zelda, if you want. No one will get mad when the hero simply trounces about inside their house!

[Tavreynya]

~Rue.The.Day~

This little thread has grown up. heart

That it has. ^^

When all else fails, find an excuse (hot springs, clothes are wet, etc.) for the two principal love interests to get naked.

[IrkenMegara]

So what if one of the characters you're writing about in a fan fiction is an evil (illegetimate male child)/(female dog)? It won't matter, because your original character is sure to make him or her see the error of their ways and fall madly into warm, fuzzy, cuddly bunny love with them.

[Klaark]

Go on for several paragraphs when describing a characters eye color. Eye color is the most important detail about a person and requires much attention.

[Raincrow]

Always remember: bar maids, tavern wenches, and the like exist solely to have sex. Never do these girls feel remorse for their actions or dispise the fact that they're akin to the town bicycle. In fact, they're proud that they've banged more men that the rest of the collective female populous of their town! And of course, there's no such thing as STDs or unplanned pregnancy in fantasy worlds! What reader wants to hear about something as unpleasant as that?

[Araia.Naishi]

Always remember that you, the writer, are all-powerful.

Laws of physics? Logic? Gravity? Why consider those when you can make people float (controlledly, of course).

[Tavreynya]

If you are writing fantasy, there is no need to explain anything. Nothing needs to make sense. Scientific fact is moot, and if anyone tells you otherwise, they're (pick one) a filthy liar/flaming/just jealous. It's your fantasy, after all, and you can put as little thought into it as you damn well want to!

Exception: A great deal of explanation should be given for everything your hero(ine) does or says, but nothing else matters in the slightest.

[Araia.Naishi]

Your villain's motives need not be explained. They're evil. That's that.

[Tavreynya]

Your hero(ine) is right. Always. They need not have any convincing arguments to support their views, as They Are Right and being stubborn enough will eventually convert everyone. Anyone who isn't converted is evil anyway, and should be killed post-haste.

There is no such thing as "corniness." Everything your hero(ine) says is amazingly, remarkably profound, and anyone who listens to them is obligated to make a comment to that effect.

[Araia.Naishi]

Tavreynya

Your hero(ine) is right. Always. They need not have any convincing arguments to support their views, as They Are Right and being stubborn enough will eventually convert everyone. Anyone who isn't converted is evil anyway, and should be killed post-haste.

There is no such thing as "corniness." Everything your hero(ine) says is amazingly, remarkably profound, and anyone who listens to them is obligated to make a comment to that effect.

Or cheesy, or fruity. All-surpassing love never gets old.

[Tavreynya]

All your characters should have exactly the same speech patterns - namely, yours. No matter how different they are in terms of education, social standing, or personality, they should always speak in sentences of the same length and construction, use comparable vocabularies, and agree on every controversial point of grammer. If you believe, for example, that any word starting in h should be preceded by "an" and not "a," so does everyone else. Remember: your characters are never wrong, and they always agree with you; by extension, then, you are never wrong, either.

[[N]ever.[A]utumn.[M]other]

Always have your characters listen to the mysterious cloaked figure in the story, because that person is an old relative that your -Past Not Applicable- hero has lost over time along with his memories and who must now watch him from afar.

Since there's like...no way that the villain would dress up in a disguise and guide your heroes in the wrong direction, or (heaven forbid) a trap.

Speaking of which, your villain is either insanely smart or incredibly stupid. Either way he makes overly obvious errors in his plans that even a two year-old could figure out how to undo. There's no way they could beat the hero's obviously superior knowledge of physics and such, even though they're NOT ONLY from a backwards town in the middle of the normally medieval timeline, but they failed pretty much every bit -single-room- schooling they were provided.

Oh, and if your villain is not lustful over the hero, they must be related. Must be. Because the line 'I am your father' never gets old, at ALL. People love repeatedly used pop culture references, of course.