The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2292 ]
I add new things.	14.9%	[ 1951 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.6%	[ 8852 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13095 ]

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

FanFantasy

Princess Whisper

Charlie_The_Bad

When arresting your characters, the guards never ever plan for them to escape or take any precautions whatsoever for prisoners escaping, or will do anything resembling showing an interest in capturing those escaped criminals unless it's for one scene.

After that scene, they will completely lose interest and will never do anything like launch an investigation. They will not even make an effort even if the main characters go to great lengths to taunt the authority figures or flagrantly break the laws of wherever they're at. In any case, they definitely won't work overtime.

Guards are also always massively underpaid and can be bribed to let you go for less than the cost of a decent sandwich, which your medieval stories always have. What do you mean the concept of a sandwich didn't exist until the mid-to-late1700's? History is boooooring and should never be referenced for works of fiction. stressed

If your main character is thrown into a dungeon or jail or whatever, there should be someone with them who is luckily a master at lock picking. OR they must be rescued by someone outside. There is no un-escapable prison in story world! And once the hero or heroes have escaped, they always prevail over their captors, no matter how out-numbered they are!

Or there is a loose block in the cell, and then they gain super strong powers and breakout! Guards never took the weapons from them or did a body search or anything. They just chucked them in a cell.

Back on pirates, the parrot is always a green and red parrot. There is no other parrot in the world.

And that's the smartest kind of bird in the world. (No, its not)

[twilek_jedi]

The Phoenix Rises Again

FanFantasy

Princess Whisper

Charlie_The_Bad

When arresting your characters, the guards never ever plan for them to escape or take any precautions whatsoever for prisoners escaping, or will do anything resembling showing an interest in capturing those escaped criminals unless it's for one scene.

After that scene, they will completely lose interest and will never do anything like launch an investigation. They will not even make an effort even if the main characters go to great lengths to taunt the authority figures or flagrantly break the laws of wherever they're at. In any case, they definitely won't work overtime.

Guards are also always massively underpaid and can be bribed to let you go for less than the cost of a decent sandwich, which your medieval stories always have. What do you mean the concept of a sandwich didn't exist until the mid-to-late1700's? History is boooooring and should never be referenced for works of fiction. stressed

If your main character is thrown into a dungeon or jail or whatever, there should be someone with them who is luckily a master at lock picking. OR they must be rescued by someone outside. There is no un-escapable prison in story world! And once the hero or heroes have escaped, they always prevail over their captors, no matter how out-numbered they are!

Or there is a loose block in the cell, and then they gain super strong powers and breakout! Guards never took the weapons from them or did a body search or anything. They just chucked them in a cell.

Back on pirates, the parrot is always a green and red parrot. There is no other parrot in the world.

And that's the smartest kind of bird in the world. (No, its not)

They can have blue ones, too!
The parrot talks all the time. It knows exactly what it's talking about, and isn't in the least just chattering for attention.

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

twilek_jedi

The Phoenix Rises Again

FanFantasy

Princess Whisper

Charlie_The_Bad

When arresting your characters, the guards never ever plan for them to escape or take any precautions whatsoever for prisoners escaping, or will do anything resembling showing an interest in capturing those escaped criminals unless it's for one scene.

After that scene, they will completely lose interest and will never do anything like launch an investigation. They will not even make an effort even if the main characters go to great lengths to taunt the authority figures or flagrantly break the laws of wherever they're at. In any case, they definitely won't work overtime.

Guards are also always massively underpaid and can be bribed to let you go for less than the cost of a decent sandwich, which your medieval stories always have. What do you mean the concept of a sandwich didn't exist until the mid-to-late1700's? History is boooooring and should never be referenced for works of fiction. stressed

If your main character is thrown into a dungeon or jail or whatever, there should be someone with them who is luckily a master at lock picking. OR they must be rescued by someone outside. There is no un-escapable prison in story world! And once the hero or heroes have escaped, they always prevail over their captors, no matter how out-numbered they are!

Or there is a loose block in the cell, and then they gain super strong powers and breakout! Guards never took the weapons from them or did a body search or anything. They just chucked them in a cell.

Back on pirates, the parrot is always a green and red parrot. There is no other parrot in the world.

And that's the smartest kind of bird in the world. (No, its not)

They can have blue ones, too!
The parrot talks all the time. It knows exactly what it's talking about, and isn't in the least just chattering for attention.

((Now I'm remembering the good ol' days of Money Island))

[Glaedr52]

twilek_jedi

The Phoenix Rises Again

Charlie_The_Bad

When drinking, nobody ever pukes, passes out, or dies from alcohol poisoning even if they've had enough booze to kill an elephant. The first two situations may apply to the designated comic relief character, but never any serious characters. They can always handle their booze despite being underage, thin, and having no experience at all with the stuff.

You also can't build up a tolerance and weight or having food in your stomach don't matter.

((So. Another Neopets story.
It seems any time someone says medieval it suddenly means taverns. So I've given all of my characters drinking problems.
I've got a necromancer who can drink like a camel but really isn't all that helpful afterwards (this doesn't matter, considering that the Tavern is a black hole which none shal escape to further the plot.) She proceeds to stare at people, summon their relatives to have a chat, and pass out while grampa is discussing the secret prophecies that are supposed to be plot-central.
Also got a fairy. He drinks a little bit of almost anything and vomits. He's only like, three feet tall, so it makes sense.))

Tavern= an awesome setting. Not an actual Tavern, where you'd get your head beat in for saying the wrong thing, but a nice little B&B that all the happy drunks go to. They sing. Never forget the words to the song, either. In fact, the song they sing should be part of a prophecy, and even though it's their favorite song, this'll be the first time they should ever notice it.
The mean drunks are off in the 'bars'. Why else would the words be different????

Actually, there's no such thing as mean drunks. Being drunk is hilarious, and never results in meaningless fights, injury and arrest. Mean drunks just materialize out of alleyways with light levels below 10 lumens when your heroine is scantily clad, alone, and needs to be saved by your badass hero to initiate a plot event. They disappear after aforementioned asskicking. If one or two stay un-poofed for story reasons, they are automatically barred from taverns because they are big meanie-heads, and they never sober up and feel regret for attacking the heroine - until, of course, the hero shows them the error of their ways instead of killing them. ((why does it seem like all heroes are either lawful good or chaotic good? why?))

[Half Baked SF]

Your hero's abusive parents are allowed to be mean drunks, too. ESPECIALLY the father. However, they shouldn't be mentioned beyond the first chapter unless the hero is confessing his Tragic Past to the heroine.

This mean drunk and the hilarious, fall-down drunk are the only two types in existence. Nobody gets overly emotional, affectionate, or even obnoxious and confrontational (without getting violent, at least) when they've had a few too many.

[avearia]

If the Heroine gets pregnant, something must happen to her within the 9 months surrounding that time period. Babies never come without conflict or scandal. The baby could be from another father than the Hero. The kid might have magic powers that blows up the doctor when going in for the ultrasound. The Heroine might get kidnapped while pregnant--or, for more tension, right as she goes into labour. The bad guys might kidnap the kid right after it's born and raise it as their own; for no good reason, mind you. They're evil like that.

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

avearia

If the Heroine gets pregnant, something must happen to her within the 9 months surrounding that time period. Babies never come without conflict or scandal. The baby could be from another father than the Hero. The kid might have magic powers that blows up the doctor when going in for the ultrasound. The Heroine might get kidnapped while pregnant--or, for more tension, right as she goes into labour. The bad guys might kidnap the kid right after it's born and raise it as their own; for no good reason, mind you. They're evil like that.

No, it can go fine if you're just transitioning to a new main characters. The trouble does star after 1 year though. The baby's gotta start outdoing the parents ASAP.

[Misuki Marishima]

And said child should also age as fast as possible until reaching the bodily age of 12. This is where they can set out and have their own adventures until they're 18. Also, tell them that the sword is indeed a toy for a Hero.

@ Glaedr52: (I have no idea why they're always Lawful Good or Chaotic Good. :V One of my RPCs is Neutral Good, to be honest. =D )

[twilek_jedi]

((How about unwilling good? Sometimes characters are forced to be evil, why not force them to be good?))

[Ludera]

EVERYONE LOVES TO DRINK. All teens are waiting for their 18th birthday (or 21st) so they can go into bars legally and drink until they pass out. Everyone above the legal age loves to party too. Some lame people might consider it morally wrong, but nobody ever thinks it's wasteful or boring.

People who get drunk a lot are super cool. Not remembering the night or making out with some random person on the dance floor are events that should be bragged about, and they should be worn like badges of honour. The nerds are jealous.

The Phoenix Rises Again

avearia

If the Heroine gets pregnant, something must happen to her within the 9 months surrounding that time period. Babies never come without conflict or scandal. The baby could be from another father than the Hero. The kid might have magic powers that blows up the doctor when going in for the ultrasound. The Heroine might get kidnapped while pregnant--or, for more tension, right as she goes into labour. The bad guys might kidnap the kid right after it's born and raise it as their own; for no good reason, mind you. They're evil like that.

No, it can go fine if you're just transitioning to a new main characters. The trouble does star after 1 year though. The baby's gotta start outdoing the parents ASAP.

The parents should die in some horrible way a little bit after their first child is born, even if they were beloved main characters in the first book and their deaths are rather meaningless. You can't be giving your characters happy childhoods and parents who love them, now, can you?

[I am The Compendium]

Ludera

The Phoenix Rises Again

avearia

If the Heroine gets pregnant, something must happen to her within the 9 months surrounding that time period. Babies never come without conflict or scandal. The baby could be from another father than the Hero. The kid might have magic powers that blows up the doctor when going in for the ultrasound. The Heroine might get kidnapped while pregnant--or, for more tension, right as she goes into labour. The bad guys might kidnap the kid right after it's born and raise it as their own; for no good reason, mind you. They're evil like that.

No, it can go fine if you're just transitioning to a new main characters. The trouble does star after 1 year though. The baby's gotta start outdoing the parents ASAP.

The parents should die in some horrible way a little bit after their first child is born, even if they were beloved main characters in the first book and their deaths are rather meaningless. You can't be giving your characters happy childhoods and parents who love them, now, can you?

Anyone with a happy childhood is not allowed to be a main character.

[FanFantasy]

I am The Compendium

Ludera

The Phoenix Rises Again

avearia

If the Heroine gets pregnant, something must happen to her within the 9 months surrounding that time period. Babies never come without conflict or scandal. The baby could be from another father than the Hero. The kid might have magic powers that blows up the doctor when going in for the ultrasound. The Heroine might get kidnapped while pregnant--or, for more tension, right as she goes into labour. The bad guys might kidnap the kid right after it's born and raise it as their own; for no good reason, mind you. They're evil like that.

No, it can go fine if you're just transitioning to a new main characters. The trouble does star after 1 year though. The baby's gotta start outdoing the parents ASAP.

The parents should die in some horrible way a little bit after their first child is born, even if they were beloved main characters in the first book and their deaths are rather meaningless. You can't be giving your characters happy childhoods and parents who love them, now, can you?

Anyone with a happy childhood is not allowed to be a main character.

No no, they can have a happy childhood if it's a school romance.

Or they can have a good life and then both parents die horribly in an accident, it adds to the angst factor.

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

FanFantasy

I am The Compendium

Ludera

The Phoenix Rises Again

avearia

If the Heroine gets pregnant, something must happen to her within the 9 months surrounding that time period. Babies never come without conflict or scandal. The baby could be from another father than the Hero. The kid might have magic powers that blows up the doctor when going in for the ultrasound. The Heroine might get kidnapped while pregnant--or, for more tension, right as she goes into labour. The bad guys might kidnap the kid right after it's born and raise it as their own; for no good reason, mind you. They're evil like that.

No, it can go fine if you're just transitioning to a new main characters. The trouble does star after 1 year though. The baby's gotta start outdoing the parents ASAP.

The parents should die in some horrible way a little bit after their first child is born, even if they were beloved main characters in the first book and their deaths are rather meaningless. You can't be giving your characters happy childhoods and parents who love them, now, can you?

Anyone with a happy childhood is not allowed to be a main character.

No no, they can have a happy childhood if it's a school romance.

Or they can have a good life and then both parents die horribly in an accident, it adds to the angst factor.

Despite the angst, they'll adjust quickly. But they'll still angst. That's the important part.

[avearia]

Weapons are better the bigger they are. Swords twice the size of the person's body length are reasonable and will win all fights but the one against a giant robot.

You cannot give two characters in a party the same weapon. Two people cannot be good at bow-and-arrows, nor can you have two swordsmen (unless the second swordsman is a sidekick or something.) In order to keep this up, (one unique weapon per character,) It's okay to just throw in random weapons that would never appear together in real life, such as a Katana, a broadsword, a slingshot, a bo-staff and a tank.

[Serverus Snope]

avearia

Weapons are better the bigger they are. Swords twice the size of the person's body length are reasonable and will win all fights but the one against a giant robot.

You cannot give two characters in a party the same weapon. Two people cannot be good at bow-and-arrows, nor can you have two swordsmen (unless the second swordsman is a sidekick or something.) In order to keep this up, (one unique weapon per character,) It's okay to just throw in random weapons that would never appear together in real life, such as a Katana, a broadsword, a slingshot, a bo-staff and a tank.

((There is actually some validity behind this. A heroic group generally needs to be skilled in various areas rather than leaning towards one in order to make every team member stand out. However, there should be a sufficient explanation for if the weapons are unusual.))