The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2253 ]
I add new things.	14.9%	[ 1923 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.6%	[ 8707 ]
Total Votes:			[ 12883 ]

[Tavreynya]

Squawk

Women are either weak, or bitches. Nothing in between.

And then there are the weak bitches, who either a) get killed early on, or b) discover the error of their ways and become less bitchy and more weak after some hot lovin' from the hero.

[Squawk]

Oh, I don't know if this has been said, but it drives me nuts:

All women of medevial/Renaissance/pirate times know how to use swords/staffs/bow and arrows/other weapons despite the fact that little to no women actually were allowed to learn or had reason to.

[IrkenMegara]

(Egad! Some of this stuff shows up in the story I plan on writing! Like the magic necklace left to the female healer! And the fighter/mage/healer/rogue-archer-dude party makeup.

...Oh well. This board rocks my socks. (Did I just say "rocks my socks?" Oh well.))

Characters with psychic abilities should have dark hair and pale skin. And they must always be incredibly dark and angsty for no good reason. Because whoever heard of a bright, peppy telekinetic?

Edit: Dirty perverts will attempt to seduce anyone with ovaries, and maybe even some of the prettier guys. But there will always be that one special girl who he gives most of his "attention" to, despite the repeated slapping, groin-kneeing, sexual harassment charges, etc.

[Tavreynya]

IrkenMegara

(Egad! Some of this stuff shows up in the story I plan on writing! Like the magic necklace left to the female healer! And the fighter/mage/healer/rogue-archer-dude party makeup.)

Yeah, it happens. I'm guilty of a few of these myself, even some of the ones I posted to begin with. xd

Your heroine's laughter is "bell-like," sounds like bells, reminds the hero of wind passing through silver chimes, etc. Don't ask why, just do it.

[Zonderling]

Tavreynya

Your heroine's laughter is "bell-like," sounds like bells, reminds the hero of wind passing through silver chimes, etc. Don't ask why, just do it.

In addition, the only acceptable fault for a heroine is "being too kind," i.e. rescuing the villain.

"Good creatures," like elves and such, are all either completely good or completely evil. There is no such thing as a good elf who can be a bit mean, or a bad elf who likes puppies. And they're all the same (within their good or evil classification).

[Cerussa]

The US and Japan are the only countries with any significance in the world. Every other contry should only be mentioned breifly in the story. Never write about Africa, the Middle East, and South America. Ever. It's just not right.

[Tavreynya]

If your story takes place in a modern setting, make a note: Germany is evil.

[Ryu_chan]

Never forget, either, that your readers are stupid. They need vast chunks of redundant adjectives/descriptors in order to picture in their minds what is going on in the story. Thus, don't be afraid to re-describe how completely and utterly perfect your hero is ever few paragraphs.

[Tavreynya]

Make sure to sprinkle your writing with "Author's Notes." Exempli gratia:

Quote:

He walked down the stairs (A/N: OMG I can like so imagine this, isn't he so SMEXAY? *drool*) and held out his arm for her to lean on (A/N: such the gentleman *swoon*)

This makes your reader feel like they connect more intimately with you, the writer, in all your vapid and shallow glory.

[Minion Ripley]

All villains are overconfident. This is even more so if the villain is uber-sexy. No one wants to hear about a bad guy with self-esteem problems, after all.

The only purposes for rain or storms is for a sappy romance scene, to warn of danger nearby, or to herd your characters inside a conveniently-abandoned-yet-still-standing house for some hot sex.

It is preferable that detectives are either ex-cops or self-assured women. Even if cops are trained to work in a team rather than alone and women are too physically weak, even with training, to overcome a group of burly men on her own, it is best if you have one of the two as the detective in a story.

Any kind of blade weapon (ex.: swords, carving knives, daggers) is easy to sneak into a high-security place. All you need to do is to slip it under your pant leg, and - poof - it's completely hidden, no problem! Uncomfortable? Odd bumps in clothing? The actual practicality of it all? Bah! It's cool, and that's all you need to make it happen.

Yes, your character can be 6'8", 130 pounds, and be only 12. C'mon, it's fiction, so anything goes!

No one has black hair and brown eyes in Japan. Really.

In any school where uniforms are required, the girls, if they have reached puberty, wear skirts that barely cover their butt. White shirts are common for both sexes. No, a girl's bra does not show through the shirt unless it's wet, no matter how the light is shining or what color the bra is.

There is no such thing as zits in the fictional world. They simply don't exist. Neither do moles unless it's meant to ugly-fy an old woman or act as a beauty mark on a Russian supermodel.

[IrkenMegara]

When writing fan fiction, remember that almost any pairing at all can and will work! If the two (or three, or heck, even four!) characters have so much as been in the same room together or glanced at each other in passing, then surely they must be in love, or at least feeling lust!

[x_haphazard_x]

All men must underestimate and hold back against women, so that they can kick their butt easily.

Two characters that have absolutely nothing in common, (hobbies, personality, native language, race, alignments, or even forms) can be in love. Like an elf can love a canine-like chimera. Love is just that powerful.

[Squawk]

Bad guys will always miss when they attack/shoot the hero/ine. I mean, c'mon, bad guys don't practice.

[Atreas]

On weaponry:

Your main character can wield anything at anytime, regardless of the span of training involed. Also, they have the best weaponry. Regardless. If the bad guy has the Sword of Superultimateunbeatabledestinytimesinfinity, then your main character can wield the Sword of Superultimateunbeatabledestinytimesinfinity+1. Also, whether your character grows up in a small village or a large city, he is a master swordsman. There's always an old smithy able to make enchanted weapons and teach him.

If your character finds out that someone might be able to match him in combat, everything is null and void because he was trained by superhuman elves or gods who will not hesitate to use divine intervention/elemental magic to help your character alone. Your character can wield artifacts of ultrapowerful abilities. Really, it's not about training and skill. It's about finding the right anti-evil/dark lord of chaos/demon/bad guy/villain mastermind artifact, all of which can be discovered in the highest tower of the tallest castle on the highest mountain guarded by the biggest dragon whose killed the most powerful men of the time or in your local old hag magic shop.

If your character is in danger, world laws are subject to change. Personal gravity in fantasy is reversed in desperate times, just when your hero is about to take the final blow. If something goes wrong, a mountain blows up or a chasm opens and swallows a city.

[Cayan Magusson]

God this thread rocks...

Writers, remember, you are the chosen ones. No one is better than you, except, of course, those people who actually get published. But they don't count. Anyway...

Remember, your female characters are sex-machines, designed for nothing but sex and making your male characters feel better. All of your characters should be of the Mormon faith so they can believe this more. And in fantasy/sci-fi, the girls are always half-naked! Are they on a mythical adventure? Mountain-climbing? Fighting monsters in the final battle for Heaven and Earth? Pfft, not without their battle-thongs!

And remember this, aliens are always hideous or completely human save for the tails or strange eyes. And remember, no matter how many light years they live away from Earth, they always know how to speak English AND they are masters of kung-fu. Not only that, but they know EVERYTHING about Earthling culture, even though they've just heard of it.