[ Poll ] The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.		17.1%	[ 1661 ]
I add new things.		15.2%	[ 1478 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).		67.6%	[ 6554 ]

Total Votes: 9693

[avearia]

MiaIkumis#1Fan

Before: I'm so completely in love with this vampire! His eyes are so sparkly and they're like topazes OMG!!!

After: Forsooth, methynks my heart hast utterly fallen o'er o vampyre! Prithee, Hyst orbs ist much fylled with shynyng dew lykist on topazesist OMGist!!!

That is exactly how you transform any normal sentence into Ye Olde Englysh. Screw the research, just replace the words and letters how you think they should be!

((It looks like you had fun with that... biggrin

Anyways...))

People in midevil Europe always spoke the same as everyone else. Commoners and Nobles all spoke alike. There was no such thing as old slang, impropper speech, or different ways to talk to different people.

Oh, and everyone spoke the same language.

[avearia]

Stories that start with "Once upon a time" are epic. Use whenever possible. Even when describing something that happened last week.

Stories set in schools must always have a chapter devoted to the fabled "Taking care of a baby" home-ec assignment. This is a perfect time to get your main lovebirds together and realize what an awesome family they would make.

Also notice: in modern-day stories, the main character must have only two best friends; one the same gender and one opposite. If your MC is a boy, he must have a male friend and a female friend. Female friend is always the love interest. The male friend never falls in love with her, that's statistically impossible. The female must always fall in love with the main male character, or vice versa.

In school settings, characters never actually have to do homework or study, by the way.

[Battphink]

avearia

Stories set in schools must always have a chapter devoted to the fabled "Taking care of a baby" home-ec assignment. This is a perfect time to get your main lovebirds together and realize what an awesome family they would make.

And when the chapter comes for making babies, conditions must be dry with a .00003% chance of precipitation.

(( crying ))

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

All babies are always wanted or the daddy hates them because they killed mommy by being born. Mommies always love babies and postpartum depression does not exist.

The only time mommies give their babies up for adoption is because they magically have telepathy powers that let them know another family will provide for them much better.

[Fabulous Dahling]

http://tinyurl.com/ljt8ur

There is no such thing as a language barrier. If your MC meets some people from another country or planet, they will have no problem communicating. Also, the foreigners will speak the same way as your MC, right down to the slang terms. They won't talk formally, nor will they be confused when your MC says something is "off the heezy". And it would be absurd for said foreigners to accidentally say something opposite of or totally unrelated to what they meant to say.

[Ambrey]

In your writing, teenaged girls and young women can only have two friends each, even the popular girls and the loners. After all, you're writing for teenaged girls - your audience is clearly too stupid to read about realistic social interactions.

[avearia]

Pets make your MC look like a nice character. Everyone knows that animal lovers are always good people. Your MC should have a pack of dogs, several cats (stray or otherwise), a few tanks of fish or hermit crabs, a parrot, an iguana, an orphaned squirrel or two, a flock of geese, some turtles, gold finches, a pair of horses, a chicken, three mice, a girbil, two hamsters, a hawk, a dolphin, a fox, a tigeress, a jaguar, and a dragon, for good measure.


Certain animals reek of evilness and should never be owned by anyone but the bad guy. Tarantulas, Snakes, giant three headed dogs, and fat white lap-cats = EVIL.

[DarknessofHeavenandDreams]

When writing something that did not happen in history (Hitler won WWII, Henry VIII's son survived, etc), say it really happened and that the story is not a 'what-if.'

[M e i]

DarknessofHeavenandDreams

When writing something that did not happen in history (Hitler won WWII, Henry VIII's son survived, etc), say it really happened and that the story is not a 'what-if.'

In fact, it's always a good idea to say your writing is 'based on a true story' even if you are completely making everything up. More people will read it that way, and since your ideas are so fantabulous no one will notice you lied.

[Misuki Marishima]

There is only one type of noblewoman, and that is a Baroness. Said Baroness must be an evil gold digger too... no exceptions whatsover.

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

Misuki Marishima

There is only one type of noblewoman, and that is a Baroness. Said Baroness must be an evil gold digger too... no exceptions whatsover.

There are also princesses who are practically perfect in every way (copyright, what's that?) but do nothing of any importance save for getting kidnapped or running off to find adventure.

[avearia]

The Phoenix Rises Again

Misuki Marishima

There is only one type of noblewoman, and that is a Baroness. Said Baroness must be an evil gold digger too... no exceptions whatsover.

There are also princesses who are practically perfect in every way (copyright, what's that?) but do nothing of any importance save for getting kidnapped or running off to find adventure.

((I hear mario 64 music right now, even. Princesses in videogames only ever seem to get captured, don't they? crying ))

Princesses are always unhappy in their station of life. They're pampered and well educated--so what? They have everything they could ever want--so what? It's fundamental that they be unhappy with their jewels and their dresses and their giant castles and their banquets. There is no such thing as a princess who likes a cushy life.

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

Romance is all about what the woman wants.

[avearia]

Keys to locked dungeon cells will always be placed in the room, hanging on a hook visible to the hero. The villain is not smart enough to take it with him. And, don't you dare do something original, like, say, have the key hanging on said hook be the one to the prison door, not the cell cage.

((That would be insanely funny, though. I mentioned this to someone, and they said 'but the villain has to hang the key just out of reach, to taunt the hero in the cell!" and I said, "Well, okay, but what if the heroes go through the hour-long, multiple attempts at getting the key, to realize that it's not the one that opens the door?))

[Silent Superhero]

The Phoenix Rises Again

Romance is all about what the woman wants.

Women only need/want love. They don't care about hobbies, friends, or careers.