[ Poll ] The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.		17.2%	[ 1691 ]
I add new things.		15.3%	[ 1503 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).		67.5%	[ 6628 ]

Total Votes: 9822

[Firlodge_the_second]

Do U Mean Typ Lyke Dis All Da Time?????!!!!??? wink smile biggrin ;D

((Okay, I'm guilty of the magic-at-pubery-age thing. But it's not 'YAY! I IS TEENAGER = MAGIC POWERS' so much as it is 'Some of the things you might notice about your body are: mood swing, etc, and magic.' ))

[Jiraku]

TehBrownCow

A Nightmare of Eden

TehBrownCow

The main character should ALWAYS be comparing love to something stupid and slightly depressing, regardless of what your story is about. If your character isn't sitting in self-meditation, with his/her eyes watering up, thinking something along the lines of "love is like a sidewalk, it's cracked and people walk all over it emo " at some point in the story then you are doing something terribly wrong.
Also, always remember that typing in italics for ninety-seven percent of the story is a sure key to good writing. See this text? This is ******** badass. If you write your whole damn story like this people will have to read it, because face it, when you slant your text at a slight angle it automatically makes whatever you're saying WAY DEEPER and WAY MORE INTERESTING.
Oh I Almost Forgot, Remember To Capitalize Every Word. You Definitely Don't Look Like A Retard When You Write Like This, In Fact It Has Just The Opposite Effect. This Is Very Modern And Stylistic, And Makes Your Story Better. Try Combining This With The "Italic Method" Mentioned Above For Guaranteed Success.

So I Should Type Like Theeeeees?

See, Now You're Getting It. Combine That With Bolded Pink Size 18 Font And You're Good To Go.

Don't forget that other artistic style mentioned in a previous post! Isn't that correct, M e i?

Your main character cannot be nerdy about anything (or at least sound like a nerd when they talk about it.) There are no video games even in your edgy Sci-fi or Urban Fantasy, let alone video game fanatics. If there are video games, they're always evil futuristic brainwashing devices that directly brainwash people instead of just distracting them from their priorities. Your MC will be the one to go in and exact some Luddite justice on these evil contraptions!

That being said, Ludd was and is always right. Old-fashioned is always the best way to do things. Using technology is the prime way to plunge your world into Dystopia Hell (Phrase status: patent pending.) And besides, machines can always do all the work for humans without any work from their end (until they inevitably malfunction and/or turn evil.) Human work being required for some aspects of these futuristic machines, even if it's just to ensure that that the machine is working properly and efficiently? Robots that aren't programmed to feel emotions, let alone robots that don't even look humanoid or animal-like? Are you a heretic to fiction or something?

And now for something completely different!

Comedy cannot be funny unless it's full of cultural references, because those are inherently funny. Comedy cannot be about love (because love is OMGSOSRIUS,) politics, philosophy, or even everyday oddities that you wonder about every day. Our fixation will be on why love can never be comedic. Love is the most serious part of your novel (maybe only trailing behind the battle with the Big Bad,) and that is guaranteed. Something such as love and any aspect of it cannot be ridiculed or made fun of, even by young children who still ph33r the c00ti35.

However, on the converse end of it, rape can be used as comedy. It's funny to watch someone get deflowered, as long as that extension cord fires its lazer!

[avearia]

M e i

A Nightmare of Eden

TehBrownCow

The main character should ALWAYS be comparing love to something stupid and slightly depressing, regardless of what your story is about. If your character isn't sitting in self-meditation, with his/her eyes watering up, thinking something along the lines of "love is like a sidewalk, it's cracked and people walk all over it emo " at some point in the story then you are doing something terribly wrong.
Also, always remember that typing in italics for ninety-seven percent of the story is a sure key to good writing. See this text? This is ******** badass. If you write your whole damn story like this people will have to read it, because face it, when you slant your text at a slight angle it automatically makes whatever you're saying WAY DEEPER and WAY MORE INTERESTING.
Oh I Almost Forgot, Remember To Capitalize Every Word. You Definitely Don't Look Like A Retard When You Write Like This, In Fact It Has Just The Opposite Effect. This Is Very Modern And Stylistic, And Makes Your Story Better. Try Combining This With The "Italic Method" Mentioned Above For Guaranteed Success.

So I Should Type Like Theeeeees?

iT's AlsO toTtaLy ArTiStiC wHeN yOU tYpE liKE tHIs.

((Ow... My Eyes... Please tell me that you didn't see a story written like THAT.))

Anyway.
Characters in your story, especially if they are on some sort of "Quest", can never do anything ordinary. Characters can't spend time, say, reshoeing their horses because they've thrown a shoe, sharpen their swords because they've dulled from fighting, or mend clothing that got ripped in said fight. No, that would make them look too ordinary, and your characters have to be SUPER SPESHUL and non-ordinary.

Who cares if they're human beings who need to eat? They can't be caught cooking because that makes them look weird.

[Silent Superhero]

Aldorel

TigerStar47

A Nightmare of Eden

LeeEyeLa

Always begin books or stories with the main character a) waking up in the morning, or b) doing absolutely nothing of particular interest. If not, make sure your intro is pretty damn confusing and irrelevant.

And the story should always begin on the main character's fifteenth, sixteenth or eighteenth birthday, NO EXCEPTIONS!

Unless the story is for children, in which case the character must be turning twelve.

Bonus points if the character's birthday is the day on which they come into their magical powers. As in, "When a Child of Heaven turns 16, they will suddenly be able to throw bolts of magical fire from their fingers, and stuff."

Also, be sure to use vague words like 'and stuff' ALL the time. Your readers know exactly what you are talking about, so there is no need to ever describe it.

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

In all societies ever to exist or be made up, breaking gender roles has little to no consequence.

[avearia]

The Phoenix Rises Again

In all societies ever to exist or be made up, breaking gender roles has little to no consequence.

Nor does killing the evil dictator ever have foul concequences for the hero.

[Ludera]

Firlodge_the_second

((Okay, I'm guilty of the magic-at-pubery-age thing. But it's not 'YAY! I IS TEENAGER = MAGIC POWERS' so much as it is 'Some of the things you might notice about your body are: mood swing, etc, and magic.' ))

((Same here. In my case, though, you have magic since you were a baby but you can't do much with it until you hit puberty. It comes gradually--you don't suddenly wake up on your fourteenth birthday to find out you've undergone a complete physical metamorphosis overnight, after all, and I think it should be the same way for the magical bit too.))

Quote:

Nor does killing the evil dictator ever have foul concequences for the hero.

Or for the country! If you kill the head guy the flowers will bloom and the peasants will dance merrily in the streets. Any damage in foreign relations, to the economy or to the culture(s) of his region he may have caused will be forgotten or easily fixed--and the land will instantly revert back to its former utopian state. The person who replaces him is benevolent and capable; his former lackeys that failed to be killed by the heroes dissipate and die alone, or are converted; nobody actually misses the overlord; no other countries see this political upheaval as an opportune time to invade and crush their longtime enemy.

Quote:

Characters in your story, especially if they are on some sort of "Quest", can never do anything ordinary. Characters can't spend time, say, reshoeing their horses because they've thrown a shoe, sharpen their swords because they've dulled from fighting, or mend clothing that got ripped in said fight. No, that would make them look too ordinary, and your characters have to be SUPER SPESHUL and non-ordinary.

Showing your characters doing more ordinary things will not help your readers relate to them, and it does not build character. The only time any two characters should be shown being casual is when they are having casual sex (epic mindblowing first-time-ever casual sex, so it's not that casual at all). Never lose that sense of absolute urgency for your entire novel.

And lastly, to whoever was talking about video games and nerds:
Video games are OK when they are trendy and you are trying to appeal to a teenage audience, but make sure to only mention the most popular games (Halo, Guitar Hero, World of Warcraft, or Zelda if your characters are HUGE GEEKS) so as not to alienate any potential readers who haven't played very many video games (if you are specifically aiming for the geek crowd, namedrop artsy and obscure games at least once a page instead). Also, all video games are the same, so don't bother actually playing them through or anything before you write about characters playing them. Just make it up as you go and we won't be able to tell the difference.

The characters who do play video games are also hopeless losers (if it's not Guitar Hero they're playing because that one is for the cool kids too). They may or may not be slobs, but they are always very shy and socially awkward when not in their small gaming group, not generally well-liked in school, either really thin or really fat, and cannot carry on normal conversations that don't have to do with video games, D&D or LARPing (these always go together). They are also very nice people on the inside: there is no known instance of a nerd who was also a vicious b*****d. This also goes for science nerds. ((I really shouldn't talk though as I have a fairly stereotypical science nerd character who was most of that as a kid, minus the weight extremes, plus some deep-seated misanthropy.)) What I mean to say is, your character cannot like video games (or science) and also be an involved, fully functional member of society. It's just not possible.

[Firlodge_the_second]

((I figure that in 'normal' people, the levels are generally controlled by hormones until you reach a certain age and then when hormones go wack, the controls slip.

Blood type factors in too.

I'm with you on the gradual process thing.))

[Jiraku]

((Hm, gradually-growing powers. A character with hidden fire powers could keep their body warm as a toddler, form small embers as a child, and then the fireballs and infernos come at puberty. Da da da da, Da daaa! Puberty Power!))

Oh, and zits. Nerds are prime prey for Pizza-faceness while everyone else is flawless. However, this rule can be broken for the Perfectly Attractive MC.

((Lemme tell you that some athletes are probably more pizza-faced than some of my Anime fanatic friends, even though I dunno exactly how their personal lives work. Oh, and lotsa people in IB that are at least semi-attractive.))

[Firlodge_the_second]

Jiraku

((Hm, gradually-growing powers. A character with hidden fire powers could keep their body warm as a toddler, form small embers as a child, and then the fireballs and infernos come at puberty. Da da da da, Da daaa! Puberty Power!))

Oh, and zits. Nerds are prime prey for Pizza-faceness while everyone else is flawless. However, this rule can be broken for the Perfectly Attractive MC.

((Lemme tell you that some athletes are probably more pizza-faced than some of my Anime fanatic friends, even though I dunno exactly how their personal lives work. Oh, and lotsa people in IB that are at least semi-attractive.))

((Hmm..or it could just be another part of puberty.))

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

The gaining of magical powers should be a blatant metaphor for 'awakening sexuality'

[M e i]

Jiraku

Don't forget that other artistic style mentioned in a previous post! Isn't that correct, M e i?

((Yeah. Man, that stuff was a pain in the a** to type.))

avearia

M e i

iT's AlsO toTtaLy ArTiStiC wHeN yOU tYpE liKE tHIs.

((Ow... My Eyes... Please tell me that you didn't see a story written like THAT.))

Anyway.
Characters in your story, especially if they are on some sort of "Quest", can never do anything ordinary. Characters can't spend time, say, reshoeing their horses because they've thrown a shoe, sharpen their swords because they've dulled from fighting, or mend clothing that got ripped in said fight. No, that would make them look too ordinary, and your characters have to be SUPER SPESHUL and non-ordinary.

Who cares if they're human beings who need to eat? They can't be caught cooking because that makes them look weird.

((No, thank god, I've never seen a story typed out that way. I do see that style get used in a lot of flowery Gaia posts - you know the ones with a bazillion pictures and song lyrics that make it impossible to figure out what the person is actually trying to say? xP))

The opposite of that is that if you need filler you can switch to giving a complete rundown of every single thing the character does between one plot point and the next. This would make it acceptable to describe things such as cooking and sewing and other such chores - but you have to describe the actions in step by step detail and drag them out for as long as possible. Filler is meant to be boring. Think of it as novacaine for your readers' brains.

Bonus points if you have no real plot, and instead make the entire story consist of filler.

On the topic of gender roles in societies, remember that NO society anywhere ever has different gender roles than our own. Even when you are making up a society you should be basing it off North American culture or medieval Europe.

The only exception to this is if you are making up some Amazon warrior type society. They should always live in some sort of jungle, because we all know that Amazons come from the Amazon in South America, duh!! Despite this, they will all be white and blonde and have big breasts, because all tough chicks have a huge rack. And they are always man-hating lesbians. ((Although in Greek mythology they did hate men, and in most versions men were not allowed in their society, I think.)) In the end, however, your hero must show one of them the way of truth and tame her into an obedient housewife.

[Misuki Marishima]

^ As a matter of fact, the only kind of independent women can be these types that are big-chested with an equally big attitude. There's no such thing as a girl being successful on her own and still single.

[Ludera]

Firlodge_the_second

((I figure that in 'normal' people, the levels are generally controlled by hormones until you reach a certain age and then when hormones go wack, the controls slip.

Blood type factors in too.

I'm with you on the gradual process thing.))

((I'm thinking of linking mine to FSH production as a way to explain why older women can do more than men (FSH is a hormone that is low before puberty--for both men and women--and very high in menopausal women, so menopause might mark a second stage in magic-gland development), but I need to do more research. I'll also have to attach it in some way to the thyroid, though I'm not exactly sure how I can connect that to puberty yet either. There's only one kind of magic though (healing) so I don't need to worry about the biology of different abilities, thank god. I'm assuming that's what you're using the blood types for?))