[ Poll ] The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.		17.2%	[ 1664 ]
I add new things.		15.2%	[ 1478 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).		67.6%	[ 6559 ]

Total Votes: 9701

[e d e n - s o n g]

Everyone in your story should be white, except for one generic "dark-skinned" character. The only possible exception is for when you have a racial stereotype you'd like to have a character be the poster child of or be the complete opposite of. Because, you know, "dark-skinned people" are all just two-dimensional cardboard cutouts, right?

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

A Nightmare of Eden

Everyone in your story should be white, except for one generic "dark-skinned" character. The only possible exception is for when you have a racial stereotype you'd like to have a character be the poster child of or be the complete opposite of. Because, you know, "dark-skinned people" are all just two-dimensional cardboard cutouts, right?

Black is black. they can be polish-Dravidian or Creole or Aryan Indian. They're black.

[Battphink]

To introduce visual scenes, you must always be certain that the character is gazing/looking/staring/glowering. No one should ever ogle/appraise/something perverted or creative/just say what's there. The character's sky blue eyes must always be fixated on something.

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

Moons are always full.

Skies are always clear.

'Muggy' means that comehting is like a cup with a handle.

[Misuki Marishima]

And fog = death as well....

[avearia]

Want to set an ominous mood? remember, people before you have spent lots of time constructing these things. Take advantage of their hard work and make the setting "A Dark, Stormy night". People use this all the time, so, obviously, it MUST be good, and not one of those 'cliche's you've heard about.


EVERYONE's afraid of Spiders. And snakes. and insects. And darkness. ALWAYS.


The villain's clothing ought to always be dark. Blacks, deep reds, and purples are staples of villain-color-coding. Never use white, unless the villain is also a ghost or ice queen. Villanesses should always wear long, flowing, regal gowns that look like they could serve as a secondary weapon, with all the pointy, sharp edges on them.

Regular villains either wear insanely elegant clothing (when playing the part of the magnificent b*****d,) or ragged, tattered clothing (to show he is not quite in his right mind, such as an evil scientist or beast.) Villains always dress in pretentious clothing, for, they can't dress like us--that might mean that they're JUST like us! Scary!

[LeitaKree]

The higher a Roman numeral after somebody's name, the bigger a*****e they are (i.e. James Somebody III). Nevermind that those are used to show that someone was named after a great-grandparent/grandparent/parent and it's a tradition. It just tells you that the person is a d**k.

[avearia]

Characters from other planets must always be able to speak english. Even if they don't have the necissary equipment--for instance, lacking lips. It won't matter; English is the only language spoken on earth, it must be true for the rest of the world.

If you must, you can have the aliens talk in accents to show they're really aliens. Nothing says "Alien from Mars" like a southern accent. Also, Talk like yoda, one character must. Make you look smart, it will.

[Misuki Marishima]

And remember that the only people who wear armor are knights of either the good or evil side. Mercenaries always have leather plates... as do archers.

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

Misuki Marishima

And remember that the only people who wear armor are knights of either the good or evil side. Mercenaries always have leather plates... as do archers.

Any kind of armor can stop anything but finishing blows.

It can also be repaired in days and is easy to afford.

[avearia]

The Phoenix Rises Again

Misuki Marishima

And remember that the only people who wear armor are knights of either the good or evil side. Mercenaries always have leather plates... as do archers.

Any kind of armor can stop anything but finishing blows.

It can also be repaired in days and is easy to afford.

There is also only one type of Armour. There aren't any that are made in different styles, out of different material, or made better than another.

Your knight never wears a helm, unless it's to conceal his (or, if you're feeling creative, HER,) identity before meeting the heroine. After the first meeting, your knight will never wear the helm again. No enemy would aim for his head, neck, or face in battle... and even if they did, head wounds are often superficial anyway.

[Rid V]

I_Write_Ivre

Workplace Boredom

Misuki Marishima

(Actually I read how almost EVERY communist government is corrupt in some way, as are other forms of government.)

The only ones that 'fight dirty' are the villains or anti-heroes. You're never going to see your hero do anything that would unlevel the playing field in his/her favor, they're always chivalrous.

((That's true. Our government, especially, the congress, is corrupt because it is motivated mostly by money. It's also easily manipulated by money. All the corps and lobbies have to do is show them huge bags of money and Congress will shine their boots. And the reason why Poland has a tuberculosis vaccine and we don't is because in America it's a poor investment, as there isn't a whole lot of tuberculosis in America.))

((I think people fail to realize government and corruption are pretty much inseparable.))

((Too true, although I would say that it goes for all structures of centralized power. Governments are inherently corrupt, but they aren't any more or less so than megacorporations or megachurches, it seems to me.

(('S why I call myself a democrat (note the small D) as well as a Marxist.))

Ludera

Misuki Marishima

And you can even make the non-human racism resemble human racism, from derogatory names to lynching.

((There've been reports of groups of dolphins ganging up on and killing porpoises for absolutely no reason whatsoever, in the same sort of fashion that radical human hate groups gang up and lynch ethnic groups they don't like. No citation, I know, but I'm sure you can find something on that on Google. If a creature is sufficiently intelligent and social, there'll probably be behaviour resembling racism in some groups of them. So this is truth, not anti-guide material!))

((Well, if it's really for no known reason, that could just as easily be anthropomorphism. Might be racism, might be something that our very non-dolphin minds wouldn't even think of. Gotta be careful not to jump to conclusions like that.))

Ludera

((I am going to be frank with you guys and say I hate these four elements with the burning passion of a thousand suns.))

((While I agree they're overdone, I think these can still be written effectively if handled well. A twist always helps. Fr'instinance, I have it in mind some day to write about characters whose powers relate not to the four Greek elements, but to the four states of matter. How's this different, you ask? Well, the one who controls solids also controls ice rather than the when who has the power over liquids. Then at one point, it looks the one who has the power over liquids is controlling some trees--turns out, what she's actually manipulating is the sap.))

So it's come time to kill off that secondary character who has to die because ... um ... because True Art Is Angsty, that's right. And because they're the unneeded hypotenuse of a love triangle, or the one-shot character who'd otherwise shake up the status quo, or because they're in serious need of redemption or because you've put a lot of work into making the character pitiable and pathetic and this is the payof, or just because they're the Mentor. The point is, you've gotten to the climax of the story (or a high point) and it's well and truly time to see said secondary character good and offed.

I present to you now, for the very first time ever, the fiction's writers' all-purpose, any-genre, bestest ever method for killing off a secondary character:

The main character (or, at least a character who's more main than this one) is confronted by a villain. The villain prepares to shoot the main character with a gun/bow/crossbow/magic missile (adjust-for-genre-as-needed). The secondary character in question must be on the scene for this sequence, although the actual distance between them and the other characters is immaterial. The secondary character must throw themself in front of the main character, and take the bullet/bolt/arrow/blast/warhead in their place. (If you're a wimp you could have the secondary character survive after all—it's the intercepting the attack part which is mandatory.)

What's that? Overdone? Idiot, I just told you—I'm presenting this strategy for the first time ever, it couldn't possibly be overdone.

How's this? Stupider than a navigation system on a toaster oven? Frak you, it's awesome.

Eh? Ridiculous? Oh, **** off.

[ChubbyKitten]

When creating a character for a fanfic like Naruto for example, in which the entire world only speaks one language, it's ok to have your character speak Chinese on occasion and still be understood by one of the anime characters.

In any story taking place outside of America, all Americans must dress like cowboys, come from the south, and speak with a Deep Southern Accent.

[LeeEyeLa]

Always begin books or stories with the main character a) waking up in the morning, or b) doing absolutely nothing of particular interest. If not, make sure your intro is pretty damn confusing and irrelevant.

[e d e n - s o n g]

LeeEyeLa

Always begin books or stories with the main character a) waking up in the morning, or b) doing absolutely nothing of particular interest. If not, make sure your intro is pretty damn confusing and irrelevant.

And the story should always begin on the main character's fifteenth, sixteenth or eighteenth birthday, NO EXCEPTIONS!