The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2292 ]
I add new things.	14.9%	[ 1951 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.6%	[ 8852 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13095 ]

[Gold Milan]

the hero/heroine should look exactly like you wish that you looked. After all, it's your creation, and any flaws in the hero/heroine would reflect poorly on you, the author.

ensure that all supporting characters constantly comment on how attractive/beautiful/sexy the heroine is and how studly/handsome/strong the hero is.

as the author, you yourself must constantly remind the reader of how beautiful/strong/amazing your hero/heroine is!

the hero/heroine must always deny this. no one likes an immodest heroine.

secondary characters exist only to comment on how amazing the hero/heroine is. for god's sake don't give them any dimension! you may however kill them off predictably. if a character's sudden death is not predictable at least three chapters in advance it may upset your readers.

your hero/heroine must have a perfect physique despite a lifestyle that would ordinarily cause him/her to be fat, unhealthy, scrawny, ect.

if your character fights a lot, they must not have any unattractive scars or injuries. the hero/heroine is always beautiful!

use your hero/heroine as a voice to spout all of your religious/philosophical/social beliefs.

your hero/heroine has a tragic past. as a result of this they are either angsty, vengeful, or have amnesia.

no one likes a hero/heroine who is poor. they must always have unlimited bankrolls to spend on frivolities. but dear god, do not waste the reader's time explaining where it came from! the hero/heroine doesn't work, they spend all their time being Beautiful and Amazing!

your hero/heroine can survive mortal wounds and does frequently.

your hero/heroine's plan always works, but only after everyone else insists on trying everything else unsuccessfully first.

be consistent with your use of poetic descriptions. if edward's skin is like carved marble, it must always be described as such. if you have such a good description as this, you must repeat it. bonus points for using the same poetic description twice on the same page.




damn this is fun. oh, and punctuation is for squares. except for exclamation marks. use as many of those as you like, but remember; they get lonely if you only use one at a time!!! never use fewer than three exclamation marks together!!!!! and don't capitalize anything unless someone is SHOUTING!!!!1!

don't use apostrophes. I'm probably the only person that ever does, and I'm a square. you don't want to be a square do you? of course not. don't use apostrophes. to be even less of a square you could even substitute "ur" whenever you would use you're or your. It makes things easier for yourself as the writer, and no reader wants their author to be so burdened by the difference between being and possession!!!!

[avearia]

Gold Milan

don't use apostrophes. I'm probably the only person that ever does, and I'm a square. you don't want to be a square do you? of course not. don't use apostrophes. to be even less of a square you could even substitute "ur" whenever you would use you're or your. It makes things easier for yourself as the writer, and no reader wants their author to be so burdened by the difference between being and possession!!!!

... or be burdened by reading those agonizing two or three extra letters in "you're" verses "ur". heaven forbid.

--

Characters in love will never have petty arguments like normal couples, because they are so in love and so intimate with one another that they agree with their signifigant others' thoughts before they think them.

[Firlodge_the_second]

type like this

Or LiKe ThIs

OR LIKE THIS

OR LYKE DIS

Bonus points if people have to highlight your posts just to read what you said

[avearia]

The more rediculously huge a weapon is, the better it works. Goes double for Mechas/Fighting Robots and swords.

[eden-of-mine]

Only light-skinned people live in kingdoms or cities. Dark-skinned people live in jungles or forests and only organize as tribes. They worship everything they don't understand--which is everything. Light-skinned worship of imaginary beings, however, is totally different. They should be portrayed as the savages they are, no matter how bloodthirsty the ways of kingdoms are.

[avearia]

A Nightmare of Eden

Only light-skinned people live in kingdoms or cities. Dark-skinned people live in jungles or forests and only organize as tribes. They worship everything they don't understand--which is everything. Light-skinned worship of imaginary beings, however, is totally different. They should be portrayed as the savages they are, no matter how bloodthirsty the ways of kingdoms are.

Despite not knowing anything, once the light-skinned traveller from the kingdom/city stumbles across them in their adventures, the dark-skinned people will immediately know their entire language and have no problem communicating with them.

[eden-of-mine]

avearia

A Nightmare of Eden

Only light-skinned people live in kingdoms or cities. Dark-skinned people live in jungles or forests and only organize as tribes. They worship everything they don't understand--which is everything. Light-skinned worship of imaginary beings, however, is totally different. They should be portrayed as the savages they are, no matter how bloodthirsty the ways of kingdoms are.

Despite not knowing anything, once the light-skinned traveller from the kingdom/city stumbles across them in their adventures, the dark-skinned people will immediately know their entire language and have no problem communicating with them.

And then eat them.

[avearia]

A Nightmare of Eden

avearia

A Nightmare of Eden

Only light-skinned people live in kingdoms or cities. Dark-skinned people live in jungles or forests and only organize as tribes. They worship everything they don't understand--which is everything. Light-skinned worship of imaginary beings, however, is totally different. They should be portrayed as the savages they are, no matter how bloodthirsty the ways of kingdoms are.

Despite not knowing anything, once the light-skinned traveller from the kingdom/city stumbles across them in their adventures, the dark-skinned people will immediately know their entire language and have no problem communicating with them.

And then eat them.

Or try to, at least, and be in the middle of the cooking ritual when the whole 'tribe' suddenly catches the sniffles from the foreign travellers and die horrible deaths.

[avearia]

Writing crime novels is easy. Seen an episode or two of CSI? Then you're good to go! Make sure that at the end of the mystery, after your hero(ine) has figured out the case, that the criminal has a dramatic monologue confessing [even if there's no solid proof and they're not REALLY caught] and explain their motives, after which they'll bow down to the hero(ine)'s amazing detective skills before being taken to jail.

[eden-of-mine]

avearia

Writing crime novels is easy. Seen an episode or two of CSI? Then you're good to go! Make sure that at the end of the mystery, after your hero(ine) has figured out the case, that the criminal has a dramatic monologue confessing [even if there's no solid proof and they're not REALLY caught] and explain their motives, after which they'll bow down to the hero(ine)'s amazing detective skills before being taken to jail.

Don't have your character do any real detective work, either. All they really have to do is solve puzzles and get noticed by the criminal, get trapped, escape and "solve" the case.

[avearia]

A Nightmare of Eden

avearia

Writing crime novels is easy. Seen an episode or two of CSI? Then you're good to go! Make sure that at the end of the mystery, after your hero(ine) has figured out the case, that the criminal has a dramatic monologue confessing [even if there's no solid proof and they're not REALLY caught] and explain their motives, after which they'll bow down to the hero(ine)'s amazing detective skills before being taken to jail.

Don't have your character do any real detective work, either. All they really have to do is solve puzzles and get noticed by the criminal, get trapped, escape and "solve" the case.

In fact, just make them constantly appear at the right place at the right time, from the moments before the victim drops dead/the crown jewls are stolen, to the point where they overhear the criminal explaining to a nearby wall how they carried out the crime, in great detail.

[eden-of-mine]

And constantly describe them as brilliant, despite them not displaying any deductive power at all. No one will notice that you're just too stupid to write a remotely intelligent character.

[Half Baked SF]

"You're" and "your" are the same word. Feel free to use the shorter one at all times.

Same with too/to/two and they're/there/their.

[avearia]

A Nightmare of Eden

And constantly describe them as brilliant, despite them not displaying any deductive power at all. No one will notice that you're just too stupid to write a remotely intelligent character.

But that's okay, because the criminal's not too smart either.

There's no such thing as Motive, by the way. The criminal just felt like being bad that day and stole 100 gold bars from Fort Knox. It happens all the time.

[Misuki Marishima]

Remember that the only knights that aren't chivalrous are the ones that are either on the evil side or thinking about joining the evil side. They're not the least bit selfish and they're all in shining white armor.